When Sam used to complain about the flight, I'd to say things to him like: "You should consider yourself lucky. 36 hours, all to yourself, no pressure to exercise, no screaming kids. It's like the perfect way to spend 36 hours, while I'm at home taking care of the kids. By myself."
Wanna know what I think now?I was totally right! Once we were on Singapore airlines, it was like a party in the sky. Of course, that may have been because of the... um... anti-anxiety medications I took. I won't tell you the exact name of the pill, but it rhymes with "shmalium."
I thought it would be safer for everyone concerned if I took shmalium, as opposed to me doing one of the following: 1. Spontaneously combusting 2. Shaking uncontrollably 3. Jumping out the window
My favorite thing said to me on the trip so far:(Spoken by the Pakistani-American guy from L.A. who was going home to visit family):
"Isn't it cool? Within a mere few hours, you leave the safest country in the world and arrive at the most dangerous." He also mentioned how Pakistan gets a raw deal in the media, and I believe he is right.
He also was traveling with an American friend who had never been to Pakistan. The friend decided to grow a beard before the trip to better blend in. So bearing that in mind, I have decided that the entire time I'm here, I'm not shaving. Not even my sideburns. In no time, I will blend right in as well.
Upon exiting the airport, we found ourselves among a throng of hundreds of Pakistani's, many (if not most) in traditional garb. I felt very very blond. I didn't get a chance to take pictures, because the last thing I wanted to do is look very very blond and look like a tourist too. So I will get pics today and tomorrow to post.
I woke up this morning to Sam asking me this question: "Holy cow, Bro. Do you wanna see the awesomest toenail ever?"
Packing for Pakistan status: Yeah, I'm blogging instead. I'll make it short.
White Trash status: Alive and kickin'.
I walked out my front door yesterday to find this in our porch garden.
So, what are y’all planting in your gardens?
I can’t wait to see how this bulb turns out.
A few items of note (I'm not angry): 1. The outdoor garbage can is only ten steps further. 2. Yes, this is the main porch, where any visitors stand and wait for us to open the door. Admiring the view. 3. Really, Sam, do I need a number three? How about this: even tossing it behind the garden box would take the same amount of work.
HEY SMOKY HATAH'S For those of you who think my hairless cat Smoky is the spawn of Satan... I still don't see it.
I'll try to blog Wednesday. Here's a fun thought: I leave today, and arrive in Pakistan Wednesday night.
Announcing the winner of the autographed copy of Sydney Salter’s My Big Nose and Other Natural disasters…
Kim Woodruff! Please email me your address so I can mail you your book.
Thank you to everyone who provided a question for Sydney. More contests coming up.
AND THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH MATCHES
The other night I was lighting our gas fireplace with one of those long matches. When I struck the match, the head popped off and flew down my shirt, nestling snugly in my cleavage. This makes it sound like I was showing a lot of cleavage, which of course I was not. The match head flew with that perfect one-in-a-million trajectory to land there.
I always seem to beat the odds when it involves personal injury.
You know how there’s that moment, just after striking a match, when the head ignites and it sounds all sizzly?Yeah, so that happened. In my cleavage.
I was screaming, and running around our living room, clawing at my shirt, yelling, “It burns! It burns!”
And Sam had the nerve to laugh.
So I took another match, shoved it down his cleavage, and dared him to light it.
CONFRONTING THE OTHER WOMEN IN SAM’S LIFE
I’m finally going to meet Sam’s other women. He has hundreds of them, and the rumor is they’re a bunch of cows.
Yep, I’m going to Pakistan on Monday. (Did I mention Sam builds dairies in Pakistan?) I’m leaving Monday, which means I’ll actually arrive in Pakistan sometime next year.
I think it's 36 hours by plane, so I plan on having Sam club me over the head just after takeoff.
I’ve been doing my research, and I hear it’s the new vacay spot for flashy celebrities, so I’m bringing my flowered mu-mu and my camera, in case I run into the Jolie-Pitts trying to steal some kids.
But I also plan on laying low - it is, after all, Pakistan - so I’m bringing my trenchcoat to wear over my mu-mu. A cowboy hat will top off the ensemble. And my parasol made out of the American flag.
Hopefully, my outbreak of “spontaneous awkward-hug-itis” will have run its course by then. I’ve heard rumors of some sort of cultural divide between our two nations.
I will definitely blog from what is literally the other side of the world. Wish me luck! Or as they say in Pakistan, “Auf Wiedersehen, suckahs!”
If you’re wondering where I got my cultural savvy, it was from the Internetz of course.
Farewell to Tuesday Posts status: So, as you may have noticed, no Tuesday dork side post yesterday. I am officially a M, W, F poster. Or Mawaf, as we like to be called.
But I paid the price. Blog reader Michael J could only make it through one paragraph of my Edwardastic post Monday before he started gagging. So this post is Edward-lite, with a side of geek.
THE GEEK SMACKDOWN HEARD ROUND THE WORLD
Probably most of you know Star Trek is being re-born in theaters soon.
My sis and bro-in-law are fans. They fell in love over the episode "The Carbonite Maneuver".I mean, how could you not?
So I told my sis and bro-in-law: "Aren't you excited for the movie? Star Trek will finally be cool!"
Well, considering the rampage that followed, you'd have thought I said, "Hey everyone, I love to bite the heads off of doves! What do you think?"
To make up for it, enjoy this scene of Captain Kirk fighting an alien. No, I did not slow the video down. Yes, it really is that lame.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR AN AWKWARD HUG? The Today Show did a segment on how hugs are the new handshake.
It was like watching something out of the third dimension. I really don’t like hugging. I need my personal space.
I know it sounds reasonable enough, but I really really really mean it when I say I really really need my personal space.
It’s why I don’t wear my wedding ring; the darn thing was hugging my finger, cutting off my circulation, and mouth-breathing in my face. (Honey, that doesn’t mean I don’t love the ring. Just sayin’.)
But seriously, this is my dance space. That is your dance space. Stay on your own side, Mr. spaghetti arms! (Can anyone name the movie?)
Back to the story. If hugs are the new handshake, I’m going to have to bring to fruition my lifelong dream of living as a cheerful shut-in.
But here’s the problem: Ever since I saw the segment on the Today Show, I haven’t been able to stop hugging people. Anyone and everyone. Neighbors. Teachers. Tennis coaches. Passers-by. The mailman. My life-size cutout of Rafa.
This week at Albertson’s I leapt over the check out counter to hug the store clerk who merely asked, “Did you find everything okay?”
My tennis coach Mike said I sure can run down a lob. I blushed and then tackled the guy.
If you’re just lookin for a little touch, come on over. Or, better yet, merely walk down my street. My "hug-dar" will detect you, and I'll be right there.
Housekeeping: Using my formula of algorithms, biogenetics and a hairless cat, WE HAVE A WEEEEENER
Algorithms: I put all your comments from last week into a hat.
Biogenetics: Researchers engineered a hairless sphinx cat whose sole purpose in life is to draw names from a hat. (I know. He's not happy about it either.)
Smoky the Hairless cat: picked a name.
The winner: Emily Ott Your signed copy of Laurie Halse Anderson's book Speak is on its way.
Wanna win another signed book? Today is the last day to enter a question for Sydney Salter (author of My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters). Everyone who contributes a question (in the comments section) gets entered in a drawing to win a signed copy.
Okay, on with the post. MY HUNKY MAILBOX SURPRISE
The search for Edward is over. He was hiding in my mailbox.
It’s true. I spent the day writing at Barnes and Noble, and when I got home, I found Edward had left me secret love messages in my mailbox.
No, these are not Valentines hearts. I scoff at the thought.
These are Forbidden Fruits. Did you hear that? Forbidden Fruits.
He then drew a self-portrait because, of course, he doesn’t show up on film. Edward is such an artist!
The messages are cryptic, yet easy to decode.
LIVE 4 EVER = Live forever
I HEART EC = I love Eating Candy (Edward knows me so well)
BITE ME = No, really, please bite me. Again.
There’s even a secret scent, which you have to rub to reveal. I didn’t get a chance, because I couldn’t find Edward anywhere, and I so desperately wanted to rub him!
I rubbed Sam when he got home, but all that revealed was the faint smell of donut.
Printed on the box were “Secrets of the night”, including Edward’s full name (Edward Anthony Mason Cullen), his birthday, and perhaps the most passionate secret of all: Both Bella and Edward are juniors at Forks High School.
I have just one question: Who is this Bella chick? And does anyone know where she lives?I promise I'm not gonna hurt her...
I stepped into the Twilight and opened the forbidden fruit.
It tasted like a mix of partially dehydrogenated pepto bismal, and my son’s sidewalk chalk.
I can see why it’s forbidden. Apparently they didn’t account for the possibility that people would actually eat the stuff.
Thanks to Dorien and Grace for the mailbox surprise!
Last Day of the Competition status: Um, yeah, it's the last day to be entered in the drawing for the autographed copy of Laurie Halse Anderson's book Speak.
I've procured our first author interview. She is Sydney Salter, and her book My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters hit shelves just last month.
Here's the blurb from Amazon:
"It’s the end of junior year, and summer is about to begin. The Summer of Passion, to be exact, when Jory Michaels plans to explore all the possibilities of the future--and, with any luck, score a boyfriend in the process. But Jory has a problem. A big problem. A curvy, honking, bumpy, problem in the form of her Super Schnozz, the one thing standing between Jory and happiness. And now, with the Summer of Passion stretched before her like an open road, she's determined for Super Schnozz to disappear. Jory takes a job delivering wedding cakes to save up for a nose job at the end of the summer; she even keeps a book filled with magazine cutouts of perfect noses to show the doctor. But nothing is ever easy for accident-prone Jory--and before she knows it, her Summer of Passion falls apart faster than the delivery van she crashes. In her hilarious and heartbreaking debut novel, Sydney Salter delivers a story about broadening your horizons, accepting yourself, and finding love right under your nose."
I think it sounds like a lot of fun! My copy's coming in the mail, and I plan on reading it before our interview. Join me if you'd like, and we'll make it a full-blown book club.
Please send along any questions you might have for Sydney. They can be about anything writing related, so you don't have to be familiar with her book. (How she came up with the story, how she got published, etc.)
Just to make it extra fun, the first three commenters who give me good questions (you know what I mean, they can't be "what's your dog's name" or "cubs or white sox" or anything like that) will win a copy of her book!
Any subsequent questioners will be put in a drawing to win an autographed copy of her book! (Providing I can get one before the interview. If not, it will be a regular copy.)
Most of you are familiar with my evil plan to single-handedly sustain the Young Adult publishing world, right? Mwah-ha-ha. Ha. Bankruptcy now, world domination soon.
NUMBER 12
So, I stopped the "25 things about me" tag at number eleven, because I couldn't think of anything else. My cousin asked me what the rest are, and I promised her that over the course of the next decade, I will complete the list.Here's number 12.
12. I love, love, love, getting the gas at the dentist. I actually look forward to it. In fact, if I'm in the middle of a stressful moment of life, I daydream about getting gassed. If I'm impatient, waiting for revisions for instance, I want to get gassed just to pass the time.
So, last night, when we were watching Chuck, this scene cracked me up. (Courtesy of NBC.com).
Chuck was pretending to be a doctor, operating on a known terrorist, and when his cover was blown, another terrorist attacked him. And then the nitrous oxide was released into the air. Enjoy the scene below.
I especially love the part where the guy slashes the knife back and forth, laughing, saying : "I was going to cut you, like this!"
If you've never watched Chuck, give it a chance. You can watch the full episode here.
I'm loving this question and answer thing. Why did I never do this before?
Okay, so in the comments section yesterday, we had some very good suggestions about what readers want more of in Young Adult fiction. (The next Harry Potter was my favorite- I'll get right on that, Erin.)
There was also a request for books in a similar vein as Ann Cannon's LOSER'S GUIDE TO LIFE AND LOVE. Since y'all are such a well-read bunch, I'm asking you to weigh in on this.
Several comments requested a more varied vocabulary. Let's challenge those readers! Make them look in a dictionary once in a while. I admit to using the word "abscond" in my book. I had to look it up.
So, you are getting more questions today. Let's see if we can get every single lurker to make an appearance. (In addition to you regular commenters, of course).
You may choose to answer one, all, or none.
1. Do you like me? I jest, of course. But I want to know what you look for in a blog. What keeps you reading? Checking in every day? What would you like to see more of? Because, I'm here to make you happy.
2. I plan on interviewing authors on my blog. What questions would you ask a published author?
3. Cubs or White Socks? Seriously, I'm doing research for my next project. Bear cubs or my dirty white tennis socks?
4. What's on your mind? What shows are you watching? What books have you read recently that you love?
5. I want to write a good ghost story. Anyone know any ghosts personally?
6. Do you like the Animaniacs as much as I do?
7. Will you still read my blog if I cut out the Tuesday post, and just do Monday, Wednesday, Friday?
Let's cut the questions off at an even seven.
SPEAKING OF VOCABULARY: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." - Mark Twain
This is one of my favorite quotes. It's true for books, but it's even more pronounced in lyrics. Lyricists amaze me, because each word carries so much weight. So when lyrics are bad, they are really really bad.
I am a product of the 80's, and here are the lyrics to the chorus of one of my favorite songs growing up. They make me laugh now.
"East is east, west is west Two diff'rent colors on the map We say break the line, chew the fat a keep moving out into the gap"
What does that even mean?
Some more examples of lyrics from popular artists: "I love you like A fat kid loves cake"
Yeah, that line is how Sam got me to marry him. "I don't like cities But I like New York Other places Make me feel like a dork"
I'm with you on the dork part.
"Coast to coast L.A. to Chicago"
Which coast would Chicago be on?
"I wish it was Sunday That's my fun day My I-don't-have-to-run day"
I got nothin'.
So when you find a lyric master, it's beautiful. My lyric sensei is Paul Simon. Every word is lightning. Below, I present my all time favorite line. (Train in the Distance).
"The thought that life could be better Is woven indelibly Into our hearts And our brains"
And the lyrics to "Something so Right". You've got the cool water When the fever runs high You've got the look of lovelight in your eyes And I was in crazy motion 'Til you calmed me down It took a little time But you calmed me down
When something goes wrong I'm the first to admit it I'm the first to admit it And the last one to know
Chorus: when something goes right Well it's likely to lose me, mm It's apt to confuse me It's such an unusual sight Oh, I can't, I can't get used to something so right Something so right
They've got a wall in China It's a thousand miles long To keep out the foreigners they made it strong And I've got a wall around me That you can't even see It took a little time To get next to me
Chorus
Some people never say the words "I love you" It's not their style to be so bold Some people never say the words "I love you" But like a child they're longing to be told, mm
Chorus
Seriously good stuff. And now, while you ponder our discussion questions, enjoy this video from other talented lyricists, the Animaniacs.
