On my actual birthday:
I took some NyQuil and crashed at 4:30 p.m.
Again.
I convinced Sam to take me to The Melting Pot.
Again. I spent a buttload of money on books.
Again.
I joked that this year, I became one year younger.
Again.
I slept in for five days straight, claiming, "It's my birthday week."
Again.
I watched Kanye's blunder, and complained about "kids these days."
Again.Sam's also predictable, though. He forgot to give me my present on Friday. Then he forgot again on Saturday. Then he forgot again on Sunday. Now it's Monday... Still don't know what I got, but I refuse to remind him. I wonder if he'll read this post?
Speaking of overused cliches...
Here is the list of overused cliches provided by you lovely blog readers. It's time to behead them and pull their spines out.
Rest in Peace cliches:
1. red letter day
2. here today & gone tomorrow
3. it's all fun & games until someone looses an eye.
4. air quotes
5. Whatnot
6. like a thief in the night.
7. no brains, no headaches.
8. stick out like a sore thumb
9. easy as pie/piece of cake
10. when life throws you lemons...make lemonade
11. If I had a nickle for every time I wanted a raisin, I'd be rich!
12. Avoid like the plague.
13. It is just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man.
14. Sweating like a pig. (Pigs don't sweat!)
15. And my personal favorite, because I really don't think I've ever heard it before: "There's more than one way to kill a cat than choking it with butter." Cool. Thanks Becky.
16. I would like to add: "Put some elbow grease into it."
What the heck is "elbow grease"? If I could pick the least greasiest spot on my body, it would be my elbow. Sam says he loves elbow grease. It's great on panini's.
Thanks for entering the contest everyone. And to you de-lurkers, I think I love your presents most of all. Partly because Sam hasn't given me anything yet... (Did you know I have a follower, a girl in Australia, named "Brodie"? So cool.)
My mom even de-lurked. Which means she does read my blog.
Okay, okay. I actually had to go over to her house, pull up my blog on her laptop, and chase her through the kitchen until I finally cornered her and shoved the laptop in front of her.
But hey, she must've liked it. She left a comment.
Okay, okay. I typed the comment for her. Are there any therapists out there?
The winner will be picked on Wednesday by Smokey the Hairless Cat, as usual. (See? Predictable.)
One last birthday thingee:
My friend "Lucy" (one half of Lucy and Ethel) texted me on my birthday.
Text #1:
"Can Ethel and I take you to lunch or dinner for your bray if so when"
2 seconds later:
Text #2: "I mean beau"
Hey. We're old. We're not supposed to be able to text.
Seriously last birthday thingee:
I went to tip at my birthday breakfast, and there was a totally awesome message on the dollar bill: "For a good time, call ***-****. Ask for Dominic."
I got all excited, thinking my birthday couldn't get any better, until I read the rest:"Males only. :)"
Fine, Dominic. Whatev's. Coulda been great.
If you would like Dominic's number, let me know.
So, what's your vote? Do you think Sam will get the subtle hints from this post and give me my frakkin' present? He's even walking behind me right now, getting the kids ready for school. All he has to do is look at what I'm typing!
Nope. Walked right on by.
i still think you should call dominic...you just never know.
ReplyDeleteright?
sam--give your wife a present! or i will send olivia over to kick you butt?
threatening enough for ya??
lol
Dorien--sheesh, that was very threatening.
ReplyDeleteIn defense of me, the two main gifts were the Melting Pot dinner and the massage. These are just little silly follow up gifts that are not impressive. Simple practical gifts. I was going to get you that 37-day cruise around the world gift, but that will have to wait until I hear back from the Nigerian Prince...I had to send him a bit more info about me, now I am just waiting for the money he promised to send.
I am proud of your mom for reading your blog and delurking. Its strange because she is one of my most loyal readers and she comments on my blog at least twice a week. Interesting.
Maybe he counts the massage as your present?
ReplyDeleteWhat's up with the NyQuil? Are you feeling okay?
I hope you aren't getting sick, Brodi!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you had a great birthday, with Sam forgetting to give you his "silly follow up" gifts. I will say, way to go Sam on the massage! What a great birthday gift.
I agree with Dorien, maybe Dominic is just playing hard to get? (uh-oh, is cliche time over??)
Dorien- Thanks for threatening. Because I think Sam's still missing the point.
ReplyDeleteSam- The massage barely counts, since I made the appointment and all. But it's okay. Really, you don't have to get me anything at all. I'm easy, you know... p.s. My mom always liked you best.
Emily- just a little fall cold. I think I'm over it now. Over the cold, not the NyQuil.
Una- is playing hard to get a cliche? I thought you just made that up.
And for the record, everyone, I got the massage myself! Are we really all counting that as Sam's birthday present to me? I know I can be hard on the man, but really...
I'm glad you had a good birthday, other than Sam being a putz and not getting you anything. Sheesh, some people's husbands. ;)
ReplyDeleteI like predictable, but you're anything but. I can't never predict how much I'll laugh during your blog posts.
Jenni- I know. Some days, it's all "Waahh, hahhh, hahhh, hardy har har."
ReplyDeleteOther days, it's all "Blech."
Have you ever seen Serendipity? I know people were writing on bills long before that but I I always think of that now when I see it. You gotta get that bill back out in circulation, stat. :0)
ReplyDeleteAnd yes I'm pretty sure we're all counting the massage as the present. I mean he did tell you to wait. So technically the scheduling you did shouldn't have had to happen. The doorknobs I was on your side, this, well I'm on his side. :)
Debbie- I remember that scene too!
ReplyDeleteAnd as for taking Sam's side, would it make a difference if I told you he didn't call to make the birthday appointment until AFTER I told him I was going the day before my birthday? He may not have remembered to make the call at all!
Thanks for including the full list of cliches to be slaughtered and making all of us commenters feel cool!
ReplyDeleteAh - Sam, resolve this, when did you schedule/contact the spa for the massage? If it was after Brodi called/went there...then you are toast sir!
ReplyDeleteThat's a GREAT question Brodi, is "playing hard to get" a cliche or just an overused ruse? Hmmm...must check wikipedia!
Nikki- My commenters are really the only "cool" things about this blog. I have to pay homage to them!
ReplyDeleteOh, found a page of common cliches,
ReplyDeletehttp://suspense.net/whitefish/cliche.htm
it is not on there, but it does go with the definition (I think) of cliche:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliche
Una- I think you should take the credit for coining the phrase "hard to get" if no one's claimed it on Wikipedia.
ReplyDeleteThe spa people said he just called after I was already there. The mystery builds...
I called before Brodi let me know she was getting a massage. For some unexplained reason, Brodi believes the receptionist over her loving husband of 11+ years. No matter, I still love her and appreciate her even when she doesn't believe me.
ReplyDeleteAs a sidenote, I also made waffles for her breakfast and took out the kids on her birthday night so that she could recover from her sickness that day.
*Waffles for breakfast
*Massage
*Melting Pot
*Kids out of her hair for a night
*3 meaningless though practical gifts
I need to do better next year. I love you honey. Lots!
for the record:
ReplyDeleteI WASN'T COMPLAINING! I was only pointing out the fact that Sam said he had three (meaningless) presents for me, and he kept forgetting to give them to me. That's all I was saying. I never said the dinner wasn't fab. I did say he called after I made the appointment, but I do believe it was an honest mistake on his part. (He honestly forgot he called after I was already there).
Sam: Stop reading the comments! Don't you have work to do? Me and my friends were in the middle of a conversation, and I hate it when you interrupt with the "truth".
Brodi I'm back on your side sista! Was he planning on doing the massage as a gift but just forgot to call or was that what gave him the idea?
ReplyDeleteAnd I vote since you were sick on your birthday perhaps you should have another birthday this week or the next. I really try hard to dedicate a whole week to my birthday. Hubby's not on board with that yet. Haha
Debbie- Good idea.
ReplyDeleteDue to Illness, Brodi's Birthday has been postponed to the entire week of September 25th.
I like the sound of that.
All in favor of Brodi's birthday week say, "I."
ReplyDeleteI!
The I's have it!
I made it! I made it into your blog. Lu
ReplyDeleteAre you serious about letting me borrow your copy?? If so, you could just have Sam take it with him to work tomorrow and he can just give it straight to my dad. I promise I read fast. :)
ReplyDeleteJenni- I! I!
ReplyDeleteAlissa- Hope you don't mind. It was too funny to pass up.
Hannah- I'll send it with Sam tomorrow. Enjoy! No one should have to wait to read about Katniss Everdeen.
Hey, Happy Birthday :) I bought 4 Tix to the Midnight New Moon premier in the Edward Themed theater out at the District (South Jordan). My sister is coming but if you want one or even two of the tix let me know - if you don't mind mixing company with me and mine :)
ReplyDeleteI'm a chronic user of "whatnot" it's a fact... I do it all the time, internet, in real life and whatnot. Ahaha, I got a mention, I feel very special! Damn, Dominic... way to spoil a girls birthday, dude.
ReplyDeleteLOLing at all the comments... your blog is on my 'to visit daily' list, on a post-it note that I stick to the wall of my brain. You and your minions (or followers) make me laugh. In a very good way!
Cam- I wish I could, but I'll be in Provo that night. Boo.
ReplyDeleteHow weird is it gonna be when we actually meet in person? Will we both just sit there, waiting for the other one to crack us up? I can't wait.
Brodie- But do you say "Whatnot" with an Aussie accent? Because that would make it sorta cool. lol- "my minions"
I think responding to every comment is a great retention strategy, because then readers have to come back to see your replies. Plus it doubles the number of comments so people think you're extra popular!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I might have to steal this tactic.
Nikki- I love the atmosphere of my comments. I feel like we're all having a discussion, or a conversation. I'm lucky!
ReplyDeleteAs for people thinking I'm "extra popular", I'm pretty sure my blog readers know I'll never be popular.
Brodi - I thought this was the place for the unpopular, I thought that's why you let me join?!?! It's the Breakfast Club only without the Princess and the Jock, right? We are just the geeks, the strange, and I guess the criminal. Okay, maybe we don't have an actual criminal, but our humor could be crimes against humanity...or at least good taste...(*remembering puss discussion*) (ahahahaha)
ReplyDeleteUna- you are exactly right. I was almost arrested in Paris once. Does that count for being "criminal"? If not, I have dibbs on being the "dweeb". Or the "ho". Wait, am I thinking of the right movie?
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! I'll get it back to you as soon as possible! :)
ReplyDelete