Three things, A Rant, And the Return of the Great Author Smackdown

Word Progress: 0/40,000*

*This will make sense once you read the blog post.

Hey y'all. Three things on this sunny Friday Morning:

1. A rant.

This morning, I had a doctor's appointment scheduled. I've been waiting six months for this appointment. 

The doctor's office called me several times during the week, warning me not to be late. They are not forgiving of new patients who are late.

About a half hour before the appointment, I received a phone call, telling me the doctor had to cancel because she was off delivering a baby.

That's all fine. So I call back to reschedule, and the office person says the soonest she can fit me in again would be in six weeks. 

What the WHAT? Six weeks? They cancel on me 30 minutes before the appointment, after warning me all week about the dire consequences if I was late, and the soonest they can reschedule is in six weeks?

Does anyone else think that's crazy? 

The scheduler asked me if the end of May was good for me. Because I am not afraid of confrontation, I replied with a scathing "Um, yeah. That should work fine."

Why am I so scared of schedulers? Because my uncle was killed by a scheduler.

Kidding. I suck.

2. Lady of Leisure

Kid C (8 years old) said to me the other day: "Brodi, I think you are the most relaxed person in our family."

me: "What do you mean?"

him: "You don't go to work. You don't go to school." Thoughtful pause. "There must be something you can do..."

3. An Author Smackdown: The Chimichanga Challenge Returns

40,000 words in 21 days. 

Many of you will remember that Everneath came about because of a contest I had with author Bree Despain: The Chimichanga Challenge. It was a race to finish our novels.  (Mine became Everneath, hers was the sequel to The Dark Divine). 

Side note: I can't really remember why we called it the Chimichanga Challenge, but I think it was because we were talking about it in the parking lot of Costco when a strange man tried to sell us tamales out of a zip-lock bag he was carrying.Tamales... Chimichangas.... there you go.

To motivate each other for our current WIPs (Works-in-Progress), we are having another race. Here's the rundown.

Team names remain the same:

Brodi.... Team Tamale

Bree......Team Gluten-Intolerant

Object of the Race:

To reach 40,000 words (in addition to the ones already written) by May 6, 2011. 21 days from now.

The Rules:

a. Never talk about Fight Club.

b. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

c. Never bury the lead.

The Point:

Brodi finishes EVERNEATH 2

Bree finishes DARK DIVINE 3

We will blog about our progress, and we will trash talk each other. (Can you believe she can't handle dairy products? Wuss.)

And, dear blog readers, you can divide yourselves into teams as well. Join one of our teams, or form your own team and start writing! And contrary to many religious zealots, you can bat for both teams if you want.

Here's the best part: If we all reach 40,000 words in 21 days, we all win! Yay! Winners can treat themselves to whatever they want. Everyone can win!

But I will say: Last time, I totally won. 

So, what do you think? Do you want to form your own team? Do you want to join one of ours? Who do you like better, me or Bree? What do you like better? Tamales or Gluten Free Rice Bread?

Do you think the doctor totally should've squeezed me in before six weeks?

FBF Winner, and Presenting the First Page of My New Book (Feel Free to Disregard)

1. Free Book Friday Winner:

Keersten

Choose your top three books from the picture and email me your address. (Email in sidebar).

2. Team Tamale Deadline
Tonight is the deadline for Team Tamale. And I can tell you all, I'm finished with my book! Now there's a huge difference between typing The End, and having a draft that's actually readable by someone else.

Right now, it's about at the reading level for hamsters. By December, I'm hoping to take it to the next level. Bats.

3. SCBWI Conference

Anyone in the Salt Lake area writing for children out there? Young Adult, Middle Grade, Picture Book? The SCBWI Utah conference is this Saturday. I'll be there. I also happen to know Bree Despain will be speaking at some point.

And SCBWI Queen Sydney Salter brings in editors, agents and authors who shed skin cells on the whole publishing industry. (You thought I was going to say "shed light", didn't you? I was going to, but I didn't want to be cliche.)

If you do want to go, make sure you email Sydney Salter asap and work it out with her that you want to pay at the door. Tell her I sent you, and she'll jack up the price an extra 10%. Her email's in the sidebar.

4. I vow to Up My Blog Quality, so Up Yours.

Y'all know I've been a little light in brain cells lately with this whole Chimi-Challenge '09. But now that it's over, at least my part of it is, I promise my blog quality will resume it's normal, lackluster sweaty sheen. I just snorted over that last sentence. Heh heh. It doesn't even make snense.

I bet right now, y'all are wishing for a guest blogger. Well, too bad! My blog's not cool enough to attract guest bloggers.

So, as a final salute to mediocrity, I will present the first page of my new book. Feel free to skip to the end of this post without reading. I will not be offended.

Whoa. Stage fright. Hubby just told me, "Maybe you don't want to share your first page. Maybe you want to wait until you've revised a few times."

To which I reply, "Did General Custer hesitate on his way to Little Big Horn? I think not."

So, like a mobster who brings a knife to a gunfight, I present my first page. As for comments, ummm... if you have to choose between being nice, and being honest, choose nice. (btw, it's a Young Adult novel, about a teenage girl who's been gone for a long time, but gets a chance to go back to her high school)

CHAPTER ONE

It’s too soon.

But, really, I’d been gone for one hundred years. Everything about my old life would be too soon. Especially high school.

The halls of Jackson High looked the same, and I reminded myself that above ground – far above the Underneath - only a few months had passed during my absence.

Senior year. A waste of time, in one respect, considering I would never graduate. But I needed be here to glimpse, for a moment, the life I had before. The year I should’ve had. To see Jack one last time. To stockpile memories that would nourish me for the next century. I could do this without hurting him again.

I glanced down at my schedule. First period English Literature. As I checked the room numbers at the tops of the doors, curious whispers floated along the hall behind me. Hanging in the air above my head. Blended together, belonging to no single voice.

Isn’t that Nicole Beckett?
She looks awful… Is she using?
Has to be… She was with the band. What else would do that to person?
Poor Jack. Does he know she’s back? Does he know she’s strung out?

When I found the right room, I clutched my books into my chest, lowered my head, and walked through the door.

Someone -- probably the teacher -- called from near the front of the classroom. “Miss Beckett? Is it?”

Hearing my own last name did strange things to my heart. Made it beat a little faster. A little harder. It’d been so long since I had a last name. For a hundred years, Cole only called me by my first name.
***

Okay, thanks for humoring me. Now to just get up the courage to press "publish post". How's y'all's week going? Pressing "Publish Post" in 3.... 2.... 1

Weekend Top Five, The Conundrum that is the Smile, and Anatomy of a Star Trek Smackdown

Rundown from Chimi-Challenge week:

1. Deadline to finish my WIP (Broken) is Wednesday night at midnight. I spoke to Team Tamale officials, and they are confident the book will be finished at 11:59.

a. For the next act, Team Gluten-Intolerant will finish her sequel by Nov. 30.

b. How is everyone doing on NaNoWriMo? Shellie? Eden? Olivia? Alysa? Hannah? Who am I missing?

2. We got our family pictures Saturday morning. We've been planning it for two years. The Photographer said for everyone to wear the same solid color like red, blue, black, tan or similar. We all showed up in different colors: Red, Blue, Black, Tan and White. Two years planning, and we still don't get it right. Even I know Blue and Black don't match.

(Ashton family throwing leaves in frustration over our inability to coordinate colors)

3. Our original photographer had to cancel at the last minute because of a death in the family. We began to think the Universe didn't want us to get our pictures taken. Then my good friend from high school Heather Zahn Gardner stepped in and rescued us.

Apparently, the Universe doesn't care if we get our pictures taken or not, only that we continue to struggle with the simple concept of the elusive "Smile".

Take 1Take 2

Take 3

Take 4

Take 542

You can see Heather had her work cut out for her, but she remained cool and calm.
Behold, here are Kid B and Kid C, looking cuter than our collective gene pool should allow.

4. Attempted to potty-train Kid B.
You know how babies get their nights and days mixed up? Well, Kid B is exhibiting the same behavior, only with potty-training. He sits on the toilet for hours at a time, and then gets up and goes into the living room to pee.

Apparently all the world's his toilet, except for the actual toilet, which is his oyster, and he'd never pee in his oyster.

(Please, Sir? Just one more diaper?)

5. The other night at Sunday Dinner, there was a fissure in the Galaxy. Did you hear it?

It all began when one side of the table uttered the classic fightin' words: "In the Star Trek Universe, the Gold uniforms signified command, and the red, engineering."

Well, you can imagine the Smackdown that ensued. (For those of you who don't know, a Star Trek Smackdown consists of two people climbing into a fighting arena with nobody watching, because nobody cares.)

The other side of the table answered with a, "Uh Nuh Yuh Did-enh!" (Translated: "Oh no you didn't" in Klingon). "Gold signifies engineering. Red: Command!"
Then they turned to me, the one with the iPhone at hand. I looked it up and found the source of the discrepency: Yes, we are all losers, no matter what color we wear.

How was all y'all's weekend? What did you do? Do you know the meaning of the Trek uniforms? Do you care?

Off to write at Border's. Team Tamale Forever!

FBF Winners, Author Smackdown, and My List of Things That Must Go

1. FBF Winners

Two winners this week. One from the Smackdown Post and one from last Friday's post.

Smackdown Winner: Una
Friday's post Winner: Cam

Please email me (in sidebar) with your top three choices from the picture below and your mailing addresses. There are also two copies of Hush, Hush.

2. Author Smackdown

First round goes to Bree Despain (aka Team Gluten Intolerant). She emailed me 45 pages of her sequel Monday night. If you get a chance, congratulate her. Now she must finish her book by Nov. 30th.

Next Round: Team Tamale (that's us) owes an entire novel by one week from today.

Original word count: 39,528

Word Count as of this morning: 48,742

So, about 49,000. Goal 65,000.

16,000 words in 8 days. Doable.

How is everyone's NaNoWriMo going? Shell, Alysa, Eden, Olivia, Hannah?

3. Things that Must Go

Okay, so today is one of those days where I need everyone’s help with the blog. I am bra deep in my race to finish my book. Let’s do a big blog-wide list of things that must go. I’ll start.

1. When Twitter friends Tweet something like, “I’m eating Mangoes and Sticky Rice. Sorry you can’t be here @brodiashton. It’s soooo gooood. 140 characters doesn’t do it justice.”

2. Those lights on cars that look almost like they are brights, but not quite, so I don’t know if the butt-munch behind me is mad at me, or just driving normally. So I don’t know if I should slam on my brakes in response to our disagreement, or if there’s no disagreement in the first place. Capice?

3. Itchy skin.

4. Wine Frye "hot spots" that don’t work. I need a Wi-Fi hit, Barnes&Noble in Sugarhouse. I need a hit! Why do you insist on thwarting me?

5. Goldfish that refuse to die of natural causes.

6. People who don’t understand Barnes&Noble is a place to write novels. Not talk to your kids about what kind of books they should read. Be quiet!

So, help me out here folks. What are your Things That Must Go?

NaNoWriMo, Team Tamale, and why my Head Exploded on Halloween... hint: Legos

1. NaNoWriMo

Welcome to National Novel Writing Month, where thousands of people try to write an entire novel in the month of November.

It took me two years to write my first novel, so I admire anyone attempting this feat. A few of my friends are going for it. Good luck Eden and Shellie and Bree and Olivia and Alysa.

Anyone else doing it?

2. Author Smackdown/Chimichanga Challenge '09

Team Tamale Update:

Goal: 65,000 words
Current word count: 45,000
Time left: 10 days

20,000 words. 10 days.

Team Gluten-Intolerant's deadline for 45 pages is tonight. We'll see what happens...

For our next challenge, Bree must finish her entire book by the end of November. It's convenient because she has joined NaNoWriMo. But inconvenient because writing an entire book in a month is hard. 50,000 words hard. Go Bree!

She blogged about it today, so please go over to her blog and encourage/threaten from Team Tamale.

3. Here's my rundown of the weekend

-On Halloween, a woman at Smith's Marketplace, behind me in the checkout line, says to me, "Is your name Angie?"

me: "Excuse me?"

her: "Are you Angie?"

me: "Um, no. Sorry."

Her: "Oh. It's just that you look like one of my friends who I haven't seen in a long time."

me (thinking I'm funny, and I'll make her day): "Oh yeah? What's her name?"

Her: "Um, Angie. Didn't I mention that?"

Me (realizing she doesn't think I'm funny): "Right. Yes, you did mention that. I just wasn't sure she was the friend you were talking about when you said I looked like your friend. Maybe Angie's not your friend, ya know?"

Her: "Um, what?"

Me: "Sorry. I'm dressed as a mental patient today. Get it? Ha ha."

Her: Walks away, chooses another checkout line to stand in. She said it was because the line was moving too slow. I couldn't agree more.

- All three goldfish are still alive. My friend offered me a fishbowl to use instead of our mixing bowl, but I told her I was afraid a real fishbowl would give the fish the wrong idea. About long-term housing options.

-Considering how much shaking the fish endured at the hands of my three-year old, I sorta thought they would fall victim to the old "five step exploding heart" maneuver. You know, where they take five steps and then their heart explodes because of all the abuse.

But so far, no exploding fish hearts. Maybe it's because my bowl is so small.

Kid C named the fish: Schmatzy, Flatzy, and Bill.

- I spent two hours Halloween night building Kid C's Lego battle ship. The picture on the box looks like this:

But the inside looks like this:
It says "Ages 8+" but I think they're giving my kid way too much credit. What do they think- I gave birth to Einstein? Have they met me? Have they met middle America?

Why in the world does the Lego company think we actually want to do the building ourselves? I felt like after I was finished, Lego should freakin' be paying me the $29.99. My fingers developed callouses overnight. I'm considering suing.

(The finished battleship)

Next time, I'm buying a pre-made one on eBay or something. btw, did you notice the stellar paint job on the wall behind the shelf? That was me. I didn't know it would be a backless shelf.

-More than a few trick-or-treaters asked, "Just how many pieces of candy can we take? Three? Five?"

Shrewd little boogers. I'm not calling them names. They were dressed exactly like shrewd little boogers.

I'm off to write. How was everyone's Halloween? What did y'all do?

Free Book Friday, and My Dad's War on Pancreatic Cancer

I love Everyone!

It's Free Book Friday. Find out at bottom how to enter.

1. Team Tamale Update:

Goal: 25,000 words in 14 days

Progress after 2 days: 4,000 words

21,000 more to go. Kapow.

Team Gluten-Intolerant is kicking butt as well, although she did waste three words doing this:
Go Bree Despain, and Team Gluten-Intolerant!

2. Pancreatic Cancer Update

I hate Halloween.

I've probably mentioned this, but 2 years ago, doctors discovered a tumor in my dad's pancreas on Halloween night. Cancer. Anyone know the numbers they throw at you once you've been diagnosed with pancreatic Cancer? It's not a pretty cancer. (As opposed to those beautiful cancers that look like fractals).

But a rock star doctor up at Huntsman Cancer Institute performed a complicated surgery called the Whipple, where they basically took out half of every organ. (The Whipple sounds too pansy. I since renamed the surgery: THE BEASTMASTER or THE VORTEX OF FIRE )

(Sis Erin, Dad, Me up at Huntsman Cancer Institute)

Anywho, against all sorts of odds, he's made it to the two year mark. Every three months, he gets his blood tested for the CA 19-9 protein... AKA "Tumor Marker". So every three months, the specter of cancer hangs over our beds, threatening our sleep, our sanity. We're always just one blood test away from life-changing.

For a year, the tests came back normal.

Then three weeks ago, the test showed an increase in the dreaded Tumor Marker. (Remember that one Friday, three weeks ago, where it took me forever to answer comments? Wait, what am I asking...? that my blog readers remember posts from three weeks ago? Seriously, get over myself!)

I probably don't need to tell you that once the cancer comes back... it ain't good. But I guess I did just tell you.

Sorry. Rambling.

Moving on, they decided to wait three weeks and then repeat the blood test.The day before Halloween. The dreaded Halloween results. Again. ARGH.

Last night, the results showed that we're still in the game! Tumor Marker came down! If the cancer was back, you'd expect it to go up steadily. It came down to funky town.

*Punches fist in the air- imagining she looks like Bruce Lee, but admitting she probably looks more like Cloris Leachman reaching for her next drink...*

So, I had to resurrect one of my favorite videos. The video shows two cats reenacting my Dad's battle with Pancreatic Cancer. My dad is the orange cat. Pancreatic Cancer is the black cat.



Funny cat fight - Watch more Funny Videos

3. My kids went to a Halloween party the other night, where they won three goldfish. Real, live, actual goldfish.

(Kid C as the Grim Reaper. Kid B as Winnie the Pooh. Sorta looks like the Grim Reaper is about to capture the Pooh, doesn't it?)

The goldfish came in little plastic ziplock baggies, and every time I tried to grab hold of Kid B's bag, he'd step back and shake the bag at me in a very threatening gesture. I'd say, "Be soft," and he'd start sqeezing the bag. I shadowed him all night, trying to keep that stupid goldfish alive.

He even ate while holding onto the bag. At one point, he reached for a donut and forgot he was holding the fish, and the bag went splatting to the ground.

Against all odds, all three fish are alive and swimming around my mixing bowl.

My Dad. My Goldfish. Despite the numbers, everyone's alive!

On a related note... anyone know how to kill goldfish and make it look like an accident?

Free Book Friday
To enter, leave me a comment and shout a big giant woo hoo for my dad! Those of you who left a comment on Bree's blog per Monday's request are already entered, but give me a woo hoo anyway.

Happy Halloween. What are y'all going as?