The Day my Phone Bit Back: AKA In the parable of the scorpion and the frog, it sucks to be the frog.

Hey y'all.

So, most of you know the destruction that befell (totally a word) my phone last September when I dropped it in a parking lot.

But I kept the phone, because I'm loyal like that and because it made a fantastic crunchy sort of noise every time I dialed a number.

Okay, and because I couldn't afford a new one. 

Well, my loyalty came back to bite me in the bum. Actually, it was the finger. As I was playing an intense game of Solitaire, I felt a sharp sting on my thumb. A shard of glass had embedded itself in my skin. And holy cow, that is ow. 

I gingerly removed the offending bugger, and then the blood started gushing. And by "gushing" I mean a tiny bead of red appeared. 

But really, the sharpest pain of all was in my heart. How had I been so deceived, that we could just go on like that without one or both of us getting hurt? 

The phone gave me puppy dog eyes, and said, "Have I ever told you the story of the scorpion and the frog?"

me: "No."

Phone: "The scorpion needed to cross a river, and so he asked the frog for a ride. 'But, you'll sting me!' the frog said. The scorpion replied, 'I promise not to sting you. I need to get across the river, and if I sting you, we're both in trouble.' The frog agreed and so the scorpion climbed on his back."

me: "Awww. How sweet."

Phone: "Then about halfway across the river, suddenly the scorpion pulls out a shard of glass, and stabs the frog in the thumb. 'What are you doing?' the frog said. 'You've killed us both!' And the scorpion replied, 'I can't help it. It's in my nature.'"

me: "Bite me."

Phone: "How about we save that for next week's lesson?"

But, dear blog readers, there will be no 'next week' for us. My heart has turned to stone. Little does my phone know that later today, I'm taking him to the glue factory, where he will be sacrificed to provide shoes for needy children. 

The shoes will be made out of shards of glass, but hey. They're shoes.

HOUSEKEEPING

1. My revisions are due tomorrow. I'm about halfway done. This will be very exciting. (Note: If your name is Kristin, and you live in New York, I'm totally kidding. I am all the way done. Nothing to see here.)

2. I'm flying out to New York on Wednesday. I can't wait! I get to meet my agent and my editor, and see my friend Sara Zarr speak at the National SCBWI conference. Anyone in the area? Anyone want to hang out?

So blogging may or may not happen on Wednesday. But I will for sure blog several times from New York! Wish me luck on the revisions. I'm still waiting for a visit from the revision fairy. I believe. I BELIEVE!

Revision Update: Third Time's the Charm? and a visit from the Diet Coke Fairy

Hey y'all.

So, I received my third revision letter (Or Help Edit and Learn Letter). Each HELL is becoming narrower in focus, and smaller in print, and this time around we will be looking at each paragraph... nay, even each sentence, to check for flow, consistency, and... some other stuff I can't think of at 8:00 a.m.

The Revision Letter:

I always read my revision letters through a soft-glow filter. It helps. 

Sometimes I use rose-colored glasses instead.

This revision comes down to 4 steps:

1. Comb the Draft

...looking for signs of weakness. Am I repeating words? Are the characters repeating actions? Is anyone flinching?

2. Ruminate on Possible Changes

Is there a fresh way to express what is happening? Is that passage even necessary to the book? Can it be fixed? Removed entirely?

3. Adjust Accordingly

Make the mandatory fixes. Trim the fat, where possible.

4. Proceed

... on to the next problem area.

Over the course of the next two weeks, I will be working on these four steps: Comb, Ruminate, Adjust, Proceed. Or CRAP.

As I am in the process of CRAP (CRAP-ing?), it is always good to have some essentials on hand, and Monday night I was lucky enough to get a visit from the Diet Coke fairy.

I opened my front door to find a 24-pack of bottled Diet Coke on my porch. 

I always knew that if I believed long enough, and hard enough, the Diet Coke Fairy would appear. It has been many years since I first heard the magical tinkle of the silver bells on the Diet Coke Fairy's sleigh. Decades.

My friends always told me I was silly to believe. But I can still hear those bells...

So, how is everyone else's January going? The good news is, when I'm finished with this round, January will almost be over! Yay!

My Thoughts after Pressing Send on my Revisions

A list inspired by finally turning in my revisions:

1. Sometimes I can't get my characters to shut up! It's wonderful!

2. Sometimes my characters give me the silent treatment, even though they know I'm facing a deadline.

3. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is break my manuscript up into chapters.

4. Sometimes the only thing harder is numbering those chapters in the correct sequential order.

5. Sometimes my characters do things they know are out of character.

6. Sometimes, because of #5, I talk myself in circles.

7. Sometimes, after the twentieth reading, my book bores me.

8. Sometimes, after a break, there will be one little chapter that I think won't put people to sleep.

9. Sometimes, even after I turn in the revision, I spend the next few hours kicking myself.

10. Sometimes, because of #9, even the most patient husband gets a little... peeved.

11. Sometimes, I still have to pinch myself to believe my book is actually going to be a book.

12. Sometimes, I want to pinch the people around me. For no reason.

13. Always, I'm grateful for blog readers who put up with my lists!

So, what's on your list today?

How this round of Revisions is like Slaying Newborn Bunnies... and not in the good way

You ever have one of those so-desperate-you-scrape-the-bottom-of-the-deoderant-stick-and-apply-the-crumbs-with-your-fingers-cuz-you-know-you'll-never-make-it-to-the-store-and-now-your-fingers-are-sweat-resistant-all-over-your-keyboard?

Yeah, I'm having one of those days too. 

First off, my revisions are due in two days (48 hours) and I hit a snag this morning. I don't want to spoil anything, so I'll use an example that will illustrate what I did.

(Btw, if your name is Kristin, and you're my editor, and you're reading my blog, disregard the above statement. Everything is fine. I'm embellishing the facts for the entertainment purposes of the blog. Nothing to see here. Don't you have something else to do? Hey! What's that over there?! Behind you!)

Okay, so imagine if my editor sent me a revision note saying:

"Hey! I think you should have some more scenes where your character drives a car!"

And so, I add a bunch of scenes toward the beginning of the book where my character drives a car. My editor was right. Brilliant suggestion.

But, then I'm reading through what I think will be the final version, and I reach the halfway point, to chapter 23, in which my character learns how to drive a car for the first time. And she's marvelling in the fact that she's never been able to drive a car before.

And I thought about all those scenes in chapters 6, 8, 12, 15, 22, where I had her driving a car, as if it was a totally normal thing to do. But apparently, she didn't have the ability to drive said car until chapter 23. 

Ack!! How stupid am I? (Don't answer that!) How did I forget that my character couldn't drive a car, and there was this pivotal scene where she finally is able to drive? 

That's like thinking your character is a boy, and then suddenly, halfway through the book, he looks down at his chest and exclaims, "I love this new bra!"

How could I not remember? 

For those writers out there, I know you'll understand it when I say adding a scene is an intricate process. Little details affect other little details, which then fall madly in love with other details, and those details make babies, and suddenly your book is littered with a million newborn bunnies you hadn't planned for.

Now, I have to go back and slay every little single bunny, so to speak. 

Okay, thanks for listening. And talking me down. I can do this. 

(Again, Kristin, the above is total fiction. It happened... to my... friend. It would suck to be her, wouldn't it?)

So, this ever happened to any of you?

Latest Conclusions about Revising, and Proof that the Revisions have gone to my Brain

Howdy y'all.

I'm neck-deep in working through my revision letter, or as I like to call it, my H-E-L-L. (Help Edit and Learn Letter).

The major conclusions I've reached from this round of revisions are as follows:

1. My high school boyfriend was right. I am a cold, frigid beeyatch who doesn't know how to express her (or her character's) feelings.

2. No matter how many "flinch"s you think you've deleted, your editor is sure to find 84 more.

3. I've tried, but there really is no appropriate time to insert a scene about loss of sphincter control. Looks like I'll have to wait for the next book.

So, before I dive back in, here is this week's Thing #1 and Thing #1

Thing #1

The other morning, as I'm still sleeping, Kid C comes rushing into my room.

Kid C: "Brodi, if you need me, I'll be brushing my teeth."

me (thinking I'm asleep, why would i need him?): "Okay great."

A few minutes later, he says, "If you need me, I'll be washing my hands."

me: "Fine."

A few minutes later: "If you need me, I'll be doing my hair."

Then I hear strange noises coming from the bathroom. I walk in and find he's plastered his hair with my conditioner that smells like apples. His entire head is covered in goo. And his carpool will be here any minute.

me: "What are you doing?!?!"

him: "Trying to make a mohawk. I have to look my best today."

So, I shoved his head under the sink, rinsed the gunk out, plastered his hair with hairspray and applied the blow dryer, and voila:

Kid C. Ready to impress his girl. Her name's Laurelyn, but he likes to call her "Love-a-lyn". 

Somebody help me.

Thing #1

I can tell revisions are getting to me, because Sam and I went to see a movie the other day, and as we walked out, we were checking the movie posters for upcoming shows we wanted to see.

I was all, "Ooooh. That one looks good." (pointing at one of the framed posters)

Sam: "Which one?"

me: "That one. With the zombie people. And the infection. That's so our type of show."

Sam gives me a really confused look. 

me: "Because we like zombie shows. And virus shows. And I think it's called Epidemic, but the title's hard to read... And... why are you looking at me like that?"

He points to the poster I was describing, and I take a closer look.

Whoops. Yeah, he didn't stop laughing for a long time. And then he took this picture, so I had to hurry and blog about it before he did a more embarrassing post on his own blog.

I know, I know. How could it be more embarrassing? 

Please tell me I'm not the only one who has moments like these.

Questions from the Question-Maker. Topic, Revisions

Remember a little over a month ago, when I decided to make Mondays official Question-Maker posts? And I was so proud of myself for making a weekly blog feature? And then I did it once, and promptly forgot?

Today is Redemption Day. 

Questions from the Question-Maker

QM: It's good to be back, finally. Of all the authors in all the bars in all the world, why'd I have to end up with this one?

me: Moving on.

QM: Okay, let's have a looksie. Hmmmm. Here we go. Topic is, revision letters. Do you really have your husband read the letter first?

me: Yes. Trust me, it softens the blow. Like jumping off a building and hitting a few branches on the way down to the ground... anything to lessen the impact with the cement. 

QM: Does your editor know you just likened her revision letters to having your bones shattered by diving head first into a slab of cement going at terminal velocity?

me: You're twisting my words.

QM: Hmmm... Do you ever think that your editor's revision letters mean she doesn't love your book?

me: It might be tempting to think that, but my editor sends me these letters because she loves the book. 

QM: Is that what you tell yourself?

me: Yes.

QM: What's the hardest part about this next round of revisions?

me: My editor wants me to up the romance factor, but I'm not very good at showing my character's true feelings. It all goes back to high school, where they guy I crushed on for three years never knew I existed, because the way I showed my feelings was to follow these two rules.

1. Never talk to him.

2. Never be in the same room as him.

You can probably see it wouldn't work in a novel, for the main love interests to never actually interact. Any advice for me?

QM: I've upped my romance factor, so up yours.

me: Hilarious. 

QM: When are your revisions due?

me: December 22nd. 

QM: So, we can expect the quality of your blog posts to... um... hit the crapper.

me: Hey! Watch the language.

QM: Moving on to the other question you've been getting, Brrrrrr... What's that chill in here? Oh yeah. It's your blog. Could it be any more sterile and cold?

me: Yes, it could.

QM: I mean, at the top, you have a big block of - what is that, ice? 

me: No, it's broken glass.

QM: And then the rest of it... tsk tsk. Did you find your decorating ideas in the Hospital Equipment Catalog? Better Homes and O-R's?

me: Look, I'm not a blog designer. My last blog design was making me feel claustrophobic, and slightly allergic, considering all the flowers. I had to get out because it was making me itch. Any advice?

QM: I've upped my meds, so...

me: Bite me.

So, blog readers, do you have any questions for me? I'm going to make a FAQ section of the blog, and contributions would be appreciated! Or, you can just tell me about any holiday shopping deals you've seen. Or, what you did over the weekend. Or anything. Open mic.

Second Revision Letter, Shorter than the First... And my Blog has a new Dress

Hey y'all.

So, I got my second revision letter. As you may recall, I turned in my revisions the Friday before Thanksgiving. That's less than a two-week turnaround, during a major holiday.

Wow.

The good thing is, my editor is really fast!

Yay!

The bad thing is, my editor is really fast .

Break's over.

And apparently she's a speed-typer, because you'd think with such a quick turnaround, the revision letter would be only a couple sentences long.

Um...

The letter itself is brilliant. I haven't actually read it yet. (I usually need about 24 hours to work up the nerves to read these letters. The process involves dressing in my gray sweats and running up the steps to the state capitol, at the top of which I throw a couple of fist pumps, and then sacrifice a goat). But Sam read it, and he gave me a rundown of the major points, which were all insightful and necessary. Dangit.  

I love having an editor who gets the book and is so enthusiastic about it, in spite of the fact that she's Captain McSpeedy Typerpants.  

For those of you who thought, "Her book's not coming out until winter 2012? That's like forever away!", it turns out we are on an accelerated schedule, just to make all of our deadlines. 

And really, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I hate the wait. I go a little nuts when I wait. Just look at what I did to my blog! 

*Ahem*... do you like it? My blog, I mean? 

I still have to flesh out the clicker tabs (I totally speak tech) and gussy up the top, but I'm happy to be rid of the flowers. Because, as Bree Despain pointed out to me yesterday, "Yeah, the flowers totally aren't you." I'm not sure how to take that.

Now, anyone know where I can purchase a goat?

My Revision's Greatest Hits, from Best Lines to Worst Google Searches

My revisions are in. They're in!

To celebrate, I'm going up to a condo in Midway for a writing retreat this weekend. And guess what I'm going to do on that retreat? 

ANYTHING BUT WRITE!

So, here's a rundown of the highlights from the revision:

Total words added: Um... 20,000. Please don't tell my editor. Pretty please.

Total times someone flinches in my book: 1

Total times someone spots a little from laughing too hard: 0 (still trying to work that one in)

Strangest Google search for revisions: "4 syllable names that start with P"

Second strangest Google search: "Different ways to describe the shape of a knife wound" 

(I think I was a little desperate on that one. The search turned up nothing of use. I finally had to use my own descriptive terms. I hate it when I have to write my own words.)

Third strangest Google search: "Does anyone want to write a slam-bang finish for my book? Anyone?"

(Okay, I didn't really search for that. But I wanted to.)

Favorite line from my book (today, at least): "There are no heroes. And if there were, I wouldn't be one of them."

Second favorite line from the book: "Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like a tea cozy."

Third favorite line: "They expected me to wear pants!"

Best part about revising: Friends bring you treats! 

Worst part about revising: The smell.

So, now I plan on relaxing for a moment. I'm going to Midway with my writers group, where cinnamon bears will be eaten and Diet Coke will be mainlined. 

What are all y'all's plans for this weekend? Anyone leaving town for Thanksgiving?

I'm Back from my Revision Retreat: And How Your Book is like a Big Pizza Pie

Hey Y'all. Happy Wednesday. 

I'm back! Thanks for making Sam feel so welcome on Monday. He's filled in on the blog three times now, and so far he's 3 for 3 on using the word "metrosexy". Because that's the mark of people who are metrosexy- they have to remind you a lot.

I think he's totally metrosexy, in a fluffy, squidgy kind of way. 

As Sam told you, I spent the last two days up in the mountains of Midway, UT, to do some revising. I took the trip because I was getting a little lost in my book - Alice down the rabbit hole kind of lost - so I decided to make a road map of it using post-it notes.

Presenting, your first look at EVERNEATH, post-it style:

On the tour of my book:

If you'll follow me please... The book starts in the upper-left hand corner, and goes down column by column. As you can see the notes are color-coded. 

Blue: Flash Backward

Green: Flash Sideways

Orange: MC (Main Character) eats a slice of Pizza

(Okay, one of these is not the true code)

The thing I like best about this method is that it's a snapshot of the balance and pacing in my book. Yes, my MC eats a lot of pizza.  Especially toward the end. And therein lies the rub (of special tomato sauce):

Readers are bound to get bored of the MC only eating pizza. They'll be all, "Hey! What happened to those cool little blue post-its? And I haven't seen a green one in ages. Flash me somewhere! Beam me up, Snotty!"

Imagine if the pizza delivery guy came, and all the toppings were piled on 3 slices. We'd never stand for it. We demand our toppings to be sprinkled evenly throughout!

Okay, to address the elephant in the room, does anyone have any spare pizza? Seriously. Apparently I'm starving.

With my book made up of post-it notes, it was easy to put all the notes together, shuffle them like a deck of cards, and divvy them out evenly. The book doesn't make sense anymore, but according to the color wheel, it's pleasing to the eyes.

The other thing I discovered while on retreat:

Bottles of Diet Coke are, on average, one or two fingers too big for a single serving. 

Somebody do something. There are people in the world who don't have access to Diet Coke, and here I am wasting two-fingers worth with every serving. 

It's okay, though. I pooled the leftovers, and I'm using it to plant a tree in Brooklyn.

So, what do you think of the book? And how are you NaNoWriMo-ers doing? And is anyone else craving pizza?

Friday Quickie: Parlez Vous Francais? Me Neither! and Revision by the Numbers

Hey y'all. We're exactly 2 weeks until Total Global Meltdown (i.e. revision deadline) and I'm warning you now my blog posts might be sporadic with a side of crazy.

Here's a little Revision By the Numbers:

Length of book before revisions: 65,000 words

Length of book as it stands today: 77,000 words. 

(Don't tell my editor I've added 12,000 words. I'll break it to her gently.)

Number of "that's" removed: 482

Number of "that's" added: 327

So, we're headed in the right direction.

Number of times a character flinches: From 579 down to 7.

Number of times a character cringes instead of flinches: 572

Number of times a character loses control of his bowels: ... 0

(Still trying to work that one in to a book)

Number of times my margin comments have started a "thumb war" with my editor's margin comments: 3

(It's okay, I told them to take it out back)

Number of hours I have to fix all the flinches, cringes, and bowel breakdowns: 336

So, I guess I should get going. But first, the news!

EVERNEATH  has gone postal. 

No, wait, scratch that. I mean Global. EVERNEATH has gone global! Parlez Vous Francais? I don't, but somebody out there does, and that somebody is going to bring my book to the French People!

Here's the announcement:

International rights: Children's

French rights to Brodi Ashton's EVERNEATH, to Milan, in a three-book deal, by Eliane Benisti at Eliane Benisti Agency on behalf of Lauren Abramo at Dystel & Goderich Literary Management. labramo@dystel.com

Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soir! Which means, a book for every child in France!

Now if I can get them to send me there on tour...

My Latest Revision Epiphanies (pronounced Epi-Fannies) and My Latest Failings on the Blog

It's Wednesday, yo. 16 days until my revision deadline. Don't remind me. Seriously, why'd you even bring it up? Stop Judging me!! Gah!!!

1. A week ago Monday, I created a weekly blog feature: Questions from the Question-Maker.

And then last Monday? Totally forgot. So I guess it's not a weekly feature yet. Looks like I'll need to tweak it a bit. Maybe I'll take the issue up with the little man behind the curtain of the blog. (He's sort of a cross between the Wizard of Oz and an Ooompa Loompa).

B. I was interviewed on the Working Writer's blog. Go check it out if you get a chance, and leave a comment if you feel so inclined. :)

i. The Latest Gems I've Learned from Revising

I'm really coming into the crunch time for my revisions, and I've noticed a few tics of mine that keep popping up. So I thought I'd share things I've learned here with you, in case any of you are in the middle of your own revision H-E-L-L. (Helping to Educate and Learn Letter)

1. Pay attention to your tics.

In the first book I ever wrote, my main character had a lot of breathing problems. Her chest would feel tight, her breath would get caught, she'd fight for air...

This time around, all of my characters flinch. A lot.

Someone looks at them funny, they flinch.

Someone says something mean, they flinch.

A gust of wind approaches, they flinch.

They find out the end of the world is near, they flinch.

My book is full of a bunch of people with nervous tics. Not that there's anything wrong with nervous tics. Some of my best friends (including me) have adorable nervous tics.

But when every single character is clocking in at about 20 flinches per second, it's bound to resemble a scene out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

The funny thing is, I never noticed the pattern until this last round of revision, and my editor politely made note of it. After she pointed it out, I flinched, and then I was all, "How did I not see this before? It's atrocious!"

So, here's the tip:

Fresh Eyes can Uncover Tics (Not to be confused with the insects who burrow under your skin)

2. The world in my head often doesn't make it onto the paper.

Someone once told me that if the reader has all the answers at the beginning, he won't want to keep reading.

I think I took this piece of advice to the extreme, to the point where I didn't even have a clue what was going on.

I now make a conscious effort to err on the side of giving too much information, and even then I have people demanding more. I get editorial notes like this*:

Fictional editor (not my editor): "Um, this section makes me think there's a key, somewhere, that will unlock the treasure."

And I'm all: "Duh, of course there's a key. It was hidden on the earth like a century ago, in a cave in the Andes mountains. That's like the crux of the book."

fictional editor: "Where is this information in the book?"

me: "Silly editor. That all happened before the book begins. I don't want to waste my time with backstory."

fictional editor (with a sigh): "So how is the reader supposed to know about it?"

me: "I'm beginning to see your point... I'd just hate to spoon-feed every detail to the reader."

fictional editor: "Then perhaps you'd rather just give the readers the title of the book, and tell them to figure out the story."

me: "Fine. I'll tell them there's a key. But I'm keeping mum on the dragon that lives below the school."

fictional editor: "Good, because this isn't a fantasy."

*The above conversation is completely made up. There is no key in my book. And of course there's no such thing as the Andes Mountain range.

So, here's my second tip:

It's Okay to Let the Reader in on the Story

Are any of you revising? What have you learned along the way?

Five Signs you have Revision Brain

Sorry I'm so late to the blog today. I've been arse-deep in revisions, and I realized I have a serious affliction. One that has no known cure.

No, there is not a tree growing in my lung like this guy:

Yes, that's a real x-ray. Yes, it's an understatement to say the knowledge that such a medical mishap can happen has affected me. Deeply. 

Luckily my condition is a more common one, known as Revision Brain. I'd like to enlighten you as to the condition.

Five Signs you have Revision Brain:

5. You can't think of anything for #5.

4. The smiley faces your editor places in the margins of your manuscript to let you know she likes something, go from looking like this:

to looking like this:

3. You snap at your hubby over the appearance of a tomato in the fridge.

me: "Where did this tomato come from?"

him: "I don't know."

me: "It wasn't in here this morning."

him: "Maybe I brought it home from work, when I brought home the sandwiches."

me: "Well, did you or didn't you?"

him: "I don't remember. Look, it's a perfectly good tomato. Just eat it if you want to."

me: "I would never eat a tomato of dubious origin."

him: "Fine. Throw it away. I don't care."

me: "What do you mean my edits suck?"

3. You wake up at random intervals during the middle of the night, and frantically write down a brilliant idea in the notebook you keep by your bedside, but in the morning, you read the notes and they say: 

Remember for Chapter 17!! : MC eats cheese in her underwear.

In trying to decipher the note, and uncover the brilliance you are sure is there, you ask yourself stupid questions, like, "Did I mean the MC wears underwear while eating cheese, or did I mean the MC eats cheese found in her underwear?"

*Rest easy, there are no scenes involving cheese and underwear in my book. I promise.

2. You're sure you could sooner climb Mount Everest than write a blog post.

And the number one sign you have revision brain: You re-read said blog post and realize you counted down from five wrong. 

What about y'all?

The Hardest Part of Revising so Far: Let's Discuss our FEELINGS! (and I'm Giving Away a Book)

Yay, it's Friday! I'm giving away an autographed book in exchange for your help. I'm talking to you. Yes, you.

I am arse-deep in revisions right now, and as I read through my editor's notes, I'm noticing a pattern in her margin-comments. See if you can spot it:

"How does Nikki feel about this?"

"What does Nikki feel at this point?"

"How does Nikki feel?"

"What are Nikki's feelings?"

And your final clue:

"Yeah, but how does she feel?"

Did you guess the theme?

I don't think my therapist has been doing his job, because each time I see one of these notes, I think, oh man. Talking about feelings again. I might as well be a girl.

  

Okay, I am a girl. But I've never been very good at expressing feelings. 

Sure, I've had feelings. But when that happens, I usually take two aspirins and go to bed, trusting that by the morning, they will be gone. 

So, here's where you come in. Please leave me a comment, and tell me how you feel about something. Anything. It can be an emotion:

ex: I felt angry

or it can be a physical reaction:

ex: The blood rushed to my cheeks.

I'll draw a name from the comments, and that person will win a signed copy of Kiersten White's PARANORMALCY.

What do you think? Can you help a girl out?

On your mark... Get set... EMOTE!

Revision Letters: The Unkindest Paper Cut of All

Good Monday, yon bloggerland.

This week, I received two wonderful surprises from my publisher.

The first has to be the coolest part about this whole book deal so far: 

 I named him "Box-O-Books"

A giant box of Harper Collins books! 

When I saw it, I have to admit I went a little weak in the knees, and my heart went all twitterpated, and before I knew it, I was breaking up with Sam in favor of this new Box-o-lover. 

Sam claimed there was room in our house for both him and Box-o-books, but I reminded him we only have a Queen-sized bed.

And sometimes, Box-o-books likes to spread out.

I wouldn't want to cramp Box-o-books' style. 

For a few days, I was on cloud 11, (the lesser-known cousin of cloud 9) and I wondered if there was anything that could bring me back down to earth. 

Then I got this:

 Revision Letter

Just like Box-o-books, Revision Letter (otherwise known as the Helping me Evaluate and Learn Letter, or H-E-L-L) likes to spread out. To a whopping ten pages, single spaced. Inside the letter were ideas on character development, world building, and possible theories as to Kennedy's assassination. 

(At least, I'm pretty sure I saw reference to a "Magic Bullet" somewhere deep in H-E-L-L, like on page 9).

I think I also found the Lindbergh baby in there. 

Anyway, with Box-o-books and H-E-L-L sharing a bed, Sam is definitely on the couch. I would take the couch, but part of the revision process is to let H-E-L-L marinate and sink in, and the best way to do that is to sleep with it. 

Oh, wait. My editor said sleep on it. 

Okay. But when I wake up with paper cuts, I'm suing.

How was all y'all's weekend?

I got to be the guest blogger on Nathan Bransford's blog on Saturday. Click here to read it.

And now...

*dives into H-E-L-L*

Revision Tip #4: Make your Main Character likable, unlike my 7-year-old

So, we're hitting that point in the summer when my 7-year-old Kid C becomes slightly more than annoying. He's bored, whiny, and extra literal. He's getting on my last nerve, which happens to be hanging by a thread, which is burning the candle at both ends. (Revision tip #5: watch the overuse of cliches).

Anywho, I took Kid C to see Despicable Me, and ever since he's been convinced he can be adopted into a funner family.

I don't know why this particular complaint- the one where his family isn't good enough- makes me want to drive nails up my arms. 

It all comes to a big whitehead when he says, "Maybe the Petty's will adopt me. They have a cousin named Michael, and I've always wanted a cousin named Michael."

me: "Well, who hasn't? Listen, why don't you head on over to the Petty's and see if they'll adopt you. Good luck."

So he starts walking over to their house, and I don't know what comes over me, but I yell, "If you're not part of this family, then you can't come back."

And he's all, "Great!"

Here's where I pull out the harshest indictment I can think of: "If you were the main character in a book I would NOT be rooting for you. I wouldn't get past page three! I wouldn't care what happened!"

He tilts his head and looks at me, and I realize he doesn't understand a word I've said, thank goodness, because I don't have extra money for therapy bills. 

(Kid C, with the world's largest shrimp. Seriously, where did he come from?)

Despite the context, what I said is totally true. My first book had a MC whom I thought was adorable. Turns out most of the agents I sent the ms to couldn't stand her at the start, and therefore didn't get very far in the ms. 

I had committed the offense of not putting any of her redeeming characteristics up front. And they need to be there, if not on page one, then certainly on page two. 

She doesn't need to go all Angelina-UN-Goodwill-Ambassador on the world or anything. Just something little the reader can cling to. Something that will make the reader root for her, despite her flaws, and her neuroses. 

Give the reader... something to cheer for. 

Keep likability in mind when it comes to revisions. You may love your MC, but it might take the reader a little while to warm up to her. Massage little nuggets of it into that script. Like this true life example:

Yesterday, Kid C learned how to make meatballs, so he decided to share his accomplishment with the world via a "Meatball Stand".

Meatballs for sale.

95 degrees outside.

3 for $1

6 for $2

We live on a very quiet street, and every time a car would round that corner, he'd be all, "Looks like we have our first customer!" and he'd get his little pen and notebook ready to take orders, and then he would mask his disappointment when car after car didn't stop to order Carter's Famous Meatballs. 

What do you think? Rooting for him now? 

I went from accusing him of trespassing each time he stepped on my property, to secretly bribing the neighbors to come and buy his meatballs.

That darn likability factor. 

I leave for L.A. tomorrow. Have I mentioned this before? I'll try to blog from the event.

Revision Tip #3: How Ready are You when it comes to Revising with an Agent? (Multiple Choice Quiz)

Hey y'all. So, this isn't exactly a revision tip, but it has to do with after the revision. I have prepared a multiple choice test for you, to see how ready you are to deal with an agent who gives you revision assignments. If you find yourself stumped, think "W-W-B-D: What Would Brodi Do" and then do something else. Anything else.

*Yes, these are real life examples

**Yes, Michael Bourret is a patient man/agent.

Before you've signed with an agent...

When your potential favorite agent schedules a phone call (you know... THE OFFER CALL),  you:

a. Answer the phone after the first ring

b. Answer the phone before it even rings

c. Don't answer the first time. Blow dry your hair instead. It's okay to play hard-to-get; Agents like that. They like to have to work hard to contact you. This lets the agent know you will be hard to contact in the future. (Which, as you'll read below, is totally true)

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you decide to accept said agent's offer, you:

a. Call him to let him know.

b. Send one email, thanking him for his offer, and accepting it.

c. Send two emails: one thanking him for his offer and accepting it, the next one freaking out that maybe he really wasn't offering you representation, and the OFFER CALL was really just a chat (because agents like to call writers, just to chat, even if they don't like your work) and you misunderstood the entire thing, and if that's the case, he should disregard the first email, because no matter what happens, you don't want to look stupid.

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When your revisions are due, you:

a. Send in the correct revised version

b. Ask for an extension

c. Send in the old version, tell him it's the revised version... and it's totally not okay because he's gonna re-read the entire thing because the most noticeable change comes at the end. So yeah, he wasted his time re-reading the exact same manuscript in its entirety before he realized, "hey, nothing's different."

Answer: A. or even B's okay. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you have to reschedule the revision phone call, because the agent has to have some extra time to read the actual revised version, you:

a. Set up a time convenient for both you and your agent.

b. Make sure your phone is charged.

c. Find the most remote island in the Pacific Northwest, where the hotelier looks at you like you're insane when you have the nerve to ask, "Do you get cell reception here?" and then promptly go to that island to await the call.

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you send an email to your agent, asking him to call you at your hotel instead of your cell phone (because it's totally believable you're the one person in the continental U.S. who can't get reception), you:

a. Call him instead, because that would be easiest.

b. Send him the number to the hotel, with your room number, and ask him to call you.

c. Send him the wrong number to the hotel, with no instructions how to reach your room, and ask him to figure it out. Because it's good form to test your agent's resourcefulness, and you always want to start out your phone calls with the agent saying these words: "In the future, if you have to give this hotel number to others, here's the correct number..."

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you're up late at night, and the self-doubt creeps in, you:

a. Discuss it with your significant other, because he/she can't leave you, because he/she knew what he/she was getting into when he/she got involved with you.

b. Take an extra sleeping pill, and tell yourself it's best to sleep on it. You'll have your wits about you in the morning.

c. Compose a crazy a** email that showcases your neuroses, because hey, you do your best writing at midnight. Address said email to your agent, with the subject line: "Aaaaaaaccccckkkkkk!"

You can probably guess which one I chose, prompting me to make myself one of these:

Six days without incident and counting...

So, how did y'all do on the quiz? At least you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that there's always someone out there who did it crazier than you. I, unfortunately, can take no such comfort.