In the Immortal words of Lil' Wayne: I need a Winn-Dixie Grocery Bag full of Money

I hate money. Who's with me?

Lately I've been stressed about money like never before. We've had a few incidents (heart surgery, floods, market instability) that have come at the most inconvenient time, and I'm feeling the pressure to start contributing. 

I have a Masters Degree from a prestigious school. I should be paid for simply existing, right? 

Wrong. (I totally want a refund. False advertising.)

I've been thinking about the various talents that I have, and how they could possibly make me money. Here are my options. I'd appreciate your thoughts:

1. Play Scrabble for a Living

I play online Scrabble with up-and-coming YA author Jody Sparks. Over the past couple of weeks, we had an epic game that involved two Bingos (where you play all the letters) and words like Jarl. 

We kept tweeting to each other about the brilliance of our moves, and how amazing that last word was, etc. I think I even lost a few Twitter followers, who couldn't handle the awesome. 

We're considering taking our Scrabble talent on the road. Selling some tickets to watch the madness. (We average one to two words a day, so one ticket to the match would equal entire days of edge-of-your-seat excitement.)

2. Live by my Pen

Currently, the only way I could live by my pen is if I sell my pen. Have you a need for a pen? It's a long, thin, rounded device used to apply ink to a surface for the purpose of writing or drawing, usually on paper, and for the low low price of $20,000, the pen can be yours.

If that doesn't work, Andy Roddick fan Michael Bourret will soon be submitting my book, and if all goes well, maybe there's a publisher out there who will pay me a whole bushel of pens. Which I could then turn around and sell. 

If my book doesn't sell, I've heard that one pen in the hand is worth two in the bush, so I plan to double my current inventory by holding all my pens in my hand, and then going to the bush in my back yard to claim my treasure. 

3. Professional Tennis Watcher

The U.S. Open starts today, and you know what that means... my main squeeze Rafael Nadal will be Live from New York, in all his wedgie-picking grandeur.

For the low low price of $20/hr, I will teach you how to sit on your couch and watch tennis like a true professional. Ever wanted to know how many times Rafa picks his wedgies during the match? I can teach you how to count!

Watch a wedgie-pick once, and you are satisfied for a few moments. Teach someone how to track thousands of wedgie-picks over the course of a career, and that person will be entertained for life.

4. Subscriptions to my Blog

If I divide up my debt between all of my faithful blog followers, I think that would give me a boost. So mom, you owe $10,000, and Sam, you owe $10,000. 

5. Could someone please explain to me exactly how a Ponzi Scheme works? Just for curiosity's sake. 

6. On an unrelated note, is it really illegal to sell a child? Or is it only illegal on paper, but overlooked in actuality. Like polygamy. 

7. I have a metal detector, and I plan on surveying the beach out at the Great Salt Lake. I've heard majestic ships have been marooned on its shores.

8. Are my blog readers opposed to a banner on the side of my blog, advertising for GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS?

I'm open to other ideas. Anyone have words of advice? Anyone in the market for a set of Cutco Knives?

I hate money. 

Everything You Need to Know about Dating can be Learned from 7 Brides for 7 Brothers

Last night I went to see my niece "MM" in a community production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. She played one of the brides, and she stole the show.

This was probably my 100th time seeing the play. My mom loved the movie, so we watched it instead of Saturday mornin cartoons, and then every summer we went to Jackson Hole, WY, and saw it live. 

I realized last night how much I've learned from the play, so I thought I'd share what I've learned with you. 

Top Ten Dating Lessons Seven Brides for Seven Brothers Teaches us:

1. A dance off is appropriate in any tense situation. 

2. If you want something (like a wife) just go and take it, provided you can cause an avalanche on top of the only throroughfare so the men with the guns can't chase you. (Also, it's okay to assume your kidnapping victim will 'grow to love you')

3. Every Oregon town in the 1800's had exactly 6 eligible women and 12 eligible suitors. 

4. Love at first sight is possible if you and your potential mate are wearing the same color of shirt.

5. "Dorcus" is a girl's name. So, to my sister who used to torment me by calling me "Dork"... guess the joke's on you! You were just calling me a girl's nickname. Zing!

6. "The Bridegroom who gets married in June gets a sweetheart for a wife." Sam and I got married in June. Truer words were never spoken. Right, Sam? Right??

7. Real Men don't swing axes... they dance with them.

8. There are no good "F" names in the bible. And if you're choosing between "Hannah", "Hepzibah" and "Hagar" to name your first baby girl, choose "Hannah". I mean, is it even a question?  

p.s. I hope you're not reading this, Hepzibah Jones. (She's my neighbor)

9. These are what real "Bad Boys" look like:

 

And finally...

10. Shotgun weddings are magical.

So, what's everyone up to this weekend?

Prepare to Sing this Blasted Song All Day Long... Starring, Kid B

Howdy.

Kid B started school yesterday, but before he did, he decided to help me make a slideshow of him, so I wouldn't forget him. 

Keep in mind, there are no duplicate pictures. He really did pose for each and every one. Yes, there are quite a few of him yawning, but that's because he saw a preview of himself yawning, and decided he liked that pose the best. 

We set the pictures to his favorite song. And mine. And soon to be yours. (I promise you you'll be singing it all day long.)

Now, every time I miss him, I have this video to turn to.

Writing for Charity Recap: In which I get to Handle Sara Zarr

Happy Monday, Y'all! And especially happy today. School starts! 

 (Kid C in his second grade class)

First thing I'm going to do with my free time: Shower for as long as I want. 

Then I'm going to write. 

WRITING FOR CHARITY RECAP

I went to the Writing for Charity event on Saturday, and it was seriously incredible. The day event included star-studded author panels, and then critique groups, and the evening extravaganza featured a comedy group, singing, and more authors!

Here are the highlights: (the good photos were taken by Heather Zahn Gardner)

-James Dashner and a pregnant (with twins) Shannon Hale MC'd the event.

(Shannon Hale, in a wheel chair. That's dedication)

-James tried to auction off Shannon's double placentas. Yes, he said the word "placentas". In front of a large crowd. Twice.

(James, showing how a placenta can fold up into something as tiny as a button)

-It's okay, because Brandon Mull one-upped him by saying the phrase "vaginal birth" and then turning red and giggling. 

-I was Sara Zarr's handler. I'm having a shirt made that reads "I Handled a National Book Award Finalist."

 (Sara Zarr. What's that I see? A smile?)

-I discovered "handling" an author means escorting them, getting them food and drink, etc. It does NOT mean braiding each other's hair, exchanging BFF charm bracelets, and most importantly, NO POST-CONFERENCE SLEEPOVERS.

-Also, Sara Zarr does not like her peppermint patties to be served to her on a paper plate. Seriously. Don't do it.

- Funny story:

You know how I call author Matt Kirby "He Who Shall Not be Named"? 

(He Who Shall Not Be Named... Matt Kirby. aka Matthew J. Kirby)

Well, I was talking to friend-of-the-blog Jenni Elyse, and she sees Brandon Mull walking behind me.

 (Brandon Mull: bestselling author of Fablehaven series)

Jenni waves to him and exclaims, "Look! It's He Who Shall Not Be Named!"

I turn around to discover it's Brandon Mull, not Matt Kirby, behind us. He pauses for just a moment, gives us a weird look, and smiles and nods like Okay, whatever crazy girls.

After he walked away, I'm like, "Um, who do you think that was?"

Jenni's all, "Matt Kirby. Duh."

I'm all, "That's Brandon Mull. Author of Fablehaven."

Jenni gives me a horrified look. "Are you telling me I just called Brandon Mull...the pseudonym for...VOLDEMORT?!"

It was so so cool. That's why Jenni and I are friends. I just imagined what Brandon thought of the whole thing, walking by complete strangers, who shout, "Look! It's 'He Who Shall Not Be Named'!"  

-I got to spend the day with most of The SIX, and Emily Wing Smith was a fellow Handler. (She handled Ally Condie)

(Emily, me, voted best handlers)

-Here's the one picture I took. Now you know why I use Heather's photos.

(Autograph table- From far left to right: Bree Despain, back of Ally Condie's head, Sara Zarr and James Dashner, wondering where he can score some placentas)

-I got page one of a completely new WIP critiqued. Now to write page two...

So how was all y'all's weekend? Anyone else make it to Writing for Charity? Anyone do anything fun? 

In Which Brodi Takes a Stand Against the Airlines...

Do I look like a terrorist? Tell me the truth.

When I was packing for SCBWI in L.A., I painstakingly put all my liquids in the stupid 3 oz or less bottles, because that's the kind of citizen I am.

I went through security, and at the "put your shoes back on" place, the red lights go on, and the t.v.-watcher-guy motions someone over.

This young man- fresh out of high school- in a blue uniform comes up, pulls out my 3 oz bottle of contact solution, and says, "Ma'am, I'm going to have to run some tests on this."

I'm thinking, Kid, you're like twelve. What kind of tests are you gonna be running? 

Seriously, was he going to take it back to the laboratory (lah-bore-uh-tory) throw on some safety goggles and some gloves, and conduct experiments? 

Yes. Yes, he was. With a gloved hand, he transports the container back to his makeshift lab, and out come the droppers and vials. 

He came back a few minutes later to deliver the bad news.

Him: "I'm afraid I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to confiscate this."

I'm all for airline safety, but this was ridiculous! I hoisted my bags, all the while muttering "Fine! Fine! The world's a safer place because this guy who can't even grow a beard has passed judgment on an innocent bottle of contact solution."

When I got to my gate, I plopped in a seat next to Bree Despain, and started grumbling, saying really stupid things like, "Congratulations, everyone on my flight! You're all safe now!"

I found myself unable to stop saying red flag words like "bomb" and "fire", and then, in an act of dramatic defiance, I ripped the old baggage check tags off my suitcase and threw them to the ground.  I littered to make extra work for the custodians.

I'm all, "They may take our contact solution, but they'll never take... our FREEDOM!"

Bree's all, "Um, those baggage tags have your name and address on them."

Me: "Right. Good point." I picked the tags up and threw them away.

So much for my chance to raise an army against The Man. 

Anyone else have airport stories?

What I'm Reading, What I'm Writing, and Get Your First Page Critiqued

Hey y'all. I thought it was time to do some updates.

What I'm reading: 

I was lucky enough to get my hands on an ARC of Matt Kirby's book THE CLOCKWORK THREE. 

It was so good. You know, one of those books that makes me jealous of his way with words. I'm proud to call Matt a friend. So I can track him down and toilet paper his house.

What I'm Writing:

Some of you have been asking what the status is with my book. We are currently at Defcon 4. 

Defcon 1: Find an Agent.

Defcon 2: Revist with Agent.

Defcon 3: Wait to submit to Editors.

Defcon 4: Blood turns to acid because the stupid clock is not ticking away fast enough, and even though you've been waiting for years already, you swear this time, the wait will kill you, so you spend most days trying not to send crazy-a** emails to your agent, demanding to know why he doesn't have the power to speed up time, and perhaps as incentive, you should open a vein and bleed acid blood on everyone...

Defcon 5: Submit to Editors. Or the world blows up. It's fifty-fifty.

Get Your First Page Critiqued, and Meet Some Authors

If you have an interest in the publishing world or writing in general, you probably have heard how important the first page is.

Well, this Saturday, you can have your first page critiqued by a nationally published author... and raise money to provide needy children with books! 

It's a day of workshops and panels and critiques and signings, and an evening extravaganza, with some big names in the book world like James Dashner, Bree Despain, Jessica Day George, Shannon Hale, Ally Condie, Emily Wing Smith... and more. 

I had my first page critiqued last year, and now I have an agent. *

*above statement was not FDA approved, and results may or may not be typical.

Anywho, you can come for the day, or evening, or both. Click here for more info and to register.

Whew. I'm off to Lagoon (the illegitimate love-child of Disneyland and the State Fair) with Sam and the kids, because I got to thinking that it's been a while since I puked my lungs out. Wish us luck. 

The Great Flood of 2010... aka How I went Boating in my Basement

Hey y'all. 

It's the Monday after the Great Flood of 1-0. 

That doesn't sound right. How about "The Great Flood of Ten".

Nope. The Great Flood of Oh-Ten. 

Forget it. I can't even get lucky on the name of the flood. Yes, welcome to the pity party.  

So, it's 1:00 a.m. on Friday morning, and I hear something that sounds like a waterfall. Since we don't have one of those "Nature Sounds" machines, I know this is gonna suck. 

We race downstairs to find this:

This picture does not begin to capture the scope of the disaster. 

A sprinkler pipe burst just outside the window, and the entire window well was filled with water. It was spraying through the bottom of the window at this point, cascading down the wall to where it splashed playfully into the lagoon at the bottom.

(Apparently we were fortunate the window didn't shatter. Lucky us.)

I love what disasters reveal to us about our personalities. Sam was freaking out, because he hates water. Literally, he's had this exact nightmare for years, so for him, it was as if his worst nightmare had come to life. Here's a depiction of him.

(Sam. Every time he freaks out, he grabs a bottle of ketchup and starts shaking it)

Thankfully, in my worst nightmares, I've been shot in the head, probed by aliens, kidnapped, beaten, and the best one: I imploded due to implementing the wrong technique when popping a giant zit. Never dreamed about floods. 

Sam was running around shouting expletives, so I guess it was my turn to be the voice of reason. I tried to think of words of wisdom, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was: "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'!"

It worked. Because Stephen King knows his stuff. 

Once Sam was able to speak to me using words that didn't start with F and end in CK (Frederick), I ducked outside, took out my cell phone, and called my mom. (She was in Cedar City. Strangely, she was asleep.) I don't know what I was expecting her to do about it, but I'm really not used to being the lame-a** "Voice of Reason" and so I had to talk to an actual voice of reason. (I just play one on tv).

Thankfully, we know a kick-butt disaster guy, who showed up on our porch the next morning with one of these beauties:

Attached to the machine was this guy:

 (Jud Hanks. Superman owner of Nautica Cleaning)

He would've been here earlier, but he had to drive that thing all the way from West Jordan. (It's okay. It's street legal.)

After spending the night baling out water, I figured Jud and Sam had things under control. So I packed my bags, grabbed Kid C, and headed down to the Shakespeare Festival in Cedar City, to get my fix of men in tights.

And left Sam to deal with this:

Really, I think we were both exactly where we each wanted to be.

How was all y'all's weekend? Any disasters?

*Added: Keep this Saturday free (the 21st) for the annual Writing for Charity event. Great chance to meet authors, and hobnob with fellow writers. And it's for a good cause. And reasonably priced! Click here for more info