Monday, October 26, 2009

Answers to the Mysterious Blood, and the Best Way to Deal With Writer's Block

Happy Monday Y'all.

1. Pool of Blood Update:
I think some of you were under the impression that the pool of blood from last friday's post was a mere few drops. I should've put a ruler next to the picture, because the entire spatter was probably a foot long. I did some checking in at the police station for what could've possibly happened. According to police reports, some sort of mystical being - whom eye-witnesses say was dressed all in white with white feathery objects sticking out of its back - spontaneously bled out right on that spot.

At the same time, 9-1-1 was flooded with phone calls about a canine with watery eyes and a whimper that would break your heart.

So, I guess it is true: Every time a puppy cries, an angel dies.

(Is that a real saying, or did I just make that up?)
Ha ha. I'll be here all night. Did I tell you the one about where the Priest, the Rabbi, and the Pope walk into a bar? And the horse says, "Why the long face?"

2. My weekend:

The writer peeps and I went to the Costco in Lehi for a book signing. Author Becca Fitzpatrick was there, signing copies of her debut YA novel "hush, hush". Dark, creepy, paranormal romance. (You hear that, Cam?) I can't wait to read it.

There's a chance a couple of copies will make their way into the Free Book Friday pile this week...

Afterward, we were hangin' in the parking lot, chatting. Read that as: I was trying to push my cart to my car, but Bree Despain was blocking the aisle so I couldn't move.

You see, Bree is sorta, kinda, just the tiniest bit... freakin' nuts. She's got a deadline approaching for her sequel, and simple words like "and" and "the" just aren't coming to her.

Valynne and I were giving her a pep talk in the parking lot. I tried to be quietly encouraging, but it wasn't working.

So, out of nowhere, I shout: "Gimme me 25 pages by next Saturday, or I'll break your legs!"

She gave me a hopeful look: "Really? You would do that for me?"

Me: "Yeah. I totally know a guy."

Bree: "I don't know if I can do it."

Me: "If you don't, I have a powerful blog, and I know how to use it. I'll spread lies."

Bree: "You would never."

Me (shouting in a parking lot near Provo, site of the BYU Cougars, just before their homecoming football game, packed with snack-buyers): "Bree hates B-Y-U! She thinks Cougars are Pansies!"

Her: "Shhhhh


Understand that there was a guy wandering the parking lot, selling hot tamales out of a plastic zip-lock bag. I didn't realize that when I yelled this, he was right behind us. So, Mr. Tamale Guy, I apologize. No offense to tamales. I am a friend of the tamales.

But I was serious about invoking the power of the blog. Bree needs to know that we are a formidable blog, and we follow through on our threats. Because she was all, "Your blog readers don't have the guts!" And then we threw down right then and there.

So, I thought it would be nice if y'all went over to her blog and left her a cryptic comment. Something along the lines of, "I'm watching you..." or "I know a tamale guy..." If you do, you'll be automatically entered in the FBF drawing this week. (But leave me a comment and let me know you if you did, so I'll know which commenters were from me.)

BTW, I upped the demand to 45 pages from Bree by one week from today. For bad behavior.

3. I thought shaving kits were fool-proof.

So, I've been cutting the kids' hair. Yesterday, Sam's all, "Cut my hair."

I'm like, "I don't think that's such a good idea. Remember last time? the infamous 'bald patch of 09'?"

He says, "Cut my hair. I demand it."

Last time I cut it, the sides were a little long. I didn't know they had those nifty slanted left/right ear attachments until after I cut it. So this time, I used the attachments. Here's the result. Why is guy hair so hard to cut? And why is Sam so stubborn when I suggest he fill it in with a black sharpie for a couple of days?


  1. oh i have tears coming out of my eyes! that haircut is bitchin!

  2. Shell- For some reason, I keep thinking of the 80's when I look at it. Sam says I was going along with the razor, and then I got bored and stopped.

  3. i think you should go back and add some more detail... like a lightning bolt

  4. Or a message that says, "I'm with Stupid."

  5. Egads Bro, I had no idea what it really looked like till I saw that pic. Shell is right, that is totally bitchin'. You better watch out because the ladies in the neighborhood are going to go crazy for me with that rockin' metrosexy haircut. Thanks!

  6. Sam- anytime, babe. I'll make you look like a new wave street pimp anytime.

  7. Easily fixable. Just shave it all off and suggest he goes as an Army Sargent to the Halloween party. Just be sure that if you give him a haircut again, you wait until next Halloween, just in case.

    Seriously though that pool of blood looks hairy to me.

    Oh and I stopped by Bree's blog.

  8. I have not read the whole entry yet, but I must point out that your cute little graphic with the ruler and the worm?

    So. Not. To. Scale. How will your readers ever understand the true size of the blood?

  9. Debbie- Thanks for the tip. One shaved head, coming up. Oh, and you're entered.

    Emily- There, I fixed it. Tell me if it's better now.

  10. Okay, so shave a swear into his hair and see what happens. Please?

    If I can't leave a comment on Bree's blog (bc I never can), will you still enter me in the contest if I send her a threatening email?

    Something along the lines of "I will put my hands all over your neck, mwah ha ha." And she will know it's me and be very afraid. And write like a mad woman.

    That should count for two entries, bonus for creativity.

  11. Emily- You are definitely entered in the contest. Perhaps I'll just cut and paste your threat, and put it in a comment for Bree, and tell her it's from you. Will that work?

  12. SWEEEEET!!! My favorite kind of books. I'm on it like Blue Bonnet. Over the weekend I read Lauren Hendersons "Kiss Me, Kill Me" and "Kisses and Lies". Very cute books, I enjoyed them a lot.

    PS - you should just send Sam to Ben's little friend Elizabeth...he threatens to go there everytime I screw up his hair...and I'm licensed so I can only imagine the state of Sam's, LOL!!!

  13. Cam- I'll have to check out those books. I sent him to Elizabeth once, but he came home too sexy. Two kids later, I vowed to never send him to Elizabeth again.

  14. I was at Becca Fitzpatrick's signing too. Unfortunately(?) I didn't get to hear the excitement that happened afterward. And I apparently missed the Tamale man. Dang.

  15. Melissa- The key to seeing the Tamale Man is to find a random car in the Costco parking lot, and stand by it for about twenty minutes. The Tamale Man will magically appear. I promise.

    If he doesn't, turn around in place three times, and then click your heels.

    Hope to catch you at the next author signing!

  16. I can relate to the haircut...or I should say Dave can. After I cut his hair the length of peach fuzz, he quickly commented that he looked like cotton swab without the tip. I took it as a compliment but he, however, now goes to Great Clips.

    And as far as following through on threats...I'm the queen of this game. So here goes my threat to Bree: Finish the pages because if you don't, I have several poopy diapers and I know how to use them...(How was that for threatening?)

  17. The fill in with a sharpie comment? You were kidding, right? My dad used to do that regularly. Really. Only it might have been crayon. He claims.

  18. Erin- Excellent threat. Although it might work better if you put it on Bree's blog. Just sayin'.

    Elena- Your dad used the Sharpie? Then will you please tell Sam that it can totally work? Maybe he'll believe me if it comes from you.

    Marianne- They really are hot. For my next trick, I'm going to peg Sam's pants.

  19. My hubby could NEVER talk me into cutting his hair. It's not something I would ever do, you are a very brave woman Brodi!

    Also, I threw down the gauntlet at Bree's blog (your blog commentators have guts, in fact, we analyze blood patterns), hopefully she finds it funny (hopefully it came across) or you might have her emailing you about scary blog followers.

    Oh, do we get extra points for humor?

  20. Una- I loved your comment over at Bree's blog! Definitely the perfect blend of threat and humor, with a small side of crazy. Thanks for your support!

  21. My pleasure Brodi! Let me know if you need a repeat performance. Bree is great and it's nice to be able to help (or are we hindering?!?!?)

    What happens when Bree comes over here and reads all these comments from us?!

    What type of thrown down fights do authors have? Especially YA authors!?!?

  22. Una- Bree will be very pleased by how dedicated we are to threatening her.

    When YA authors "throw down", we usually hurl unnecessary adverbs at each other. Especially the destructive -ly kinds; they're the Chinese Stars of adverbs.

  23. Yeah, so I totally threatened Bree. I think she's going to totally run scared because of my connections.

    I think you got the saying mixed up. It's, Every time an angel dies, a puppy cries. That sounded funnier in my head. Now, I just think it's stupid and I have no comedic skills.

    I love Sam's new style. You just need to do the other side and he can totally go back in time to the 80s!

  24. I've done my best to threaten Bree.

  25. Jenni- Everything sounds funnier in my head. For the record, you were very funny.

    Leisha- Thank you for your support. It's all for a good cause... to break Bree's legs!

  26. Sam's haircut is definitely metrosexy. Lol, and I commented on Bree Despains blog for ya!

  27. sam, i think i need to return your book today to get a better look at the hair (i picked up a sharpie for you at Target).

    and, um, brodi....thanks for a good laugh this AM at your hubby's expense!

    no wonder i couldn't drive down your street last night--there were cars parked all over and women racing towards your house trying to just be CLOSER to sam!

  28. okay, I left an evil comment on Bree's blog. I refrained from saying "just kidding please don't hate me!" because that really took the edge off of it. But that's what I wanted to say. heh.

  29. Lulabell- I loved your threat, although I wish you hadn't told Bree to give me a taste of my own medicine. :)

    Dorien- The line to pet Sam's hair went around the block. It was crazy.

    Alysa- Thanks for not sugar-coating your threat. Threats are much more effective with the stingers left in them. :)

  30. Yes Dorien, it was crazy last night and a bit inappropriate to have all those ladies doing the touchy feel-y thing with my hair.

    I did end up having Brodi shave into my head: "Hott!" Lets just say--it was probably overkill, because people knew I was hott! just by looking at me.

  31. Dear Brodi-

    Thank you for sending so many commentators over to my blog to threaten/encourage me. It is very helpful.

    However, I think you need a challenge of your own, Miss I've Been Working On A Draft Of My Current Novel For Almost A Year!

    You've got 2 weeks from today to send me a finished draft of BROKEN or will tell the tamale man where you live and give him your credit card number for a lifetime supply of tamales and/or chimichungas.

    Here that commentors? The throw down has officially started. Everyone tell Brodi to get to work!

    Hop to it, Sistah!

  32. I don't know, a year's worth of chimichangas?!?! That could be worth it...

    Bree - were any of the titles helpful? Oh, and how many pages have you completed...45 yet? *music starts playing* remember we are watching you!

    Brodi - if the author "thrown-down" requires adverbs, Bree is lacking in her threat...

    (oh this is too much fun!)

  33. Are you overcompensating, or do you really like tamales?

  34. Bree- It is on! Like Flan! (The proper pronunciation of "flon" rather than "fl-aa-n", or else it doesn't rhyme.) I thought it appropriate since the theme of this whole thing seems to be "The Great Chimichunga Challenge of '09".

    I accept your challenge, and raise you this threat: I bet I know more shady characters who break kneecaps than you.


    Una- Bree's so good, I don't think she knows any adverbs. And I could definitely go for a year's worth of chimi's, if someone else is paying...

    Valynne- Yes I'm overcompensating. No, I don't like Tamales. But I have many friends who do like Tamales. My own mother eats them all the time, and every time she does, I'm always like, "Oh, that looks sooooo gooooood."

  35. You can do it Brodi!! Finish Broken! Also, I commented on Bree's Blog for you.

  36. Wow! I never knew that writers had their own intimidation department. I left a fear-inspiring comment on Bree's blog as well. Good luck with the Broken challenge!

  37. Becky- I loved your threat. "Tamale sauce". Classic.

    Everyone- thank you for your well-wishes on my Broken challenge, although I must point out that I asked Bree for a mere 45 pages, and she demanded an entire book in return...

    Bree- my next demands will not be so wimpy!

  38. Hey, you've been writing your book for MONTHS, my dear. I just started (granted, for like the 5th time) last week. It's really, truly, definitely, suddenly, amazingly (those are adverbs right?) time for you to finish that belatedly, quizzically, awesomely awesome book of yours.

    Do it now!! I have family from New Zealand, and they are really big. Like break you in half BIG, sistah.

    And I don't have anything against tamales or chimichungas, I just prefer to know where they were made, and if the maker is in possession of a food-handlers permit. That's all I'm saying.

    Hey do you think they make chimis with non-flour tortillas? Because then we could celebrate with a chimi feast at the end of this.

    Una- I cannot disclose how many pages I have written so far since Brodi will probably hunt me down with those non-gluten-free tamales. But my deadline isn't until Monday. I can still make it . . . I hope.

  39. I think you can make it Bree, but the question is whether or not Brodi beats you there! She might finish her book before yours!

    Go Brodi!!

    Gluten-free chimis sound good too, will you guys share when you find them?

  40. Bree- I'm sure the Tamale Guy had a food handler's permit. Just as I'm sure he had a gluten-free menu in his pocket, just for people like you.

    Una- I think you have too much faith in me. But better too much than too little! I hope you're right.

  41. I was sent over here by Bree's challenge to you to finish 'Broken'! I have faith that everyone will accomplish what they're meant to make, so if this challenge was made for you then you have nothing to worry about!

    I wish I was at a Becca Fitzpatrick signing, I would do anything to get her name on my Hush Hush copy !

  42. Mimi- thanks for the encouraging words.