The Dark Divine Launch Party and the Explanation of the Booby Jar

How was all y'all's New Years? Good?

Bree Despain's launch party was on Saturday at the King's English (indie bookstore in Salt Lake City).

She did a fabulous job, and I think she may have secured herself a place as #1 crazy in our writing group when she showed the crowd her revision process, involving roughly 465 color-coded tabs and highlights, each color representing a different aspect of writing. Seriously, we should vote now. (Added: Thanks to Melissa for the pic)

All in favor of Bree for #1 Crazy? Aye! (In the pic above, she's raising her hand too.)

Bree packed the house, and the bookstore sold out. I've never seen that happen.

Our writing group's official t-shirts came in.

 (Sara B. and Kim R., modeling the new shirts with Sarah W.)

I went into the back room of the bookstore to change, and when I finally squeezed myself in (using a shoe horn and a nearby oil slick), I realized what Valynne meant by "they run a little small".

I looked at myself in the mirror, and I could read the make and model of my bra.

So I put a v-neck black shirt over the t-shirt. But I still wanted to feel a part of my critique group, so I pulled down at the "v" and flashed everyone wherever possible.

Not only was it gratuitously tight, but I made it worse by looking like a flasher.

After I flashed Matt Kirby, he said, "Brodi, you have turned awkward moments into an art form."

(Matt Kirby and the non-awkward Sara Zarr)

Emily Wing Smith kept saying the shirts "amplify our ample racks" or something to that effect, which meant she owed a lot of quarters to the "Booby Jar". (Every time someone mentions boobies, or refers to them, that person must donate a quarter to the jar. To give you an idea of how much we talk about them, we're planning on the jar financing a group cruise.)

I met a lot of blog readers in person, so thank you to all of you who came!

Here are blog readers Mary and Alana with Emily Wing Smith.

Here are Ben Ballou, Cam Ballou, me (in my v-neck, in a rare moment of non-flashing) and Heather Zahn Gardner. Ben, Heather and I went to Junior High school together.

I also got to reunite with my class from the BYU writing conference over the summer. I felt like there were so many familiar faces, I sorta grew accustomed to introducing people, culminating in this moment:

me: "Elana, this is Kim. Have you two met?"

Elana: "Um, Brodi, Kim and I have been in the same critique group for years."

me: "Right. Sorry. Here, have you met Bree?"

Elana: "Years ago. In our critique group."

Nerts!

Finally, blog reader Robin (who lurrrves spreadsheets) sent me a custom made spreadsheet to document my Diet Coke intake in 2010. Isn't that nice? I was trying to explain it to my family, and I was all, "It's got like, a bunch of columns, and a bunch of rows, and I put in a number and it magically gives me another number. It's in a program called Ex-ell. Exx... celll... or something."

I told them I wanted to show it on the blog but I had no idea how. My bro-in-law D says, "Lemme guess. You took a picture with your iPhone."

How did he know?

Do you see the awesomeness that is the spreadsheet? Can you imagine the depression at the end of this year if I'm vigilant and record every diet coke?  The last column should read "percent chance that your skin will fall off due to over consumption".

How was everyone's New Year? Do your kids start school today like mine? Are you jumping for joy too?

Happy New Years, I'm Inviting you to a Party, and my Favorite Stephen King Nugget

Happy New Year everyone!

Just a quick invitation; come hang with me:

Bree Despain's official launch party is tomorrow, Saturday, January 2nd, at 3:00 p.m. and you are all invited! The more, the more crowded! (I was gonna say the more the merrier, but that is so very cliche). It will be at The King's English in Salt Lake City. (In the neighborhood of 15th and 15th.)

In case you haven't noticed, Bree's book is kicking some serious arse, so come meet her before she gets so famous she has to get bodyguards, and an entourage (besides her writer's group), and she becomes reclusive and writes a bunch of books only to shove them in the top drawer of her rolltop desk.

You may have heard a rumor that she spent last week puking her guts out, or that she almost burned down her house, but I can assure you these are just that... rumors that happen to be very true.

I don't think she's puking anymore, and even if she is, and she pukes all over your book, think how much more valuable that book will be!

Okay, I think I'm officially in trouble. Anywho, I'll be there, and I would love to meet some of you in person if I haven't met you yet. (That sentence was embarassingly clunky. And seriously, no one should ever use the world "embarassingly". Stephen King would be so ashamed.)

Speaking of which, I spent much of yesterday re-reading Stephen King's book "On Writing", which is a fabulous memoir/instruction manual as to the craft. If you are a writer, and you haven't read it, read it. (Thanks to Nikki M. for reminding me about the beauty of this little book). 

My favorite little nugget about inspiration:
King advises to keep to a writing schedule. Every day, at the same time. He goes on to say...

"Don't wait for the muse. As I've said, he's a hardheaded guy who's not susceptible to a lot of creative fluttering. this isn't the Ouija board or the spirit-world we're talking about here, but just another job like laying pipe or driving long-haul trucks. Your job is to make sure the muse knows where you're going to be every day from nine 'til noon or seven 'til three. if he does know, i assure you that sooner or later he'll start showing up, chomping his cigar and making his magic."

I love that. 

Update on the New Year's Melancholy:

We went to my sis-in-law's for a party last night. Kid B (whom we lovingly refer to as our sickly child) instantly developed a rash. I don't know why. Probably someone in the room looked at him wrong. Or maybe he saw a picture of a peanut. (He's allergic). 


Anyway, I took him home to fester in his own room, and Kid C and Sam stayed at the party. So, in a fitting twist of fate, I was alone on New Years Eve, reading a book. And it was seriously the best New Year's Eve ever.  


How was your evening? And are you coming to the Dark Divine party?

p.s. I'm thinking my blog needs a new look. Any suggestions? Hearts? Puppies? Bladders?

End of the Year Stats, Favorites and the Gifts that Suck and Blow

Howdy y'all.

1. Just to clarify from Monday's post, I would never use "Death by comfy chair" as the way out of this world. Thank you for all of your virtual hugs.

In case you missed it in the comments, here is the link I provided to atone for the depressing post: (Viewer Discretion Advised)

Kid B's Bummed Out Too

2. Christmas Gifts that Suck and Blow

Sucks:

My sister got Kid C a rock tumbler. It turns ordinary rocks into precious gems. Cool, right?

I thought it would be a fun afternoon activity. So, Kid C and I put it together, throw the rocks in the barrel, and plug it in the wall.

Let me tell you, the tumbler, when it's on, is not a quiet thing. It does not purr. Imagine rocks inside a hard plastic barrel being tossed about. Cuz that's what it is.

Kid C asks me how long before we have jewels. He has to yell. I check the instructions.

"Step 2: Wait for at least 48 hours, with tumbler running. Maybe it will be ready. Maybe not."

48 Frakkin hours? Yeah, thanks, Erin.

Blows:

My mom's been known to come up with edible gifts that are fairly inedible. This year it was a bag of roasted Edamame with a smattering of Wasabi.

I put one on my tongue, and it burned a hole. Sam ate one, and promptly grew a second hair on his chest.

It's okay, my mom doesn't read my blog.

3. Since I missed a lot of people for my Christmas Card, here is a virtual copy:

4. End of the Year Stats

I thought it would be fun to take a look at the numbers of 2009 for me.

Total blog hits: 20,000

Average hits per month for Jan - Jun: 1,000

Average hits per month for Jun - Dec: 2,000

Followers on Jan. 1st: 12

Followers as of Dec. 30th: 105

Hits came from 91 Countries

Interesting Search Words that led to people actually reading my blog:

"Brodi Ashton Nitrous Dentist"

"Saggy Bladder"

"How to Look Like Farrah Fawcett"

"Brain Masala"

Number of blog posts: About 150

Non-Blog stats:

Number of times I quit Diet Coke: 3

Number of Diet Cokes I've had this morning: 3

Number of Children: 2

Number of Children potty-trained: 1.5

Number of Words Written for New Book: 65,000

Favorite Television shows of 2009:

Dexter

BSG

Lost

24

Modern Family

Bones

True Blood

House

Favorite Movies:

Zombieland

District 9

Star Trek

Days I've played tennis: 125

Times I ate at Melting Pot: 5

Favorite Books:

Catching Fire

The Dark Divine

If I Stay

Favorite pieces of Writing Advice:

Give yourself permission to write a crappy first draft.

Make sure your Main Character has a Concrete Object of Desire.

If you want to learn about description, ask Kim.

So, what are some of your end of the year stats? Favorites? Sucks and Blows?

Happy New Year, y'all. Thanks for making my blog fun. We really are going to take over the world in 2010.

Better Late than Never, Rogue Toilet Paper, and Why I Hate New Years

Sorry folks. For the late blog. I wasn't even going to blog today- due to post-Christmas hangover and end-of-year blues, but then I got a message on my Facebook wall from a reader:

"I would be a lot more productive if you would just write your Monday blog post..."

So, if your productivity depends on my blog, I am up to the challenge. Wherever liberty is threatened, or productivity is suffering, I'll be there. But remember, when you judge this post, I'm doin' it on the fly.

1. Kid C and I went to church yesterday. While walking down the hall, we noticed a section of the wall that was missing it's outer sheet rock, exposing the wall innards. Apparently, it was due to a leaky pipe.

Kid C and I stopped and surveyed the damage. Kid C shook his head, and said, "What is Jesus doing to that wall?"

2. I won iPhone Solitaire 634 times. 634. Six Hundred Thirty-four. I won't tell you how many actual games I've played, because that would be just plain sad. But I will say this: My win percentage is 15.7%. So, if you're good with numbers...

3. Did I mention I hate New Years? Hate it. It's to do with the personality traits of the obsessively pessimistic. At this time of year, I can only dwell on everything I have failed to accomplish. The funk starts in early December, and continues on through days like today, where I'm sitting in a Borders, writing a book that sucks, and wondering if I can use the armrest of this comfy chair I'm sitting on to slit my wrists. It will take a lot of rubbing, and before the actual slitting occurs, I'm sure I will have third degree burns from the friction, which can only be painful...

Ummmm, dude, where was I? Maybe I shouldn't have blogged today. Bree Despain is sitting next to me, agreeing I shouldn't have blogged today.

4. On a lighter note: I saw Bree Despain's book out in the wild.

It truly is a rare occurance, since the local Barnes and Nobles keep selling out of the sucker. Way to go Bree. It appears she's good with the words, but not so good at keeping her toilet paper inside her restroom stall.

As I was taking this picture, a teenage girl walked into the room and gave me (camera in hand) a curious stare. I pointed to the roll of rogue toilet paper and said, "Take it! Do you know who it belongs to? Bree Frakkin Despain. Take it and sell it on eBay!"

She didn't take it. Guess she hasn't read the book yet...

How was everyone's Christmas?

Does Anyone know what Periwinkle even looks like?

The Perriwinkle Problem

Quick Post before my Christmas Break:

We had a little dinner to celebrate the birth of Bree Despain's book The Dark Divine. (The actual launch party is in January, so mark your calendars. Not sure what day. Just circle all of January.)

We were supposed to wear purple. I'm lucky if I find non-black in my closet, let alone purple.

But in the fashion of a Christmas Miracle,  I found a purple shirt to wear.

Here were the reactions:

Emily Wing Smith accused me of lying: "You can't possibly think that shirt is purple!"

Bree Despain complimented me: "What a lovely shade of lilac. I'm just happy you came."

Sara Bolton corrected her: "That's not lilac. If it's anything, it's periwinkle."

Sara's husband Ben (of the infamous fish v. amphibian debate) said: "I'm gonna wikipedia the arse off that shirt."

Kim Reid said: "At least you tried to wear non-black."

James Dashner accused me of being color-blind. He's all, "I've seen aliens with more color smarts than you."

I'm not surprised. Everyone knows that if aliens found their way to earth, they would be on a higher plane of intelligence, including a deeper understanding of the color wheel.

I told everyone: "It's Frakkin' purple! Who even knows what periwinkle looks like?"

Valynne (our group's bouncer) threatened to throw me out for such lies.

You tell me.

I'll do a longer post later on the evening's festivities. For now, enjoy the Silent Monks, singing the Hallelujah chorus.

Dark Divine Trailer, and Kid C's theories on the Afterlife

Happy Monday Before Christmas, Y'all!

I thought I'd be too busy trying to get ready for Christmas to blog, but then I remembered I don't cook, and I don't shop. I barely clean. I totally have time to blog!

1. Yesterday, Kid C gave me a glimpse of what he really believes about the afterlife:

Kid C: "Hey Brodi. When you die, and then when you come back, I'll be your father."

me: "Excuse me?"

Kid C: "When you die, and then when you come back, you'll be a little baby. So I'll be your dad. Right?"

me: "Um, no." (That's all I said, because I didn't even know how to begin to tell him all the things wrong with that sentence.)

Kid C: "Oh. Okay. Then, when you come back, will I be a teenager?"

me: (just to make things easier, and evade this teaching moment): "Yes."

2. Bree Despain's book The Dark Divine comes out tomorrow. Tomorrow! Check out this trailer for it:

3. So, it's December 21st. How are all y'all's Christmas Plans going? Or, if you don't believe, how is your:

-Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus?

-First Day of Winter?

-Humbug Day?

-Look at the Bright Side Day?

-National Flashlight Day?

Yep. These are all official holidays for December 21st. I wouldn't want to leave anyone out.

I love the evening of the 21st. That's when we gather our family, and hunt throughout our house for random flashlights, and then when it gets dark, we hunt around for the batteries. And then mother (in her kerchief) yells at father (in his cap) that he should've gotten stupid batteries at the stupid store. And then we light candles, and little Timmy mutters under his breath, "One day I'll be a teenager, and then I'm outta here."

It's beautiful, really.

Our Annual Holiday Book List Compiled... and Can You Believe James Dashner asked me to "Fetch"?

OUR BLOG BOOK LIST

So, I put all of our suggested books and authors together in a nifty list. I was going to link to them and stuff, but just thinking about trying to accomplish such a task makes my lips itch, and I figured we live in a Google world.

Books:

Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

If I Stay by Gayle Forman

The Dark Divine by Bree Despain

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl

Keturah and Lord Death by Martine Leavitt

Archangel by Sharon Shinn

Fairies of Dreamdark books by Laini Taylor's

Attolia series by Megan Whalen Turner

Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Brigg

Alpha and Omega series

Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia Wrede

Edgar Eager books

Lament by Maggie Stiefvater

Immortal: Love Stories with Bite by P.C. Cast

Intertwined by Gena Showalter

Wake, and Fade by Lisa McMann

The Mortal Instruments Trilogy

Invasive Procedures by Orson Scott Card

Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordan

Firegirl by Tony Abbott

Savvy by Ingrid Law

Ida B. by Katherine Law

Alcatraz and the Evil Librarians by Brandon Sanderson

His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman

Graceling and Fire by Kristin Cashore

When you Reach Me by Rebecca Stead

Lips Touch by Laini Taylor

Impossible and Rules of Survival by Nancy Werlin

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society

The Princess Bride

My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters by Sydney Salter

Jungle Crossing by Sydney Salter

Austenland by Shannon Hale

Miss Delacourt Speaks Her Mind by Heidi Ashworth

Authors to Read:

Lisa Shearin

Tasha Alexander

Deanna Raybourn

Susan Wittig Albert/Robin Paige

Other shenanigans at the Author Palooza:

As my last post mentioned, I went to the Barnes and Noble Author Palooza a couple days ago and here's a rundown:

-My "Essence of Jacob" hand lotion was overpowering. I think it's to do with the musky, earthy, steel-abs scent.

-Bree Despain, not believing it was so strong, decided to snort some. Seriously, Valynne held out the tiny bottle of "Essence of Jacob" for all to smell, and Bree jerked her head forward and impaled her nose on the bottle.

-Bree learned the hard way that upon contact with nasal passages, "Essence of Jacob" burns. (As it should. You've seen those abs, right?)

-I like typing "Essence of Jacob" in every sentence.

-Moving on... Stevie Wonder took our picture:

(Me, Emily Wing Smith, Valynne)

-James Dashner asked me to "fetch" him some more copies of Maze Runner. Apparently he doesn't know me very well.

-Valynne told James to "Fetch Off."

(Me and Valynne. Valynne is Secretary of Defense - aka "Bouncer" - of our Writing Group)

-James offered me his Sharpie pen he'd used to sign all night to make up for the offense. I took it and used it to sign our peace treaty.

-One of Mette Ivie Harrison's books has the word "Princess" in the title, but no actual princess in the book. So she signs it with "There is no princess in this book. Mette Ivie Harrison." I bought one of them, and when she told me how she was going to sign it, I said she might as well include, "There is no Santa Claus either."

Apparently Mette can't tell when I'm being sarcastic:

Which would be fine if I hadn't told her I was giving the book away on my blog. So apparently, only those 12 years old and older will be eligble to win, because by the time you're 12, you should know the truth, right?

-James Dashner showed off the paperback version of The 13th Reality, featuring a new artistic rendering of the main character.

When I saw it, I meant to say, "I would totally root for that boy." But it came out as, "I could totally go for that boy."

Creepy. I guess the "Essence of Jacob" went all the way to my brain.

Blogging may be sporadic for the next week or two, but I'll try to be on time.  What's everyone doing for the Holidays?