My Deepest Wish, and a Fairly Accurate Portrait of Kid B

The other day, Kid B was asked to draw a self-portrait. Here's what he came up with:

I think it's pretty accurate. He does have a head. He most definitely has two feet. And sometimes he wears stripes. 

You might not think a kid could resemble the picture above, but I would argue that you haven't met my husband. His genes include: short legs, green feet, and no arms. (No offense to my in-laws!)

Speaking of awesome things, you have until Sunday to tweet a sentence using the words EVER, GLIMMER and SLIDE to enter to win a package of three ARCs: EVERNEATH by this girl, SLIDE by Jill Hathaway, and GLIMMER by Phoebe Kitanidis. Remember to include the hashtag #3arcs. Details here

So, I heard that on 11/11/11, at 11:11 (am or pm) you get to make a wish. I'm wishing for a better year for my boyfriend Rafa. And by boy, I mean man, and by friend I mean lover. 

What? You think I just wasted a wish? Fine. I wish for world peace too. 

What are you wishing for today? Be honest. This is for prosperity.

The Snarky Question-Maker gives an Introduction to my Blog

Hey y'all. How goes it?

I thought since we have a few new visitors (Hi! new people!) today could be an introduction post. So I've awakened that sleeping giant, the great Question-Maker (who lives in the void between rainbows and shooting stars) to interview me.

Question-Maker: yawn, stretch, crick. "Hey, every- whoa. A lotta new faces around here. What happened?"

me: "Well, dear Question-Maker-"

QM: "That's Mr. Question-Maker to you."

me: "But we've known each other for years! We should be on a first name basis. What do you call me?"

QM: "A nickname I only use on special occasions."

me: "What occasions?"

QM: "Right after you've left a room." snort

me: "..."

QM: "..."

me: "Okay, so we have some new faces I think because of the EVERNEATH cover reveal, and I think because of the ARC."

QM: "What's an ARC?"

me: "An Advanced Reader Copy of my book. I got them last week. Wanna see a pic?

The cover makes my hand look even uglier.

I love it so much."

QM: "You know the rule about loving your ARC?"

me: "No."

QM: "You can love your ARC, just don't love your ARC."

me: "I would never-"

QM: "That means no petting."

me: "Dang!"

QM: "So, for the new people around here (and I really don't know why they would want to spend time here)-"

me: "Stop with the asides!"

QM: "Sorry, that was supposed to be an internal aside. So, for the new people - and welcome, you smart people - tell us a little about your blog."

me: "Okay. I blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I blog about writing and books, but even more I blog about random stuff."

QM: "Like that time you got stuck in a bathroom on Venice Beach?" snicker snicker

me: "... and I blog about other things too."

QM: "Like that time you shouted 'belly boobs!' to an elevator full of strangers?"

me: "That was not my fault! ... It was the fault of the shirt I was wearing."

QM: "I think those are great examples about what you can expect on the blog."

me: "I also blog about this guy a lot:"

Rafa Nadal, celebrating right after he heard he would be featured on my blog.

"He's playing in the quarterfinals of Wimbledon today."

QM: "What's Wimbledon?"

me: "It's only like the most important tennis tournament in the world."

QM: "What's tennis?"

me: "Seriously, do you even read my blog?"

QM: "I thought you already knew the answer to that question."

me: "And... that's it for the Question Maker! Thank you for your help."

QM: "I'm not done yet-"

me: "Thanks so much for stopping by!"

QM: "But I still have more-"

me: "Have I described Rafa's hip dents to you lately?"

They are defined, and pointy.

QM: "You're right. Look at the time. See y'all next time!"

Okay, so that was the Question Maker! If you would like to run a question through the Question-Maker, and have me answer it, you can leave it in the comments.

And if you're new here, take a moment. Introduce yourself. We're very nice around here, and we only bite on special occasions. Like Tuesdays.

I'll even give you a question form you can use:
1. Name
2. A little bit about yourself
3. How would you describe Rafa's hip dents?

Revealing my Obsessions for New Followers... and I'm going to New York

Okay, I admit it. I forgot today was Wednesday. 

Here's the thing: I went to breakfast with some friends this morning, and I never go to breakfast on Wednesdays. It totally threw me off. 

I feel like that one lady in Emma- Miss Bates - when she gets a letter from Jane Fairfax on a Thursday, and she can't stop talking about it because Jane usually writes on a Tuesday, and today is Thursday, but yet she got a letter, even though it's Tuesday, and can you believe it?

I guess I'm a creature of habit. So, here are two things I'm working on:

1. Anyone in the Big Apple?

I'm leaving for New York City on Saturday, and I have nothing to wear. Not in the way that normal people have "nothing to wear", where they're skimming through clothes in their closet and thinking how old everything is.

I literally have nothing to wear. I went pantsless today, and it's wasn't pretty. And I'd hate to go naked in New York. I've heard the city is very progressive, but that might be pushing the envelope a little too far. 

Emily Wing Smith is giving a reading of her book, with a bunch of other authors on June 1st, somewhere in NYC, so if you're in the area and you want to meet up, you can come! I have no details yet, but I do know it's June 1st. I'll have deets on Friday.

2. Ohmyheck, I already forgot what number 2 was. 

Seriously! I remembered at the top of the post, but now, nothing. What is my problem? Answer me!!!

Let's see...

I went to breakfast. Did I mention how that threw my day off? 

Yes.

Hmmm...

I don't know. So, I'll go to my go-to subject when I'm at a loss. My undercover lover. And by "undercover" I mean "In my dreams" and by "lover" I mean I watch him on the telly a lot.

Yes, Rafa Nadal is number one, and he's playing in the French Open for the next couple of weeks. On ESPN 2 if you're interested. I have a lot of new followers lately, and now might be the time to warn you all that a third of my posts usually have something to do with Rafa.

Or his arms. 

Or his left ab, second from the top.

... and the hip dents.

But I only talk about him during the ATP tennis tour, which is only 11.5 months out of the year. 

Another third of my posts are about how much I love my agent, Michael Bourret. 

The final third is about my love of Diet Coke. Why does anyone read this blog? I suck.

Where was I? Oh great. Now I'm totally lost. Did I talk about my breakfast this morning?

Maybe I should trash this post and start fresh on Friday. 

Trash or Publish, Publish or Trash, Trash or-

My Date with Rafa (video included)... and Some Other Guys were there too.

Howdy y'all.

I'm back. I'm sunburned. And I saw Rafa perform his most famous move ever...

Yes, that is firsthand video of Rafa picking his wedgie, a feat he tackles before every single point.

I also saw him do some of this:

His unreturnable serve- A feat almost as difficult and intricate as the wedgie-pick. 

Yep. I was in tennis heaven. At one point Rafa and his teammate looked like they were in trouble, and so I pulled a move from one of my favorite movies The Natural, where the mysterious woman in white stands in the crowd and inspires Robert Redford out of his slump. 

Then they live happily ever after.

Glenn Close, willing her lover to do better.

The only problem was, I left my white hat in the car (true story) and my spare hat was camouflage. So I stood up and immediately blended in with my surroundings.

The mysterious woman in beige. Not the same effect.

It was okay. Rafa and the other guy eeked out the win. In an interview afterward, Rafa said he felt something magical from the crowd, but when he turned to look, he didn't see anyone. Stupid camouflage hat. 

I also surprised my parents with second-row tickets for their anniversary to see Roger Federer.

Federer, up close and hot. Also, hawt. 

Federer totally dominated his opponent. He took the first set 6-0, and was up 2-0 in the second set when the other guy (Chela) finally won a game. 

The crowd went nuts, trying to support the wounded underdog. Chela smiled and waved, and when the noise died down, he said loudly, "It's okay, Fed. Shake it off. You've got this." So funny.

Palm Springs by the Numbers:

Number on the thermometer: 90

Number of rows separating me from Federer: 2

Number on the sunscreen bottle: 70

Number of icy lemonades ingested: 42

Number of wedgie picks: 864 (862 from Rafa, 2 from me)

Number of times my mom told the people around us that they were sitting next to a soon-to-be-famous author: 1,748. 

Thanks, mom. 

I'll have more about the second half of our trip (Disneyland) on Wednesday, featuring standing in line behind Punky Brewster. For reals. No lie. 

So, how was all y'all's week? Sorry I couldn't blog. There are only two kinds of hotels that don't offer wi-fi: the really really expensive ones, and the really really cheap ones. Guess which one we were in?

And what do you think of Rafa's wedgie pick? 

Sitting in the Airport

So, I'm sitting in the airport, waiting for my flight to Palm Springs to board. Don't believe me?

Me. Trying not to look stupid while taking my own picture.

I'm not sure why someone wouldn't believe me, but I felt the picture was necessary. 


Here are some headlines I anticipate for this trip:


1. Brodi Spends half of Advance for front row seats to see Rafa do this:

2. Brodi and Rafa will become best friends, just like she always dreamed. (Seriously, she has this dream several nights a week. Nothing naughty, they're strictly platonic. They just have so much in common. She also likes to pick her wedgies.


3. Kid C picks a fight with all the Pirates of the Caribbean.


4. Kid B pukes on the plane. It's okay, Sam's flying with the kids separately. I'll be safely out of the splash zone.


5. Disney will overcharge us for the privilege of existing in the happiest place on earth.


Ope. We're boarding. Will blog later! 


Love you all. 


Bro

I'll Pack my Bags, and Keep my Eyes Fixed on the Sun

This weekend, I'll be packing.

Because next week, I'm going to be here:

Watching this guy:

Rafa and his bicep.

And these guys:

Roddick and Roger Federer

Do this:

And this:

Can you guess what I'm doing? 

Just kidding. It should be obvious. I'm going to Disneyland. But before I see Mickey, I'm meeting my parents, and my secret lover Rafa, down in Palm Springs for the BNP Paribas Open.

I'll be tweeting pictures live from the event, so if you want to follow along, you can find me here: http://twitter.com/Brodiashton.

I can't wait, because I love tennis, and I get to spend time with my dad. And I need to feel the sun shine on my face. Blogging will be sporadic, but if I have wi-fi, I will blog.

We're going to have an extra day in L.A. Anyone have any ideas on what we should see? The Grove? Some sort of famous chinese theater? I need ideas!

Thing #1 and Thing #1: The Australian Open, Sam's Birthday, And what a Rafa Slam really looks like

Howdy y'all! Happy Martin Luther King Day. 

How about a quick... Thing #1 and Thing #1!

1. The Australian Open started today. 

Well, technically it started on Monday, Australia time, which is really Sunday our time. 

We always laugh at their logo. Nobody, not even Rafa, can strike that pose. That shaded man is very bendy.

And that's why the Australian Open is so brilliant... you can see the future. 15 hours ahead. And it looks like this:

The future looks bright. And clean. And apparently designed by a twelve-year-old.

Amazing what we can do with 15 hours!

Rafa will be going for his fourth consecutive grand slam title, a feat that hasn't been accomplished... since... dinosaurs walked the planet. You can take my knowledge of tennis facts to the bank!... of the East River and throw it in.

Rafa. He's comin' to getcha!

Some people are all caught up in saying, "Well, technically it's not a Grand Slam since the wins are not all in the same calendar year... but we'll just call it a Rafa Slam... but don't anyone think it's a Grand Slam."

I respond to these people by throwing bran muffins at their heads. When I hear "Rafa Slam", I picture this:

The Rafa Slam. I'm hungry!

By the way, Rafa doesn't care what anyone calls it. He lets the talking heads talk their heads off while he goes out and dominates the world of tennis.

So yeah, probably most of my posts will go from Revision-centered to Rafa-centered. And if this surprises you, you are probably a very new reader to the blog. Welcome! Don't be scared.

2. It's Sam's birthday today. 

This morning, the kids came into our bedroom and as usual demanded their breakfast rightnowican'twaiti'mdyingofstarvation. Sam didn't budge. For, like, 15 minutes. I was like, "Hello? What's going on here?"

That was my first clue he was feeling a little entitled.

So, let us all raise a pop tart, and toast my main squeeze. (Not Rafa). Happy Birthday Sam! May your days be filled with happiness, and your donuts be filled with jelly!

Feel free to wish him happy birthday in the comments! At the end of the day, I will put all the wishes together in a song, and sing it to him.

So, anyone else going to be watching the Aussie Open?

Cosmic Good Fortune... and My Plan to get in on that Action

Hey!

So, the top story is...

Rafa won the U.S. Open!

Talk about being surrounded by good cosmic energy. He's got the stuff in abundance.

Me on the other hand? 

I was washing my face the other night, when one of my not-very-long fingernails nicked the tip of my nose in just the perfect way to slice it open. Now, I have this unsightly gash that will gush blood if a butterfly in Tokyo flaps its wings just right, as this chaos theory graph shows.

This week, of all weeks, I need more cosmic justice than ever before. Instead, I'm picking off my facial features one by one with my own fingernail.

I'm all for creating my own luck. After all, it's not pure luck that Rafa landed where he is. But sometimes, even after all the hard work, you need a little cosmic ooomph. 

Maybe all y'all are feeling the same way right now, so here's what I propose. And if we do it right, my entire bloggerville will be shrouded in a blanket of Providence. (the luck, not the city)

Steps to capture Rafa's Good Fortune:

1. If all of my blog readers will kindly cross your fingers. (Left and right hands)

2. Next cross your toes with the toes of the person on your left. (I will personally cross my toes with Rafa's, thus completing the energy loop). 

3. Everyone spontaneously start singing: "People all over the world... Join hands... Start the Love Drain... Love Drain." 

It's okay if you're at work, or reading this on your iphone on a commuter train, or whatever. Go ahead and belt it out... Wait. Hold up. I am just getting news (from Sam standing behind me) that the correct words are "Love Train" not "Love Drain". Even better.

4. And for the final step, if someone could get David Archuleta to sing a special rendition of "All we are saying... is give peace a chance!" 

Bonus: Does anyone have a personal connection to Kofi Annan? Or perhaps Nelson Mandela?

Those guys can make anything happen. Anyone?

Thanks for all y'all's constant support! And I wish you all good fortune too.

How I Put My Pants On, and How I'm made up of Two Parts Lazy.

Happy Monday Y'all! 

Today is an exciting day for many reasons, not the least of which is the Men's finals match at the U.S. Open, starring Novac Djokovic and my boyfriend, Rafa. 

Rafa has never won the U.S. Open. It's so exciting. It's on CBS at 4:00 EST.

Our question of the day comes from Debbie:

Q: Do you, honestly, put on your pants one leg at a time?

Excellent question Debbie. The answer is, I don't use my legs at all. I dive head first into my pants, and then because I have a double-jointed pinkie finger, I'm able to finagle the pants down my body, to where they rest comfortably below my love handles.

Thank you for asking!

Thing #1*

I was walking through the kitchen this morning, when I tripped over Sam's backpack. (The one that rides in the baby seat of his bike.)

It was a pretty good stumble, but I recovered and continued on. Sam watched the whole thing with a curious expression.

Sam (laughing): "I can't believe you just tripped over that, and then left it there."

me: "It's your backpack."

Sam: "Yeah, but you just tripped over it! You'd leave it there for someone else to trip over?"

me: "No, you originally left it there for someone to trip over. If you want people to stop tripping, move it. Otherwise, I have to assume there's a reason it's in the middle of the floor, and all of these injuries will be on your head."

He looked at me like he couldn't believe how stubborn one wife could be. But it's not a matter of being stubborn. I think it's more 2 parts Lazy (because let's be honest, I could've moved it), and 1 part Clueless. Okay, and just a dash of Stubborn.

Clueless in the same way as when I see a toddler in the middle of the road, and I think, "Huh. A toddler in the street. Someone obviously wanted it that way. Somebody's obviously okay with what is happening."

I've spent years re-training my brain to do something about it, and now I can happily say that when I see a toddler in the street, it only takes me a few minutes to come to the conclusion I should do something about it.

So what about y'all? Would you have moved the backpack? Or would you expect Sam to move it, and apologize? Or, if you don't want to weigh in, how was your weekend? 


*This was not the original blog, but I wanted to send Sam a message. Zing!

The Latest Cause I Have Chosen to Support... And Ask me Anything!

Hey Y'all. 

I thought it'd be fun to answer some of your questions at the top of some of the blogs. Feel free to ask me anything! It can be about writing, querying, revising, Rafa, pancreatic cancer, holes in hearts, my deodorant preference... anything. And if I don't know the answer, I'll find someone who does.

So anytime you want to participate, leave a question in the comments section, and I'll collect them.

I'll start with a question from my neighbor:

QUESTION ONE

Neighbor: Why do you always use the word "y'all"? You're not southern.

Well, neighbor, it's simple. I have a deep and abiding love for the Southern plural possessive. 

Example of plural possessive in action: "What are all y'all's plans for the weekend?"

I first heard the Southern plural possessive when I met my friend Raina (Ethel) from Louisiana, and it's been true love ever since. 

ON TO THE BLOG

My brother-in-law recently commented on the number of wristbands out there, proclaiming the latest cause. 

It's gone from this:

...to Autism Awareness to "I Heart Boobies" (breast cancer awareness)

We totally want in on that action. In picking our cause, we discussed many options:

RAISE AWARENESS OF RAFA'S CALF MUSCLES

(His arms get all the attention)

CURE EXCESSIVE SALIVA PRODUCTION IN CANINES

However, eventually we decided on a cause that is near and dear to our hearts, and affects more people per year than constipation. 

How many of us have had Ugly touch our lives? Are you ugly, or do you know someone who is?

Now, this was not inspired by anyone in particular, especially not the man I saw the other day outside of the grocery store. Or that one baby who obliterated the old adage "All babies are beautiful."  

There are no screening tests for Ugly. There are no risk factors (although there is something to be said for heredity). Ugly can hit anywhere, anytime. 

As a side note, if Ugly hits you unexpectedly, and it's an emergency, it's okay to call 9-1-1. 

Let us take a note out of Spain's book. That country has obviously found the answer to Ugly, judging by their men's Davis Cup Tennis team. 

(Spain's Tennis Elite: laughing at how handsome they are)

Remember: There are no ugly people. Only Ugly faces. And bodies. 

We'll discuss how to recognize the symptoms of Ugly on Friday. 

So, how was all y'all's holiday weekend? Do you have any questions for me? Do you have any causes you'd like to highlight? Do you have any personal stories involving Ugly?

Winner of Beautiful Creatures... and Men's Tennis (i.e. Beautiful Creatures) *sigh*

And the winner (according to Random.org) of the signed copy of BEAUTIFUL CREATURES is... comment #8. 

Sara B. Larson

Sara- Email me your address at brosam (at) gmail (dot) com.

We had a great discussion about endings on Friday. I have to admit I learned a lot, and I'm gonna steal all of your ideas for my book. I think y'all could teach a class on the art of the ending. (You probably wouldn't resort to a bra analogy like some people...)

With your ideas in mind, I've been taking my new ending for a test drive, and so far there has been no chafing or irritation. Hopefully I've found one that will last.

I have to give a shout out to my tennis playing boyfriend for winning the Madrid Open. 

And by "boy" I mean Rafa Nadal, and by "friend" I mean lover.

He recently trademarked his sneer, so don't try to copy it.

Rafa beat his main rival, Roger Federer, who's also a tall drink of water. But Rafa rocks the clay court, and when his knees aren't on the fritz, he's unstoppable.  He puts so much junk on his forehand, it's the dirtiest spin in tennis. (No, these are not euphemisms.)

To all of you new blog followers: Yes, I feel it is my duty to educate about the hotness that is Men's tennis right now.

I keep having this dream that Rafa and I are best friends. Like no one in the world gets us better than the other. Every time I wake up, I'm like, "I can't believe we're not best friends!" 

Tell me the truth, is that above paragraph rule #1 on the checklist to becoming a full-fledged stalker?

Okay, I'm off to revise. Now that I have an ending, I guess I need a middle, and then word on the street is that I'll need a beginning too. 

Wish me luck. What are y'all up to this week?

Win a Signed Copy of The Dark Divine, My Favorite Writing Conference, and the Rafa-Agent Ted Connection

I'm giving away a signed copy of Bree Despain's THE DARK DIVINE today! All you need to do is comment, and answer a question. Find out at the bottom.

1. WIFYR Conference

One of the best writing conferences I've ever been to was the Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers down at BYU.

This year, the conference will be held June 14-18, but the location has changed (it's in Sandy) and registration is now up. Click here to register.

The lineup of faculty is illustrious, including BFF Emily Wing Smith teaching the beginning/intermediate writing class.

If you are writing a novel, or thinking about writing one, I would recommend her class with all my heart. (I happen to know many of the classes are filling up fast, and seating for the workshops is limited.)

I also know of several people who have found their agents and publishers at the conference.

2. Rafa and Ted: They're like twins

The Australian Open started this week, and y'all know what that means...

Tis the season for this:

...this too:

(Rafa, laughing hysterically)

But last week I found out about one of the downsides to blogging about Rafa too much. (There aren't that many downsides, so I was surprised I found even one).

Bree Despain and I were trying to find a picture of our agent "Ted" and so we put his full name in quotes and then Google-Imaged him. And up popped this:

(Rafa. Not Agent Ted.)

Updated: Real pic of Ted

I thought, "That's weird. When I type in my agent's name, I get my absolute favorite tennis player in the world and my (not so) secret crush." What are the chances?

And I suddenly had this sinking feeling, could this be something I caused? Have I somehow, in the far reaches of the interweb universe, connected the two? Talk about unprofessional behavior on my part.

Then I looked at the web site that popped up with the picture. It was Bree Despain's. Ha ha. Totally not my fault. Bree Despain has linked Rafa to agent Ted.

Best. Day. Ever.

And personally, I think both Rafa and Agent Ted would be honored.

3. So, to enter the contest:

Leave a comment and tell me anything embarrassing or inappropriate you've done over the internet. Comments that had you up at night? Pictures meant for someone's eyes only? Sent your agent a tiny microscopic version of your manuscript?

If you are one of the lucky few who has done nothing embarrassing on the internet, you can leave a comment about Rafa.

As long as the comment is not: "Rafa is a poser", because my brother in-law said that yesterday at lunch. And he hasn't been seen since.

The Mysterious Brigham Tortilla, and Rafa Crashes and Burns

Mocha Man Meets Untimely End...
Rafa's triumphant return came to a bone-crunching halt yesterday. Juan Martine "I love my tall, Gladiatorial body" del Potro handed Rafa his bum on a platter. (To use tennis terminology).

RIP Rafa 6-2, 6-2, 6-2

Thank you for your kind words at this time, everyone. (Except Cam). Rafa, always a class act, smiled afterward and graciously agreed to a post-loss interview.

Speaking of class acts, Serena Williams lost her temper at one of the line judges. Because she let the "F" word fly, she was automatically docked one point. Only problem was, that point happened to be match point. Sorta anticlimactic.

And for moms everywhere, the highlight of the tournament was when Kim Clijsters won the Women's championship. She left the tour two years ago when she had her baby. She had to get into the US Open with a wild card. Last night she won the whole taco. I remember my bod post-baby. I had to be carried around everywhere by the jaws of life. Seriously, large cruise ships docked on my thighs.

Lunch with Brigham Tortilla
Kid C is just like me. He has a serious problem remembering people’s names. Only he’s much more creative about it.

The other day, he comes home from school and tells me he had lunch with his older cousin Abram. I asked him who Abram was sitting with.

Kid C: “Um… Brigham.”

Me (I know most of Abram’s friends): “Brigham? Brigham who?”

Kid C: “Brigham Tortilla. You don’t know him.”

Me: “Abram’s friend is named ‘Brigham Tortilla’?”

Kid C: “Yeah.”

I racked my brain, trying to remember Abram’s friend’s name.

Finally, Me: “Do you mean Finn?”

Kid C: “Yeah. Finn.”

Finn. Brigham Tortilla. Hard not to confuse the two. Also, when I ask who he plays with at recess, he says: “Um… Shanden, Planden and Franden.”

I guess they’re triplets?

Heck, I used to tell my mom I had lunch with Winkin, Blinkin and Nod. I didn’t have many real friends.

FBF winners:

Free Book Friday winners will always be announced on Wednesdays.

So, what are y'all doing this week? Anything fun? I plan on working out again, unless the shin cancer explodes again.