Friday, May 8, 2009

Yo Diggity, I quit Caffeine.


So, we have the winners of the De-Lurking contest. Congrats to Kent (of the naked-graduation-speech daydream. My personal favorite part- "Happy for the attention, uncomfortable in the breeze"). And to Jessica (of the "friend of a cousin, so practically family" variety).

Now for the signed copy of James Dashner's The 13th Reality contest:
If you have brought a recent follower to my blog, could you send me a reminder? Or leave it in the comments? And if you've sent me an email, and I haven't responded, it probably went to my spam folder. I don't know why. I answer emails, so if you didn't get an answer, resend it.

Ugh. That above paragraph was totally boring and repetitive. I know, I'm falling asleep too. Maybe I'll spice it up a bit before I hit "Publish Post." Of course, if the preceding sentence makes it, then that means I failed to spice it up.

Sheesh- I'm only four paragraphs in, and I've probably lost all my new followers. Sorry. I vow, from this moment forward, because I owe it to you, and because you have come to have certain expectations of this blog, I will never, ever, ever... umm... lose my train of thought. Ever again.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Shaking my head at the computer screen, thinking this is like the worst post ever. Did I mention I quit caffeine this week? I'm using the patch. Isn't it amazing that it hasn't affected my blogging whatsoever? Why is my keyboard shaking?

Side Effects of quitting caffeine so far:

1. My head hurts.
2. The sun is evil.
2. Non-caffeine induced migraines are just as bad as the caffeine induced ones.
3. I'm full of rage, but I'm too tired to do anything about it.

Okay, time for the actual real post to begin.

Probably because I quit caffeine.

1. Hubby goes around, mumbling under his breath, "Yo Diggity, yo diggity, yo diggity."

Now, if you've ever seen my husband, you know there's no one whiter, or less hip. (It's okay, because those were the two things on my "must-have list" when I was looking for a man. #1 Pale. #2 Awkward.)

But if he says "yo diggity" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna blog about it. Sam, consider this your fair warning. One more time, and it's out there, on the Internetz, for everyone to read.

2. Every time I try to say the word "version" it always comes out "virgin". It's now to the point where I don't even know which one is correct anymore.

Like when I'm discussing my latest book's first and second drafts, I'll say, "Oh, I took that part out. That was in a previous. . . [pause to make sure I get the word right]. . . virgin." Extra emphasis on what I think is the correct word.

Conversely, when someone says something like, "Windows version 2.0," I give a little giggle, like he said a naughty word. (All you tech-heads out there, don't you dare correct me that such a Windows version doesn't even exist.)

3. When I Google my name (everyone does that, right?) these references inevitably come up:

Sphere | Illegal sex acts throughout the United States | UWIRE ...
4 days ago ago from Brodi Ashton. When Sam first started going over to Pakistan, I was very jealous to say the least. To him, it was all part of the job. ...

Everything about bladder lift surgery - Yahoo! Glue
Brodi Ashton: Bladder Enhancements. me: "How did you fix it?" W: "I had a bladder lift." I know what you're thinking, but she's completely serious! ...

Flatulance - Wellsphere
Feb 24, 2009 ... Brodi Ashton: BRAIN FLATULANCE... - 58k - Cached - Similar pages -

So, I guess my blog posts offer great insight on Prostitution, Bladders and Farts (sorry, readers, for the crass word. Perhaps "Freddies" would be better. Or "Toots". Or, as my mother used to call them, "bunny burps". Yes, it messed me up as a child.)


Coming up on Monday, the answers to our blog's first author interview. (Those of you new to the blog, we came up with questions to ask an author).

Sydney Salter, author of My Big Nose and Other Natural Disasters, has answered all of our burning questions. I will post the answers on Monday's blog. Unless she reads this post, and decides she'd rather not be associated.

Enjoy your weekend. Anyone got any special plans? I'm off to see that new Trek movie Saturday night. Sam's making me go. I so don't care about seeing it. Oh well. I'd do anything for that non-hip little white man.

Live long and prosper.

Since it's Friday, enjoy the famous line from Snakes on a Plane: the TV edit. See if you can catch the M*** F*** substitutions. Awesome.


  1. First - Have I tought you nothing about caffeine? Why put yourself through that when I give you until Memorial day to cave and start drinking again!!

    Second - whatever Sam is making you go do Star lie. Just like Ben forced me to go see Twilight 12 times, Spider Monkey. BTW - I was in Tennessee this week in the area where they filmed most of Twilight - the foresty stuff at least. It was beautiful there. I pulled out my Blackberry and made out with the screen saver pic!

    Third - I don't remember my point. I better go crack open an ice cold Diet Pepsi just this side of slush...

  2. Cam- I am laughing hysterically at your comment. Maybe it's withdrawal.

    first- Have you no faith in me? Doesn't the old saying go, "102nd times the charm?"

    second- Ben is such a Twihard. (Can you send me the cool pic?)

    third- "just this side of slush". You are evil.

  3. Awesome clip. If I didn't know he was cursing, I might believe he was actually talking about "monkey fighting" snakes on his "Monday to Friday" plane.

    "Fart" is such an indelicate word...and, since my husband grew up with 4 brothers, it worms its way into our family conversations FAR more often than is kosher. Of course, they do exchange it for "bum horn" when the kids are around, so I guess that's something. I had a friend who would call them "barking spiders." Or, she (yes, it was a female) would pretend to juggle, and, at the exact moment of "release" would pretend to drop one of her pretend balls.

    I'm afraid now that I'm following your blog you'll never get rid of me.

  4. Oh, Brodi, all I can ask is WHY? I cannot function without caffeine. I cannot believe that anyone can function well without it? Do we need an intervention?

    Sadly, when hubby married me, he must have had as his top two requirements; pale and anti-hip. =)
    (but if I'm a regular here, aren't I then by definition - hip?)

    Instead of Farts, my husband's family will say, "Did someone step on a duck?" Ever since the Aflac commercials, we now respond to the question with, "Aflac." *shakes head* Yes...I know...

  5. Jessica- that is so weird! My husband calls them "barking spiders" too. Where did that come from?

    My favorite: "bum horn". I'll have to teach that one to my boys.

  6. Una- lol! Aflac. I think I could do an entire post on what people call them.

    And I think that's the first time someone has used the word "hip" in reference to my blog. Wow. Thanks.

    As for the caffeine, I don't know why I put myself through this. I try it about twice a year. Perhaps I do need an intervention, so I can stop hurting myself.

  7. Oh I can't wait to see the answers from Sydney. I loved the book and have told all my friends about it.

    Good luck with the caffeine withdrawals. I'll send you some of my new cranberry love stuff if you're into that (it's the powder you pour into water) but I know not everyone loves cranberrys like me.

    Love the google search results. You'll have to do an entire post of just frilly fancy funny words just to attract that search engine love.

    My weekend plans. I'm walking in the "Race for the Cure" on Saturday. Excited to participate, yet I think I'm crazy since I'm not a big fan of crowds and there should be about 17000 people there. Yikes!

  8. Deb- yes, please send me some cranberry love. I'll try anything.

    And good luck at race for the cure. I hate crowds too, but man do I hate cancer more. Kick cancer's butt for me.

  9. a staple phrase in the Eastley household (growing up, not present day) was... drum roll.... POOEY BOMBS...
    Say it a couple times out loud. It's fairly classic.

    I'm starting white club with Sam. He can mutter "yo diggity", and I'll follow up with "what's the dealio". We can live together when you and Sherri throw us out.

  10. Kent- You are da Pooey Bomb!

    That club sounds great. I'll bring the shnizzle, Sherri can bring the hizzy.

    Then we'll play charades. Slammin!

  11. First rule of White Club: don't talk about White Club...

  12. Kent- lol. Man, you shoulda de-lurked long ago.

  13. WHY in the world would you give up the caffeine?? (shaking MY head!)

  14. Evil? That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me. (sniff, sniff). I do have faith in you...I just know that the dark cola mother will have you suckling at its aspartamine tit eventually, as it does to all of us.

    As for my make out material...get your own!!! Just teasing. See my April post entitled "Edward swoon...Edward WTH".

  15. Dorien- okay, I caved this afternoon. I picked the wrong week to quit caffeine. And smoking.

    Cam- When you said "made out with the screen saver pic" I thought you meant like you stole it or something.

    Like "I made out with a fortune!" So when you said "Get your own make out material," I was all, "Whah?"

    Now I'm totally laughing.

  16. Just to clear up any confusion by Brodi's decision to slander me--I am very hip. Extremely hip. I ooze hipness. My lawyers will be contacting your lawyers and lets just say that we expect a retraction by the 10th of May.


    Sam "so hip he might as well be a hippie" J.

  17. Sam- That "hipness" you ooze? I think you got a little on your chin.