I GAVE HIM MY HEART AND HE GAVE ME A PEN... or: HOW CAN I DUMP THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

Since Ben Ballou brought it up, I will take up the “real-life being dumped” gauntlet. And beat him over the head with it.

Translation: I will rip open my insides, and, organ by organ, lay them out on the table for all of my faithful readers.

Ummm... Translation of the translation: I present to you in Technicolor: the humiliating dumpings of Brodi Ashton. (No- not THAT kind. The rip your heart out, gut wrenching, teenage angst kind).

In the interest of time and space, I will pick the top four. (I’ve been dumped so many times, this inter-web thingee is not big enough for every one of them).

1. TITLED: I “totally and completely F**K*D up someone’s life” dump.

To protect the innocent, I have changed Dave’s name to Bob. (Just kidding Dave.)

Setting: 9th grade. I thought Bob and I were “just friends.” Like, all year long.

Then Ben Ballou and Jason Stock (of the dismembered Bambi fame) decided to thwart Bob’s graduation plans, and ask me to graduation. (Interjection here: is it really “graduation?” 9th grade to high school?)

So, I went with Jason Stock, and we danced on his back patio to the gentle musical offerings of Kenny G.

Then, Bob called me. And the phone call was infamous.

THE DUMP: “BRODI ASHTON! YOU TOTALLY EFF’D UP MY LIFE!!! I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU EFF’D EVERYTHING UP!! EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH GETS EFF’D UP!” (But he didn’t say “eff’d”. He said the real thing.)

Well, I was totally shocked. I had made someone use the F-word, in reference to me. Only adults, in rated “R” movies said that word. Not 15 year old boys, right?

All my mom said to console me was: “That’s my girl.”

2. TITLED: The “I’ll show him- I’ll crash my car in front of his high school while I’m spying on him. Then he’ll be sorry” Dump.

Setting: Junior year, high school.

So, I dated this hot guy (we’ll call him Bobby) from another school. Then one night, he says, “This isn’t working. And by the way, I’m seeing someone else.”

So, my BFF Sheree and I decide the best way to win Bobby back is to spy on him outside his high school. (Fool proof, right?)

Directly in front of his high school (which will remain nameless), as every Titan in the school is exiting, as I’m straining my neck to spy on said ex-boyfriend, I crash head-on into a car in the turn lane. Totally totaled my Bronco II. Glass shattered everywhere.

Had no answer to the recurring question: “You go to Skyline. What were you doing in front of Olympus?”

ADDING INSULT TO INJURY: We always referred to the other woman as his “transitional fling”. He’s still with her today. Yeah, that one smarts.

3. TITLED: The “Wow, boys really DO cheat when they spend Spring Break in Meh-Hee-Coh. It’s not just a lie spread by the evil suits at MTV.”

Ah, Brian. I mean Bob.

Setting: College. Las Vegas Boulevard. New Year's Eve. Midnight.

We met on the Vegas Strip, New Year's Eve. At midnight. I know what you’re thinking: Considering the meeting place, how could it NOT work out?

It should have remained a fling.

We were in love, for like, two whole months. Then he goes to Mexico with his friends for Spring Break.

Next thing you know, I’m getting “the phone call.” You know, the one where: boy goes to Mexico, boy acts like a bung-hole, boy begs forgiveness.

What would you do? Would you forgive? Well, let me answer that question by saying: “Brian” is actually Sam, and we’ve been married for ten years.

TOTALLY KIDDING!! Of course I kicked Brian’s fat head to the curb!!! Never to speak to him again!!!!! (Except when my sister Erin and I followed the Ute basketball team to the Mountain West Conference Championship tournament in Vegas, and we needed a place to stay, and Brian – I mean Bob – lived there… Then I resumed communication, for the weekend. By Monday, I was back to being mad.)

4. TITLED: The “I didn’t know we were in a relationship, and suddenly I’m being dumped.”

I’ll save this story for a rainy day. But here’s a teaser: It involves current husband Sam, a love triangle with Bob and Betty, and an automatic bread-maker.

Yes, I get dumped even by people I'm not dating. Now, that's pathetic.

Feel free to share your dumpings with the class. Love you all. Hope you don’t dump me. It’s okay if you do. I’m used to it.

Wanna know the best way to cure those dumping blues? Watching Rafa this afternoon on ESPN 2. He's never dumped me. Ever.


P.S. Utes rocked the Cougs last night. Also another great way to recover from being dumped. Go Utes!