Monday, August 30, 2010

In the Immortal words of Lil' Wayne: I need a Winn-Dixie Grocery Bag full of Money

I hate money. Who's with me?
Lately I've been stressed about money like never before. We've had a few incidents (heart surgery, floods, market instability) that have come at the most inconvenient time, and I'm feeling the pressure to start contributing. 

I have a Masters Degree from a prestigious school. I should be paid for simply existing, right? 

Wrong. (I totally want a refund. False advertising.)

I've been thinking about the various talents that I have, and how they could possibly make me money. Here are my options. I'd appreciate your thoughts:

1. Play Scrabble for a Living

I play online Scrabble with up-and-coming YA author Jody Sparks. Over the past couple of weeks, we had an epic game that involved two Bingos (where you play all the letters) and words like Jarl. 

We kept tweeting to each other about the brilliance of our moves, and how amazing that last word was, etc. I think I even lost a few Twitter followers, who couldn't handle the awesome. 

We're considering taking our Scrabble talent on the road. Selling some tickets to watch the madness. (We average one to two words a day, so one ticket to the match would equal entire days of edge-of-your-seat excitement.)

2. Live by my Pen

Currently, the only way I could live by my pen is if I sell my pen. Have you a need for a pen? It's a long, thin, rounded device used to apply ink to a surface for the purpose of writing or drawing, usually on paper, and for the low low price of $20,000, the pen can be yours.

If that doesn't work, Andy Roddick fan Michael Bourret will soon be submitting my book, and if all goes well, maybe there's a publisher out there who will pay me a whole bushel of pens. Which I could then turn around and sell. 

If my book doesn't sell, I've heard that one pen in the hand is worth two in the bush, so I plan to double my current inventory by holding all my pens in my hand, and then going to the bush in my back yard to claim my treasure. 

3. Professional Tennis Watcher

The U.S. Open starts today, and you know what that means... my main squeeze Rafael Nadal will be Live from New York, in all his wedgie-picking grandeur.
For the low low price of $20/hr, I will teach you how to sit on your couch and watch tennis like a true professional. Ever wanted to know how many times Rafa picks his wedgies during the match? I can teach you how to count!

Watch a wedgie-pick once, and you are satisfied for a few moments. Teach someone how to track thousands of wedgie-picks over the course of a career, and that person will be entertained for life.

4. Subscriptions to my Blog

If I divide up my debt between all of my faithful blog followers, I think that would give me a boost. So mom, you owe $10,000, and Sam, you owe $10,000. 

5. Could someone please explain to me exactly how a Ponzi Scheme works? Just for curiosity's sake. 

6. On an unrelated note, is it really illegal to sell a child? Or is it only illegal on paper, but overlooked in actuality. Like polygamy. 

7. I have a metal detector, and I plan on surveying the beach out at the Great Salt Lake. I've heard majestic ships have been marooned on its shores.

8. Are my blog readers opposed to a banner on the side of my blog, advertising for GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS?

I'm open to other ideas. Anyone have words of advice? Anyone in the market for a set of Cutco Knives?

I hate money. 


  1. I hate money, too. You would've thought a full swimming scholarship to college would make me life easier. It did. For about a year. Then a truck decided to hit my car. That was fun. Dear Debt, suck it.

    Anyhoo, that Girls, Girls, Girls banner could work...maybe I'll steal the idea for my blog? Sweet, thanks :)

  2. Melissa- You can totally steal the Girls, Girls, Girls banner! (Um, that'll be 25 dollars please.)

  3. Money sucks. I would totally pay to watch you play scrabble, if I could afford it.

  4. i kinda like the "girls girls girls" may loose a few readers, but pick up a WHOLE bunch more! ;O)

    and fwiw, money is only great if you have piles and piles to roll in.

    i've never had that luxury in this life. maybe another life that i cannot remember...

    p.s. you could always try that demi moore move (no clue what the movie was called) where her husband sells her for "one night" for a million bucks--except sell sam instead????

    just a would sam feel about that? sam?

  5. There's nothing quite like money stress that takes me to that extra level of angry/crazy. :)
    You should auction off things on your blog. Like getting to hang out with you (I'd totally pay to do that) or getting to come to your house and make your family dinner or being mentioned in your blog. Do we need to have a girls night out and drown your sorrows in some rootbeer shots?

  6. Jenny- Thank you for the sentiment. Your tickets are in the mail. (The first two are complimentary, of course).

    Dorien- Excellent idea. Way to think inside the box.

    Okay, y'all: Up for grabs, for the low price of one meeeeelion dollars, is one night with me!

    One caveat: any takers must resemble Robert Redford. The early years. Like, Sundance Kid.

    Debbie- Another great idea! And one that doesn't involve my virtue. Bonus points.

    Now to find something of worth that I can auction. Within my immediate arm's reach:
    1. Kid B's used kleenex
    2. a container of salsa, guaranteed to be double-dipped by yours truly.
    3. My unders.

    Going once... Going Twice... going thrice...

  7. Dorien--Brodi could sell me for $1 million. But lets be honest, I think she could get a lot more than that. Wait, Brodi will correct that--I think she thinks that the most I would command is about $17,425. Oh well, we will still take it.

    I will start stringing rackets for paying customers. I will string your racket, but you owe me $15. Hold on, that doesn't help us does it?

  8. you totally overlooked a great money maker: your very own eggs!

    you could use your mad writing skills to promote your dna over other egg sellers and then who could resist?

    you can thank me for this idea later...

    (and really i'm sorry. money [lack of] can be such a stressful thing.)

  9. Sam- if we just keep loaning each other money, we should be good.

    Rachel- Wow! There really are so many ways to make money! Now, how do I go about harvesting? Is there a DIY option?

  10. If I had any viable answers, I so would be using them myself right now. I hear donating plasma only hurts a lot and you make like $20 a time. So if start going together, we'd only have to go every day for about ten years, and we'd have it made. Or else we'd be dead from lack of plasma and then we wouldn't care about heart surgery bills, or CT scan bills for children, or vet bills, or the cost of glasses for a 1.5 year old, or or or... okay, deep breath. Can I just say I've already cried about money twice today? So this post really hit home. Let's hope both our agents can work us some magic this fall.

  11. This post hits home for me as well. Trying to find a "extra" job when your current full time job only needs you less than part-time, sucks. I was able to pick up a teaching job...I hope I could go full time with them since I'm not sure if my day-job-office will survive this economy. Money is a huge stress in life...I would rather worry about what outfit to put my 7 month old in. Wait...maybe you could charge for being a mom? You know, like picking up kids...wait, would you have to hire out to be someone else's mom?

  12. Sara- Hear hear! I'm cryin' about money right now. It's times like these that I think to myself, "What would Katniss do?" but I can't find any squirrels to shoot with my bow and arrow.

    Una- That's a great idea. From now on, Kid C and Kid B must hire me to be their mom.

  13. Emily- There was one tiny flaw I forgot to mention with the meatball stand... it cost us more to make them than we were charging.

    Apparently even a fifth grader knows you can't make money that way. Unfortunately, I don't know any fifth graders.

  14. I love money. It just doesn't love me very much.

  15. Valynne- Ah! Unrequited love. The meanest love of all.

  16. I would love to not care about money. I hear that rich people don't think about money hardly at all. Ahhh. That would be nice.

    Of course, I don't think much about money, either--that's my husband's job. I make it, he spends it. I never get to buy anything, but at least I don't have to wonder if I can afford it!

    Medical bills are the pits, by the way. We just got an ER bill from Jerry's recent visit. Ouch!

  17. Robin- Medical bills suck! I thought with Obama in office, I'd be able to get heart surgery for free. It should be a right, right?

  18. EPIC Scrabble movements. Huh, that almost sounded like a euphemism for taking a poop.

    My favorite movie line of all time is: "Everyone wants money. That's why it's called money."

  19. Jody- Excellent line! And what isn't a euphemism for taking a poop these days?

  20. Money is the worst and it always seems like you don't have any when stuff like heart surgery happens. I feel your pain! And, I do like the idea of you selling your eggs. ;)