I've had a dilemma in my life. I can either be physically fit... or I can be writer. I haven't figured out a way to do both.
But I vow here and now that those days are over. I've been doing Zumba (and by "doing" I mean "stumbling over my two left feet and spontaneously clapping) and then I've also been doing Pilates (and by "doing" I mean "watching the people around me work their cores, and marveling at their strength").
Anyway, after a few weeks of this, something strange happened. I went to bed one night, and when I woke up the next morning, I wasn't alone. There was something small and unfamiliar near my stomach region.
I ran to the bathroom mirror to find this:
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| Objects in mirror are less defined than they appear. Also, objects in picture are not my abs. They are a representation. To picture my abs, take this picture, add seven layers of fat and then subtract the hip dents. |
That's right. The stranger in my bed was a stomach muscle. (Okay, there's a sentence I never thought I'd type).
I was so excited, I had to write about it.
So here is my ode to my stomach muscle.
ODE TO MY STOMACH MUSCLE (I'm not really creative with titles)
Oh stomach muscle.
Little stomach muscle.
You are so little
You are more like a chicken nugget taped to my belly
Are you so lonely
stuck on my tummy with no other
stomach muscles to keep you company?
Are you so cold
without that warm layer of fat
that for so many years cushioned you
from the harsh elements of the world?
I will keep you warm
I will cover you in t-shirts and cardigans and Spanx
I will keep you company
I will cradle you
and love you
I won't jar you or jerk you around
and we will sit on the couch
and watch movies
and read books
and we will never have to go out
and... wait.
Stomach muscle? Where did you go?
Crap! Stomach muscle?
The only problem is that my stomach muscle is not a loyal friend. If he is neglected, or unappreciated, he will disappear on me, without a word.
What about you? Anyone out there sit in a chair for a living? What do you do?
Oh. My. God.
ReplyDelete....BWAHAHAHAHAHA......
This is totally my kind of blogging! =D And--I HAVE A CHICKEN NUGGET TOO! Though, I call it my one-pack abs (on a lucky day, it's a two-pack)
(I'm the same way--it's hard for me to stay as fit as I want when I'm in writing mode sometimes--UGH!)
You rock.
Fantastic! I feel the same way about my xyphoid process!
ReplyDeleteDebra- All this talk about chicken nuggets is making me hungry. :)
ReplyDeleteTony- hahaha. Who doesn't? *runs to look up xyphoid process*
My nerotic little dog helps me stay fit (and by "fit" I mean she makes me step away from the key bord several times a day). If I don't take her out on long (mile or more) walks almost every day she goes stir crazy and races around the house barking... well, even if I do take her out she still races around, but it isn't as frantic.
ReplyDeleteThis was wonderful, Brodi! I've been doing the P90X program (well, trying to anyway), and it's wonderful. But I've only got a one pack. And it looks like I'm due to delivery any day. Still, even if I can "see" the muscle improvement, it's still there. My back tells me everything time I get too busy to do the workouts.
ReplyDeleteOk, there's this show on the OWN called "Supersize vs. Superskinny" and two of those people swap diets for a week, blah blah blah. In between their story is this lady who is out to eliminate big bums (this show is set in the UK) and she has these ladies ride... a HORSEBACK SIMULATOR!!!
ReplyDeleteI checked it out on Amazon. I TOTALLY want one!
Griffin- So, all I have to do is find a neurotic little dog. Got it!
ReplyDeleteDonna- I tried the P90X program! For a whole day. It was fabulous.
Sally- Get me one too. That would be awesome. Could it replace a chair? Because I'd love to ride a horseback simulator while I'm writing.
OH NOOOO!! Seriously Brodi, I have to prepare myself every time I visit. I just come totally undone and laugh until something is spontaneously ejected, like my lunch or my wild cherry Pepsi - hitherto referred to as my "crack".
ReplyDeleteI, unfortunately, do not have a 6 pack, 1 pack or faux pack. I think I carry my keg just fine and am no longer offended when others smile and ask me when I'm due.
I attempted Zumba via Xbox 360 kinect but found the instructor and her shadow dancers a bit too prancey for my jerky movements. I even attempted the aerobics portion of the P90X. But after the Hopping squats then the Jumping Heisman, my body went on strike cramping all over. I got the hint and have decided to eat smaller portions more often through the day until my body forgives me.
"You are more like a chicken nugget taped to my belly" -->>> snort!!!!
ReplyDeleteUm, I have no chicken nugget to show for all my pilates (must be the bags of chips I'm consuming along with).
First time here, and I now realize that I met you at SCBWI in January in NYC (in the lounge with Kate W. late one night)and we chatted it up (not even sure you'd remember).
Anyway, take care!
Now that's the kind of poetry I get. That other flowery stuff goes way over my head.
ReplyDeleteI think you should name stomach muscle. Especially if he's going to be around for a while.
Angela- bodies can be so unforgiving.
ReplyDeleteChristina- I totally remember! It's so good to connect with you again. :)
Ruth- I shall call him Squidgy. Oh wait. That might not have the connotations I would want for a strong muscle. But he looks like a Squidgy.
I have a gym membership. It is a constant source of pleasure to think about how fit & thin I'll be someday... after I start going. Which, of course, can't happen while I'm busy writing, editing, reading....
ReplyDeleteWhy can't it be enough to just have the membership? Thinking about it all the time is hard!
I needed that laugh. THANK YOU! My chicken nugget of a stomach muscle wants to team up with yours. So hilarious. And I definitely think you have a future in poetry. ;)
ReplyDelete