I Insist it's Good to Know the Odds When You're Navigating the Publishing World

Some of you, I won't name names... Cam... complained that my last post was a bit depressing. Especially, I assume, the part about how the house always has the odds. But I maintain it was not depressing. It was empowering. Hear me out.

Maybe I should've ended that section with a sentence along the lines of:

"You Can Do It!" said in thick Romanian accent, like a gymnastics coach who will carry his lame little gymnast.

Or I could've gone all Stuart Smalley on your bum, and forced you to repeat: "I deserve good things, I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with."

Or, we could choose those immortal words Han Solo uttered in Empire Strikes Back: "Never tell me the odds!"

But that doesn't change the fact that the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.

Oh man, there I go again. You see, I'm sorta in a position in which the odds are comforting. It's a formidable river, where the currents are working their hardest to pull me under, and sometimes they do. And each time the river wins, it helps for me to acknowledge the fierceness of my competitor.

How embarrassing it would be if I kept being pulled under by a white fluffy bunny. 

But I call myself a writer. Okay, really I call myself a typist. I write. And even though the river has had it's fair share of victories, I've made some distance across it. And one of these days, if the weather holds, and my boat is yar, I'll make it to the other side and the victory will be that much sweeter.

The only people that will make it across, are the ones who dare. Everyone, at one point, has dipped their toe in to test the temperature. Will you shiver and back away? Or will you kiss your loved ones good-bye, and dive in?

Anne Lamott points to a poem in her book on writing "Bird by Bird". If you haven't read it, it's worth a perusal. Anyway, Bill Holm says it much more eloquently than I.

"August in Waterton, Alberta":

Above me, wind does its best

to blow leaves off

the aspen tree a month too soon.

No use wind. All you succeed 

in doing is making music, the noise

of failure growing beautiful. 

And this applies to anything you're doing in life, but I'll use writers as an example. Writers are mad as snakes. But it's the "mad" who go up against the rivers and win. 

Ummm, so... go you.

What the Game of Craps teaches us about Writing a Book

Happy Friday, Y'all. 

Some of you have (Okay, just Hubby Sam) questioned whether or not I got any actual writing done during my "Writing Retreat to Vegas". Sure, I may not have written 15,000 words. But I guarantee I ate 15,000 calories. And the more I got thinking about it, the more I realized that Vegas had a lot to teach me about writing a book. So, here goes. My attempt to justify my trip to Vegas as a tax-exempt writing expense.

1. Always bet the Pass line. 

In Craps, every time there's a new roller, everybody bets the pass line. Every single time. It's like an ante. 

In Writing: Write something, every day. Even if it's something throwaway, like a blog post. (Okay, like most of my blog posts). You may "crap out" on the first roll. But it might also turn into something beautiful. Like a seven. Or an eleven.

2. To win a lot, you have to bet a lot. 

In Craps, the people who win are the people who have chips covering the table. And if a certain number rewards them, they "press it" (corrected), meaning they apply their winnings to the same bet.

In Writing: You gotta take chances. Don't be afraid to get your writing out there. Don't be afraid to get slammed. And if something resonates with people, "press it". Find what works, and double down.

3. If you are afraid to lose money, don't play. 

In Craps, the dealers see it all the time: people counting their chips before they make their bets. These are the people who don't lay it all out on the line. These are the people who lose.

In Writing: Lay it all out on the line. Write what you want to write. Write what you think you can't write. Write the book that no one else can write. If you are scared of rejections, don't bother submitting. If you are scared of ridicule, criticism, or failure, don't write. 

4. No matter what you do, the House always has the best odds.

In Craps, there's only one bet that will get you the same odds as the dealers. Betting the odds is the best bet in Vegas. Other than that, the House always, always, without a doubt, regardless of how many pretty women kiss the dice, always has the best odds.

In Writing: Everyone knows their odds when it comes to getting a book published. They suck, basically. That's just the way it goes. Even if you write a killer book, it may be a time when there's a deluge of "killer books" on the market, and they won't have room for yours, no matter how good it is. It's good to know this, going in.

5. Listen to your dealer: He'll tell you what odds to bet.

Unless you're John Nash or the Rain Man, listen to what the dealer says you should bet. For reasons beyond my mental capabilities, certain bets get you whole integer returns, and certain ones get you like a buck 45, and the casino will just pocket the 45. The dealer (in our case, "Carmine" at the Casino Royale) will tell you what to bet so this doesn't happen. 

In Writing: Take constructive criticism. Find a good critique group, and listen to what they have to say. I like to have five people read my stuff, and then if 4 out of 5 have a problem with a certain thing, I know it should be fixed. No book is good enough the first time around. Every book gets edited. Unless you're Stephenie Meyer. And I'm pretty sure Cormac McCarthy sets his own rules. But at one point in their careers, they were critiqued and they listened.

6. Every day, someone in the casino will roll for forty minutes without hitting a seven. You want to be there when it happens.

In Writing: At some point, you may finish a book, about Fallen Vampires in the Dystopian future, and right at the moment you finish, you might hear on Twitter that a particular agent is begging for books about Fallen Vampiers in the Dystopian future, and you've got one. This will never happen if you don't play the game, and put in the work.

7. Never switch the dice to a different hand.

They get so mad when you pick up the dice and then switch them to your other hand. And then you get nervous, and so you switch them back and forth without realizing it, and then you lash out and blame the guy standing on your left for distracting you...

Okay, maybe that's just me.

I spoke at SCBWI about blogging on Wednesday night, so I'll share the tips with y'all next week. What's everyone doing this weekend?

Las Vegas by the Numbers

Howdy Y'all. I'm back from Vegas! I missed my blog, because apparently Vegas has everything, including Wi-Fi, but for a price. Isn't that like paying for air these days? 

I'll get into more details on Friday (when I compare writing a book to a game of Craps) but for now...


Las Vegas by the Numbers:

Number of times we went to bed before midnight: 0

Number of times I’d stayed up after midnight before this trip: 0

Time on the clock when I finally woke up on our last morning: 11:00 (Seriously? How embarrassing.)

Number of snacks waiting for us in Valynne's car: 7

Number of “Craps 101” classes taken: 1

Number of consecutive hours at a Craps table: 2

Number of times I told other players what to bet: countless

Number of dealers named “Carmine”: 1

Number of times I annoyed the roller by yelling, "C'mon Orange Hat Guy! Gimme a nine!": 4 (In fairness to me, he was wearing an orange hat, and he didn't tell me his name...)

Number of times we lost Emily Wing Smith in the casino because she saw and followed “pretty shiny machines”: 52

Number of times we searched for her by following “anything resembling a snow globe or a bunny, or anything with pretty lights”: 52

Number of times we watched the fountain show in front of The Bellagio: 3

Number of buffets: 3

Number of countries represented at the Rio Buffet: at least 30

Number of bead strands earned from scantily clad men and women aboard a floating pirate ship in the sky: 2

Number of times – after reading above sentence – Sam asked me, “Are you sure you weren’t drinking?”: 4

Number of times friends told me I simply had to “smell” the Venetian Hotel: 6

Number of times I said, "I've found my happy place" while visiting Coke World: 7

Number of samples from Cokes around the world: 16

Number of samples that made Sara regurgitate on the floor: 1 (the sample from Italy. Disgusting.)

Number of times I said, "Isn't he cute?" about a Diet Coke aluminum bottle: 4

(His name's "Fred")

Number of times we ate before 3:00 p.m.: 0

Number of fingers I gnawed off due to hunger: 3

(Finally discovered Emily and Valynne don’t get hungry until dinner time.)

Number of times we debated the merits of the Chipendales vs. the Thunder from Down Under: 4

Number of times I saw the show: 0 (A number I hope to rectify soon...)

Bree Despain and I are speaking at the SCBWI meeting at the Salt Lake Library tonight at 7:00 p.m. It's free, so if you're in the neighborhood, stop on by!

Thanks to everyone for making our guest blogger Sam feel so loved on Monday. I thought he did an excellent job. If you like his sense of humor, check out his blog. 

How was everyone else's weekend? Anyone catch Lost last night? Anyone else's mind blown? As a side note, how many times to I have to watch Juliet die?

Books, Being a Bachelor (for the weekend) and Watching the Bachelor

You are stuck with me (Sam, the lovely husband) today. Brodi is out partying in Las Vegas like she is a 19 year old on Spring Break. I am partying at home with my boys, work, laundry, kitchen cleaning like I am a middle aged man. I don't doubt though that she has gotten a ton of writing done. I mean, when I think of getting together with fellow writers to pump out a great novel, I think, Vegas is a nice quiet town with few distractions...this will be a great place to get some work done. Who does she think she is kidding? With that said, hopefully she won lots of money and enjoyed the Thunder from Down Under.

I am assuming that most of Brodi's blog readership are big readers of YA Fiction. Though I don't read much of this genre, the books that I have read, I have enjoyed quite a bit. People often get a wrong perception of YA fiction though, thinking that it is for 10 year olds who can barely read. As you know, it is not. Brodi and I both know people that say that they won't read this genre because it is for kids...and then they talk about how much they loved the Harry Potter Books or the Hunger Games. Kinda funny.

I read a lot of adult mystery/thriller fiction type books. I am currently reading Stieg Larsson's novel 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.' It is fabulous. It is thoroughly interesting, mysterious and intense. I told Brodi the other day that I really liked the girl with the dragon tattoo and that I just met her (meaning it took a little while for the book to introduce her) and she dryly responded 'I sure hope you are talking about a book and not about a girl down the street.' If you are looking to read some adult fiction and want terrific and highly entertaining books, check out the following authors: David Rosenfelt, Lee Child, David Baldacci, Harlen Coben. Nice, easy, fun Spring and Summer reads. Do you have any adult fiction favorites that you would like me to check out? I am always looking for good reads.

Now, on to the Bachelor. I have no idea what season of the Bachelor we are in, but I have never watched more than 1 episode of a season. This year, I have started to check it out and it is hillarious and awesome. I blogged about the first episode, click here . What I find so funny is that in real life, can you imagine a guy going out on a date with a girl and halfway through their '10 minute' date, he says 'I am looking for a wife.' In the real world, that girl would simply pat him on the shoulder (and probably kick him in the groin) and walk away from the guy immediately. In the Bachelor world though, if you don't tell the Bachelor how much you want to get married right this very second (and that you want kids), he will withhold a rose from you and send you walking. You have to act desperate, though not crazy desperate, in order to stay alive in the game.

The good thing about Jake the Bachelor is that he is kicking girls out with abandon. He was given a rose to give to one of two girls. Well, he decided he didn't want either so to dramatic effect, he drops the rose into the fireplace. I wanted him to scream at the rose, 'Burn baby burn!!!' But, he didn't...he just sat there looking sad and reflective on his decision. The other thing about Jake is that he is obviously comfortable with his body as his outfits usually include painted on shirts, the shirtless look, more painted on shirts and another shirtless outfit. His wardrobe is probably pretty cheap for the show: a bombers jacket and paint and they have his daily attire.

I told Brodi that if we all of a sudden got a divorce and the show's producers called me wanting a mid 30s, male metrosexual mormon, then I would say Yes. I would go on the show and have a grand old time. I would have my roses to give out and call a girl up and right when she would get there, I would apologize and say I made a mistake and that she was eliminated and then I would scream 'booyah!' I would also walk around the mansion in a speedo. And I would cry. A lot. To show the ladies how sensitive I was. I would also throw dance parties. And I would have the band Chicago come and sing while I danced with one of the ladies...oh wait, they did that this year. Which led me to wonder-- Was Air Supply too busy? What about Hall and Oats? Did they have another gig at a High School prom? Oh well, Chicago aint bad.

The Bachelor is down to just a few left. If you watch, who are your favorites still left? If you don't watch, congratulations on having a life. Here are my favorites, in order:

Ali--Cute as a button (not that buttons are generally cute, but if by luck, it was a cute button, it would be her) but she is obsessed with Vienna. Nobody likes Vienna. Vienna is like Iran. Hated by almost everyone. But Ali is like the United States, always talking about Iran, er, Vienna. And the United States has to turn to places like Switzerland...wait, this analogy sucks. Sorry. Anyway, Ali would rather talk about Vienna than do just about anything. If Ali could find a knife in that house, it would end up sticking out of Vienna's back. I am surprised she has not yet smothered Vienna with a pillow.

Corrie--we haven't gotten to know her as much as some of the other girls, but I dig her. She did a standup comedy routine and took no prisoners. But the show has not focused much on her so I don't think she has much life left here.

Tenley--She is a sweet girl who had her first romantic kiss since her divorce happen with Jake. It was terribly romantic. Just her and Jake and 13 television cameraman and producers in the same room. Very romantic.

Roz--oh wait, she was kicked out at the start of the season for having inappropriate relationships with one of the shows producers. Now, nobody knows what the inappropriateness was, but I am DYING to find out. I am a loyal viewer and I demand to know what happened. Tell me now! Anywho, she was gone right toward the start and she is now at home watching all of the events unfold, no doubt being very inappropriate. We love you Roz.

Vienna--none of the girls like her because they think she is fake. Lets be honest, they are all pretty fake...they are trying to impress a guy in a few weeks so that he falls in love. In front of Jake, they are on their best behavior. But Vienna rocks it when she is with the other girls. They hate her and it is awesome tv.

Gia--seems nice. The show also reminds us constantly that she is a swimsuit model. Its hot tub time...all the time for Jake.

That is all for today. Brodi will be back for Wednesday's post. If there are any comments on my blog post, I will respond when I can during the day. I have a job. You know, I have to help pay for Brodi's work trips. To Vegas. Have a great day y'all.

Kid C and the Case of the Burritos

I'm off to Vegas today! I'm going with 2/3 of the Six. Numbers 1, 2, 4, and 6. 

My weekend away feels like providence, because Kid C has a case of the burritos. 

You see, we don't really say the "d" word a lot at my house. You know, the word for the runs? Because if Kid C knows that word, then he'll use that word every time he has a little tummy-ache, or even a headache, and everyone around him will run for the hills.

Anywho, one morning this week, I actually called it the "d" word. I only used it once, but I basically said, "Hopefully it's just something you ate, and it's not a case of ["d" word]."

After school, Kid C came home and I asked how he was feeling. He said, "It's bad. I think it's a case of the burritos."

me: "What?"

Kid C: "A case of the burritos. Did you know if you have a case of the burritos for a whole month, you'll probably die?"

me (still totally confused): "Are you saying you ate burritos at lunch?"

Kid C (with a horrified look): "Eeeewwwww. No. I have a case of the burritos."

me (after a few calculations in my brain): "Do you mean a case of ["d" word]?"

Kid C: "Oh yeah. A case of ["d" word]."

I guess he was trying to remember the word I'd used, and the closest thing he could come up with was "burritos". I have to give him credit. They both have double r's. 

So, anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do in Vegas? I'm slightly Vegas-illiterate. I wish I had a huge enough blog where I could have friends in every city and they could show me around. 

Hubby Sam will take over the blog on Monday, so be sure to read and comment so he doesn't feel like a failure. 

What are y'all doing this weekend? Sorry if I forever ruined burritos for you.

Winner of The Dark Divine, and Happy Birthday Sam! Here's a Chia Obama.

And the winner of the signed copy of The Dark Divine is:

Inkinabox

email me your address (email addy in side bar).

1. So, Sam got the coolest birthday present from his sister. Presenting... Chia Obama

Hail to the Ch-Ch-Ch-Chief.

You can even choose between "Happy" Obama and "Determined" Obama.

Personally, I think "Happy" Obama looks a little too much like George W. Bush. Like he's laughing at a dirty joke none of us heard.

Sam was excited to get "Determined" Obama, because considering the economy right now, it would be a little inappropriate if Obama was anything but determined.

2. Our three goldfish have gone to live on a farm. Not the one in the sky, but one right here on earth, where they can run and jump and there are no fences and no borders. Where they'll be happy, frollicking in the grass.

My friend Leisha said that sounds like an "All Kill Fish Shelter".

Anywho, we exchanged the three goldfish for one Betta (Kid C named him Chopie) and one little tiny snail (Quid. He wanted to name him Liquid, but we shortened it to Quid.)

I am happy to be rid of the goldfish... I mean, to send them to the farm, because they are so darn dirty. And they're not the brightest bulbs in the fishbowl. We'd put them in another bowl while we cleaned the tank, and instantly that new bowl would be filled with poo.

Not only that, they kept trying to eat the poo, and then they'd hurry and spit it out. And they never learned their lesson.

They'd go around in circles, saying:

"Hey, Food! ... Nope, poo."

"Food! ... Nope, poo."

"Yay! Food! ... Nope, poo."

"Food! ... Nope, poo."

"This time it's food! ... Nope, poo again."

I'd stand over the fish bowl and yell, "It's all poo!"

And they'd see me near the bowl, and they'd assume I had just fed them, and they'd look around anxiously.

"Food! ... Nope, poo."

So, how's everyone else's week going?

All the Benefits of Attending the WIFYR Conference (Meeting Shannon Hale!) and Using Google to Answer my Fashion Questions

Happy Monday Y'all

Don't forget there's still time to enter to win Bree Despain's The Dark Divine. Really, you just have to leave a comment. Yep. I'm that easy.

1. So, last weekend I got together with some of my friends from the WIFYR workshop. (See the friendships you can make? If you haven't signed up for the workshop, do it now.)

Since our workshop in June, one of us signed with an agent (Kim Reid), one of us had a book come out (Bree Despain), one of us sold a book to Greenwillow* and signed with an agent (Heather Dixon). In fact, the editor and the agent she signed with both came to WIFYR and she met them there. See? Good stuff happens.

Anywho, so we had a little reunion of sorts, and Shannon Hale came too and dished about the latest goings-on in the industry, because she really is that cool.

I wanted to be cool too, and since I can't do it through my wit or my writing success, I decided to buy a knit headband like all the kids are wearing.

Only, when I put it on, it looked like this:

And I thought, although that woman looks very hot, I don't think that's how it's supposed to be worn.

So then I tried it Rafa style:

And really I looked more like Bjorn Borg:

Finally, I knew I was going to be late to the party, and I had to come up with something because I didn't bother actually doing my hair. So I ended up Googling "how to wear a knit headband".

What do you think? Somewhere between Rafa and Bjorn, right? I'm sure that's what every woman aspires to look like: a mix between Rafa and Bjorn.

Also at the party:

*Bree Despain said her husband should totally write bodice rippers, and then offered no further explanation. (Brick, feel free to defend yourself. Unless you really do want to write bodice rippers. In that case, I'd exercise your right to remain silent.)

*Leisha Maw asked me why I haven't blogged about blood or other bodily fluids lately. I guess I need to remedy that.

*Joel Smith said he doesn't tweet because someone (okay, it was me) kept laughing at his tweets. I said that was a good thing.

*Someone said they don't tweet because they have nothing interesting to say. Then I took a look at some of my latest tweets:

Watching Doggy Makeovers on the Today Show. Wondering when we switched to the alternate universe where this is news.

At marathon writing day, @emilywingsmith said, "Wearing bunny slippers means I want a guy to put the moves on me."

Local news anchor just said a rumor was "spreading on the world wide web." She then pegged her pants and said, "talk to the hand".   

Willard Scott's creeping me out. As in, there's a 50% chance I can find him on Today, and a 50% chance I can find him peeping in my windows.

And it got me thinking, WTH am I tweeting about? What was it about Willard Scott that I had to share with the world immediately?

Well, really it's the creepy way he talks about the Smucker's birthdays. "Here's Eleanor LaMott, she's 105 years old today. Doesn't she look young? Spry? Hot? I'm gonna get me some of that. She can butter my toast any day. Whoa ho ho. Happy Birthday Eleanor."

Okay, he doesn't go that far, but I'm reading between the lines.  Moving on...

*Jenilyn Tolley joined my conversation just as I raised my hands up in the air and shouted "Eustacian tubes!" She promptly left.

*Amy Reall dropped her homemade pie, and then still served it:

It was delicious.

*Bree Despain called me a comment whore. I totally agree, but I'm not sure what it means. Like there's nothing I won't do for comments? Or I pay for comments? Or I get a lot of comments? At least it's a cool title. Brodi Ashton. Comment Whore.

*Shannon Hale said it's very easy to make fun of James Dashner, but not as easy to make fun of Brandon Mull because of the dimple in his chin.

*Someone said she hasn't gotten very far in a certain book because she only reads it on the toilet.

*Okay, that was me. The high point in my conversation-making skills.

So, what did y'all do this weekend? Anyone else signed up for WIFYR?

*corrected