Monday, October 5, 2009

Clowns and Zombies, to Brighten any Monday

Happy Monday Y'all.

My kids have the day off of school. Again. Using my trusty tweezers, turkey baster and paperclip, I plan on going all MacGyver on their bums by escaping my house on a zipline that will take me directly to the Magic Kingdom.

Or maybe we'll just go to McDonald's.

1. I received plenty of books for my birthday, and gift cards to B&N. But these two books made me laugh because of how the givers made their decisions.

Emily Wing Smith gave me "Little Brother". She knew it was for me, because one of the blurbs says it's "a rousing tale of techno-geek rebellion."

Sis-in-law E gave me "Z.E.O. A Zombie's Guide to Getting A(Head) in Business". She said it was between that and "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."

I guess I'm easily characterized. Brodi Ashton. Zombie Geek.

2. I never scream during movies.

But last Friday, Sam and I went to see a zombie movie. Yes, there were plenty of zombie surprises of the sort where the main character closes the mirror and the zombie's face pops up. None of those moments scared me enough to elicit a scream.

I didn't scream until something even scarier popped up in the bathroom: a clown. Underneath the stall door. I screamed bloody murder, and everyone in the theater had a good laugh at my expense. (It was a zombie flick, so I'm guessing 95% of the room were adolescent to middle aged males. The other 5% were me.)

I know it's almost become cliche to joke about how clowns are scary, especially to those of us traumatized as children by Stephen King's "IT" clown. But I really do think clowns are about the creepiest things around.

And when they're not creepy, they're sad.

A couple weeks ago, we went to a friend's work party. It was supposed to be kid-friendly, but whoever was in charge obviously had never met any kids, because they hired a clown. A poor, sad, neon-haired Hobo (Hobo homeless, not hobo spider) clown. He could frown even through his painted on smile.

His face art included tears, I think mostly to blend in with the real ones.

I had to bribe Kid C to go up and pet the duck.

Recently, blog friends Cath and Grace, on separate occasions, mentioned the quote from Ralph Waldo Emmerson: "Always do what you are afraid to do."

A good piece of advice. But I can't help answering in my head, "Guess it's time for me to go date a clown."

3. Wanna party?
James Dashner is inviting everyone to the launch party for his book The Maze Runner. If you are near Salt Lake City, go to The King's English tomorrow (Tuesday) at 5:00 p.m. James thinks that because of the time, no one's going to go. So let's show him that at 5 on a Tuesday in Salt Lake City, there's really nothing better going on.

If you go, be sure to find me and say hi.


  1. Let me just say--it was an impressive scream along with 10 fingernails into my arm. What is even better was 5 minutes later when you yelled again...but you hurriedly whispered to me 'That scream wasn't for that scene, it is still just built up from that crazy clown earlier.' That frakkin' clown is delivering the frights even after he is gone.

    Tuesday evening at 5pm sounds great, but my wife has something that night and I will be home with the kids.

  2. I missed Friday, but I wanted to say, thank you for the laugh! I love your recaps on events, Brodi! You should take minutes of meetings professionally, they'd be way more fun to read!

    I have to agree, the "It" clown is the scariest thing in the world. Plus about 50% of kids are afraid of clowns while the other just think they are stupid. =) I should know, I used to dress up as a clown or mime and do parties. *hangs head in shame*. I have a friend petrified of clowns, he has a shirt that says, "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me."

  3. Sam- That's too bad you have to babysit Tuesday night. You'll be missed.

    Una- You were really a clown? That is so cool. I don't know anyone who's been a clown. You should be bragging about it!

    Also, I want that t-shirt.

  4. Will you please rescue me after you make your bad-a escape? I think we have all had enough together time at our house.
    Michael was so proud when I was reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It was like he could finally relate to something I was enjoying. He told many people; and only a few weeks ago (which is also a couple months past when I finished the book) he came to me and said "You didn't tell me there where ninjas too!" Guys.

  5. My brother-in-law is scared of clowns too. He likes to send me spider things as gifts, so I send him clown things. It's fun, other than receiving the spider things.

    Both of those books sound awesome! I may have to check them out. I love zombie movies, but I've never read a zombie book.

    I wish I could go to the James Dashner event, but I don't get off of work until 5:00 and I don't work in SLC. Sad. Tell him hi for me, even though he doesn't know who me is.

  6. Keersten- Guys are totally predictable, aren't they? And I think I can construct the zipline to stop at your house first, so pack your bags.

    Jenni- I will squeeze James' cheek, and tell him it's from you.

  7. lol

    Clowns are beyond all creepy.

    Got my book in the mail today!! Thanks!!!

  8. Have you seen this video? (It's not scary, I promise). I totally horrified my overtired 2 year old when he saw me laughing at it over my shoulder last week.

  9. PS I might be able to go tomorrow. You'd recognize me as the woman chasing the toddler up and down the stairs inside the bookstore for 1/2 hour.

  10. Britt- Glad you finally got it. Thanks for waiting!

    Infant- That video is so so funny. Thanks for the link. I know how it is to chase toddlers through bookstores (every time I see one, I chase him) but be sure to say hi if you get a chance!

  11. I think what makes clowns/mimes look so creepy is that the white face make-up makes one's teeth completely yellow which is uber creepy!

    Brodi - I should be proud that I was trained to terrorize children? Well, I am good at face painting and making balloon animals...last time I did it, I refused to wear the clown get up and wouldn't you know, more kids wanted their faces painted and balloon animals!

  12. Hi. This is Brie (Debbie's friend from the Olive Garden lunch). I found your blog through Debbie's and thought I would say hi and ask you about those copyright & trademark lawyer connections of yours. When you have a chance will you e-mail me at Thanks for the help.

  13. Good luck with the MacGyver stuff. I dont know if I could escape even if I had sensible tools.

  14. Una- Hey. Terrorizing children is hard work. I think children are afraid of anyone in a costume. My kids won't even touch the whole Santa Claus thing.

    Brie- yep!

    debbie- That's how I feel about motherhood sometimes. It's inescapable. Beautiful, yes, fulfilling, yes, etc. But also... inescapable.

  15. I freaking HATE clowns, as much as I hate baboons, which is pretty large, so imagine the hate for the clowns! Also, if I can wrap up the little sweaty soccer players I coach in a timely fashion, I will haul my semi-wide arse over to the bookstore as I haven't participated in a good read-aloud in a really long time. Love your wit as always Brodi!

  16. I'm with you. Clowns are just plain creepy!! You're right. Who cares what Emerson says - that's one fear we should live without conquering!

  17. Brodi - you have a point, kids fear the costume or do they have a sixth sense about these things and just certain people like to dress up as fictional people?

    I must get that ZEO book, looks fantastic!

  18. Jo- I know. Poor baboons. I just want to rub diaper cream on their little red bottoms. Hope to see you at TKE today!

    Cath- I'm sure when Emerson was mentioning that, he wasn't at all thinking of dating clowns. At least I hope he wasn't. That would make for a very interesting Emerson biography.

    Una- It is a great book.