What NOT to Say as an Introductory Tweet, Apparently

So, after the book deal was announced, my critique partner Bree Despain sent out a Tweet, telling her followers to follow me. She must be very powerful, because immediately I got like a hundred new followers. Bree said something like, "You'll love her. She's hilarious."

That made me nervous. I had all these new followers, and now Bree was promising them I'd be hilarious. I never feel unfunnier (less funny?) than when someone says stuff like that.  I felt like the new people were sitting around, watching Twitter, going, "Okay, Brodi, do something funny."

*Side note: I've typed "funny" so many times now, that it's starting to not look like a real word, but more an amalgam of "fluffy bunny".

So, just to give people a taste of what it will really be like to follow me, I sent this tweet:

Wow. Lot's of new followers. Hi! Here's an introductory tweet: I have a strange zit on my bellybutton. Who knew that was even possible?

I think I instantly lost 50 of the new followers, (one even tweeted about how bellybuttons make her uncomfortable, and I'm thinking, "Why? At least 99% of people have them. The uncomfortable part should be that there's a zit on the bellybutton, not the button itself.") and Bree sent a follow-up tweet:  

I send you new followers and you start tweeting about bellybutton zits???

*added: she also added "That's why I love you."

The truth is, I didn't want anyone's expectations to be too high. I thought my tweet was a typical example of what I have in the brains, and a good chance to say, "If you like the tweet, there's more where that came from. If not, get out now."

Because if there's anything I truly hate, it's failing to meet expectations. So let's lower that bar, people. You know the saying, "Aim for the stars. You're bound to hit the moon." Let's amend that to "Aim for the roof of my house. Perhaps even the tops of the trees. Hope we don't get caught in the branches. Then we can be pleasantly surprised if we clear the trees."

Who's with me? May I please have a holler? (I can't speak street, let alone type it.)

I had a great time at Matt Kirby's book launch last night. I'll give a full report of the event on Monday. (But I'd appreciate it if you'd only expect half a report, and then you can be pleasantly surprised when I post the full one.)

What are y'all up to this weekend? I've got soccer games up to my ears, and then my mom's making soup. Mmmmmm.....

In Which I Answer the Burning Questions about My Book Deal

Hey y'all. 

Okay, so I have no idea how to follow up a post like Monday's, except to say thank you again to all of you for being BFOB's. (Bestest Friends of the Blog). 

Maybe it would be best to answer some of the more frequent questions I've been getting about this whole publication thingee. 

When will the first book come out?

It's slated for Winter 2012, which means anytime from January to March 2012. 

Isn't that, like, a frakkin' long time?

I know 15 months seems really long, but it's actually pretty fast for the publishing world. My editor has even hinted that they are extending a couple of my deadlines so I can make it in time.

Who's your editor? 

Her name's Kristin Daly, and she's with Balzer and Bray. She's the one who read the manuscript, and got the ball rolling. We already get along great. We both love Diet Coke. We both love soup. We could talk or not talk all day long.

Do you get to design your cover?

Of course. Right now, Sam's on the cover, wearing biker shorts, no shirt, and a cape. 

Just kidding. Fortunately for everyone, I will not be designing the cover. Authors rarely have any say about the cover. 

Is there going to be more than one book?

Yes. It's a trilogy.

What's up with everything being a trilogy these days? 

I don't know. One more would make it a saga, and I don't want a saga. One less would be a companion, and I don't want a companion.*

*The above statement doesn't make sense. Don't waste time on it.

How come Jeni got to read the entire first chapter?
 

Because Jeni was in my workshop group at WIFYR last summer. Everyone there was forced to read the first 20 pages. 

Are you going to get a "real" website now?

What? This isn't a real website? Ha ha. Yes, I have a ".com" website. You can check it out now. Just go to your browser and type in www.brodiashton.com.

*snicker snicker*

Do you really think you're being funny?

A little.

Because I think you wouldn't know funny if it bit you in the bum.

Hey, question-maker. That's not even a question.

Fine. You wouldn't know funny if it broke your arm?

You know what, question-maker? Just putting a "?" at the end of a sentence doesn't make it a question.

Are you sure about that.

Okay, now you're just leaving off the question mark. 

Prove it?

Argh. Can we be please just get back on track?

Okay. Where are you going to be tomorrow night at 6:00?

Thank you! Excellent question. I'm going to be at The King's English for Matt Kirby's book launch of THE CLOCKWORK THREE. Everyone is invited! Will I see you there, question-maker?

...

Question-maker?

I'll either be there, or I'll be toilet-papering your house while you're away?

Suck it, question-maker.  

Feel free to add to the questions in the comments. And anyone going to The King's English tomorrow night? Let me know so we can say 'hi'!

Big News!! My Book is going to be an Actual Book!

I walked outside my house this morning, just to make sure, and yep. I was right. Hell had not frozen over.

I glanced over at my neighbors house, and nope, cats and dogs weren't living together.

As a final courtesy, I turned around in front of a full length mirror. And nope. Monkeys were not flying out of my bum.

Apparently I can get a book published before all of these things happen. Which brings me to my news...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you get that? If you read between the lines, it says:

HARPER COLLINS (Balzer & Bray imprint)  BOUGHT MY BOOK!!!!!!!!!!

Not only that, they bought THREE BOOKS!!!!!

As in, A TRILOGY!!!!!!!

Here's the announcement in Publishers Weekly:

To the Underworld and Back Again
Agent Michael Bourret at Dystel & Goderich closed a three-book deal with Kristin Daly at Balzer + Bray, selling North American rights in a pre-empt for a YA paranormal romance by debut author Brodi Ashton. The first book in the deal, The Ever'neath, is partially based on the Greek myth of Persephone: a 17-year-old who's been banished to the underworld escapes to her former earthly existence with her family and boyfriend. The catch is that she only has six months in the real world before being sent back to Hades, this time forever. Book one is tentatively scheduled for winter 2012.

Here's how it all went down (which makes it sound like something out of The Godfather, but it's totally not):

1. Michael invited representatives from the heads of the main publishing families to read the manuscript. They got it on a Monday.

2. After a day and a half, I sent a crazy-a** email to Michael, titled "I'm a Patient Person" and then explaining all the many ways I'm not a patient person, and asking why we hadn't heard anything.

I felt like Jane Austen's Emma, constantly checking her mailbox and exclaiming, "Why do they not write?!!"

3. Michael sent me an email, saying, "It hasn't even been 48 hours yet. Stop sending me missives*."

*Disclaimer: I don't know if he actually used the word "missives". It just seemed appropriate.

4. Shortly after Michael sent that email, he called me and took it all back. Apparently 48 hours is exactly long enough for Balzer & Bray to send us an offer we couldn't refuse.

So I told Michael, "Leave the gun, take the cannoli" because every good offer comes with a large container of cannoli.  

I kissed Michael's ring, and then he was off to accept the deal. 

I still can't believe it all finally happened, and I recognize there are so many little outside factors that helped me get to this point. So many people to thank, but for now,  I want to thank all of you blog readers. Yes, you. And you. I love everyone!!!

Kid C and the Case of the Missing Homework

Happy Friday y'all. 

Kid C came home from school yesterday freaking out. Apparently, when the time came for him to hand in his weekly homework assignment, he couldn't find it.

Needless to say, he was distressed.

This is probably because we've always told him: "If you don't turn in your homework, you don't get 10 points, and if you don't get 10 points, you don't get A's. No A's means no college, and then all you can look forward to is a life in the gutter with a needle as your only friend."

We had that printed on a bumper sticker.

Just to make sure the message sinks in, I always tell him, "I knew a girl once who didn't turn in her second-grade homework. Here she is today:"

Don't worry. We end the stories with, "Sleep tight, Kid C."

So, yeah, Kid C was not happy about his disappearing homework. He immediately blamed Sam for forgetting to put it in his backpack.

Sam took Kid C's homework folder out of his backpack and opened it, and that's when we all saw what the problem was:

 Look! Nothing but an empty folder.

Sam hid the the homework in plain view. Not only that, he put the homework in the folder marked "Homework". 

I told Kid C he needed to stop blaming Sam, and take responsibility. He pondered that for a moment, and then decided on the best course of action:

Kid C: "We'll turn it in tomorrow."

me: "There's no school tomorrow, that's why the homework was due today."

Kid C: "We'll break in to the school, and leave it in Mrs. Rohaj's room."

me: "No, we're not breaking in-"

Kid C: "We'll find out where Mrs. Rohaj lives!! And then we'll break into her house."

me: "I think that might be compounding the problem, what with a B&E conviction."

But Kid C was worried about turning into the skeleton girl, so I amended the story. Skeleton Girl only became Skeleton Girl when she missed TWO homework assignments.

What are y'all doing this weekend?

How Many Fumbles does it take to Break an iPhone? And Thank Goodness for Sisters

It's time for... Thing #1 and Thing #1!

Thing #1 

I've dropped my iPhone close to a zillion times, and nothing ever phased it. I thought it was indestructible, until yesterday.

I dropped it in the parking lot of my favorite restaurant (The Dodo) and this is what happened:

It still works, but every time I use the touch screen, it makes this crunching sound. The shattered pieces are held precariously together by the screen cover. 

So, right after I took that picture (with our camera that has the broken focus) I immediately opened our garage door (that doesn't open anymore) and started Sam's car (that won't start) and drove myself to the iPhone store to buy a new one (that I can't afford right now). 

Do you ever feel like everything breaks at the same time? Guess I'll go turn on our sprinklers (that flood our basement). 

If it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm totally not. I love my crunchy phone, and as long as I have scotch tape to hold the pieces together, we're good. Plus, it's comforting to shake an electronic gadget and hear a rattling sound. I can always kid myself and pretend it's the sound of loose change...

Thing #1

Ahh, the beauty of the sisterly relationship.

The other day, I was sort of freaking out about something. The details aren't important, but it was one of those instances where I was lamenting, "What must those people be thinking of me? What are they saying about me?"

My sister was there, and she had some great words of wisdom.

Erin: "I know those people, and if you knew how little they cared about you, and anything you do, you wouldn't be worrying right now. Talking about you would be like talking about the weather. Boring."

Sometimes it's good to have someone around that will give you a head slap of perspective every once in a while.

How's all y'all's week going?

My Favorite Book, the Herriman Fire, and the Best Birthday Ever

Happy Monday.

Here's today's question from FOB (Friend of the Blog) Lulabell:

Q: What is the most meaningful book you have ever read? How did it affect your life? 

Well, I'm going to discount religious books, because it's my blog and I can do what I want. And I can't pick just one book, because that would be crazy. Among my favorites:

Dracula (taught me that classic books can actually be good)

The Sky is Everywhere (taught me that maybe I do like poetry)

The Absolutely True Story of a Part-Time Indian (Because remember when Sherman Alexie remembered my name?)

But the one that really started my love affair with reading and writing is: Fried Green Tomatoes. 

I've read it probably a million times, and I even adopted it's time-shifting storytelling into my book. When I was younger, I tried to change my name to "Towanda".

On to the blog. 

Here's what's going on:

1. The Herriman fire continues to burn. 

I'm across the valley, but I have a lot of friends and family in the evacuation area, and I'm sending virtual hugs their way. (Side note: virtual hugs are not as soft as real hugs, what with the electrical shock and all).

My bff Sheree and her kids are bunking at her family's home, and the cat that I gave her is safe. Repeat, the cat I gave her is safe. Nothing destroys that cat. 

How bout y'all? Everyone out there okay?

2. Thank you for all the birthday wishes. 

The big day came in like a lion and went out like a lamb. I have to admit it was my best birthday ever, even beating out my 8th birthday where I got to go to Brigham Young's house and make taffy and celebrate my polygamous heritage. I mean, my pioneer heritage. 

-Sam took me to Benihana, where our Chef was named "Kurt" and he dropped an egg.

-Friends brought me treats. Chocolate bars, home-made pumpkin and chocolate chip muffins, sugar cookies with yellow frosting, caramels, Munchoes potato chips (available only in the finest gas stations) and Diet Coke. 

-My mother-in-law made Fried Green Tomatoes for Sunday dinner. 

-My sister-in-law gave me an entire homemade cheesecake. 

That takes care of breakfast, lunch and dinner.

So, really, I guess for my birthday I received... FIVE EXTRA POUNDS! Which is what I've always wanted.

How was everyone else's birthday weekend?

If You're Going to Write, You're Going to have to Learn how to Wait. Here's How I Do It:

Hey y'all. 

I reached a milestone today.

1500 solitaire games won on my iPhone.

Amazing, right? I know what you're thinking: "Is there an award for such a feat?" And then you're probably thinking "Is it "feat"? or "feet"?" At least, that's what I would be thinking.

It's not like it was easy, although I do have a fairly high win percentage at around 16.0%.  (Don't anyone do the math. Okay, fine! It was 9,425 total games played.)

In my head, little tiny announcers are remarking on my moves, and questioning whether the big risks I take will be worth it. 

ex: "That's a lot of empty spaces. Ashton better hope she's got some Kings in that deck, or there could be trouble." and then the other guy says, "What a time to take chances!" because there's a million imaginary bucks on the line. 

(Solitaire play-by-play: The most coveted position in sports)

People have asked me before how I have time to blog thee days a week and write a book. Imagine what they'd think if they knew I've almost played 10,000 solitaire games as well. Which, I guess, now they do know.

So, here's the answer. (And if you're interested in any sort of writing career, this is a good thing to know):

Waiting becomes a way of life, and you have to find a way to cope.

Obviously, the best way to spend that waiting time is by writing your next project. I've done that before. But there are certain times on the path to publication where you have to wait, and your brain can't function enough to write. 

This week has been a series of spurts and stops, and I have a severe case of whiplash. And it feels delicious. And now I'm waiting again.

I can't wait to tell y'all about it. (Okay, I guess I just did.) In the meantime, raise a glass: To friends old and new, who love Diet Coke as much as I do. 

I love all of my blog readers, but especially you. And you. 

So, what do y'all do to pass the time? Can anyone share some internet word games, or something? I'm lookng to diversify. 

And what's everyone doing this weekend?