My New Series on Writing Advice... and... a Puppy!

Hey y'all.

So my break from blogging turned out to be a really really big break from blogging. But I had a good excuse. I was getting my nails done. 

Not to go all poetic on your bums, but I can't help it: My intended break was but a drop, my actual break was an ocean. My intended break was a grain of sand, my actual break was the beach. My intended break was the color red, my actual break was the number 42. (Okay, by now, I'm not even following along).

The previous paragraph might make you think, "Why would I ever take writing advice from the author of that odious passage?"

To which I answer, "Aren't you impressed I used the phrase 'odious passage?'" Without even googling "phrases only erudite people say"?

I feel that I might be losing you. So, I will randomly insert a picture of my new cute puppy. She fell asleep while eating my shoe. 

There. Do I have your attention again? Excellent. So, onto the writing advice series. Every writing advice series needs an introductory video. So, here is the introductory video. It is only 30 seconds long, but it will tell you everything you need to know about my writing advice series. And... it might just save your life.   

I am also going to update my books page and appearances page. Because I'm pretty sure I've had a third book come out. And I'm pretty sure I have a couple of more announcements to make regarding forthcoming books. 

So... what have y'all been up to this past year? Any news to celebrate? Any annoying people in your life to curse? My favorite way to get back at people is to make a voodoo doll of the offender, and then, while the doll is asleep, stick the doll's hand in a bowl of warm water. I will be happy to help any of you to do that. 

The Placenta that Never Died

Hey Y'all. How's the week going?

1. I don't kill puppies on my blog

Let's just get this out of the way right now... Puppies will never die on my blog. Spiders may die, plants that grow through walls may die, but newborn puppies will never die. Not on my blog. Not on my watch.

Wherever there's injustice to puppies, you'll find me.
Wherever puppies are suffering, I'll be there.
Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find... The Three Amigos. (Why would I go somewhere where liberty is threatened?)

2. Do you want a little parental leverage for Christmas?

My friend developed this iPhone app called SantaMessage2U. You can record messages to your kids, and the app will distort your voice to sound like Santa.

I like to record messages like: "Ho Ho Ho. Hey kid C, Santa is watching you. No, seriously, I'm outside your window every night, watching you. Ho... ho... ho..."

3. The Placenta that Never Died

After sis-in-law M gave birth to twins, the hospital took her placenta to test whether or not the twins were identical.

They never got back to her, so she had the twins' DNA tested to confirm what anyone with two working eyes could figure out: niece E and niece E are indeed identical.

About a year later, a friend who worked in the hospital told sis-in-law M that some hospital employees were going through the fridge at work, and they were all, "Who in the world is Marnie Jorgensen, and what is her placenta doing here?" (I changed M's name to protect the placenta.)

Yep. Her placenta was just hangin' out in the fridge for a year. And I'll tell you now, placenta doesn't keep that long.

This post brought to you by the commenter who pointed out I haven't blogged about bodily functions in a while.

4. Starting Friday, I'm going to be posting about book choices for Christmas Presents, so start thinking about your favorite books you've read this year.

5. You wanna know who gets forgotten at Christmas? Teens in the Foster program. This year, instead of buying presents for my family, I'm donating to Very Merry Teen Foster Christmas.

Don't tell my family, though. I still want them to think they have to buy me presents.

Check it out, if you get a chance. It really is so much easier than shopping. And it's one of those things your family can't say 'no' to.

For instance: "Hey Bob, I was thinking we should forgo presents to each other this year, and instead provide Christmas for Foster Teens. What do you think?"

What can Bob say? Bob: "No way."

"Bob, why do you hate teens? Why?"

6. So, what do your families do for Christmas? Anything like this?