Stupid Fortune Cookies that Didn't Live up to their Potential... and a Surprise from my Editor

I went to dinner the other night with writer peeps Bree Despain and Emily Wing Smith. It was Chinese food. After dinner, we opened our fortune cookies.

You know how fortune cookies are usually all, "Something amazing is coming your way!" or "People are talking about you right now... and it's good news!" or "Remember that thing you were worried about? Well, it's all better!"

This restaurant was different. The first fortune was pretty innocuous:

"Stick with it! Patience is crucial to your success."

Fine. It's sort of a mantra I'm already familiar with, but fine. Thanks for the reminder. It's not necessarily a guarantee of success, though, is it? Patience may or may not bring it, but you should be patient regardless. 

Fortune Cookie #2:

"You have remarkable power which you are not using."

This one sounds like it could be great: "You have remarkable power!"

But then it takes a dip: "...And you're squandering it."

So, really it sounds like my mother: Why can't you live up to your potential?

There's no hope in this one. There's no silver lining. No promises of, "But if you work on it, you could totally use all of your power!" No amount of patience will bring you success.

It's basically an indictment of you as a person. The fortune cookie has sentenced you, with no hope for bail.

Then there's Fortune Cookie #3:

"Never mess up an apology with an excuse."

So, not only do you have something to apologize for, you're messing it up by trying to excuse your crummy behavior. 

How about you, fortune cookie? You're not taking your own advice! You're using the excuse that you're a fortune cookie to spread your own misfortune that the only thing you're good for is to be eaten!

*deep breaths*

Now I'm sure my next fortune will read:

"Expect to be shouting at inanimate pastries in your very near future."

Then I can be all, "What do you know? Fortune cookies really do work!"

Thankfully I opened a more exciting package than the fortune cookie this weekend. The mailman dropped off a large padded envelope from my publisher.  When I opened it, I found this:

Yep. It was Rafa's new book, with a note from my editor! 

Suddenly, my fortune is looking bright. And tan. And a little bit muscular.  

By the way, Rafa is playing in the finals of the U.S. Open today against Novak Djokovic. Anyone watching? 

Anyone else have bad luck with fortunes? Give me some of your best bad fortunes! (Real or make-believe)

Kid C gets Chastised for Being Violent

Hi Y'all! I'm back from Vegas, rested and recovered. I did, however, lose my new sunglasses. I guess what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas, because I bought the sunglasses on the strip.

Oh well, I'll tell you all about it next week.

So, I was going through Kid C's homework yesterday, and discovered he had to redo one of his assignments. The teacher had asked him to create a short story based on this prompt:

"Here's How to Get Rid of a Monster!"

Keep in mind Kid C has a cast on his right arm, so he's writing with his left, and that's why his handwriting is so bad. At least, that's what we tell ourselves.

I'll translate his story for you:

"Find a light place to sleep, and find a knife and stab it behind its back and scare the monster, then you put his lifeless body in the cold sea."

His teacher made him do it over again, with the instruction to "Rewrite with no VIOLENCE"

I understand that schools have a zero-tolerance policy regarding violence, and we whole-heartedly agree with this policy. We love our teacher and understand why she had to say something.

I do, however, have a problem with the assignment if you can't answer with violence. How else are you supposed to get rid of a monster?  I'm sorry, but if I were facing a monster, the last thing I would want is a hero who tries to kill it with kindness. Smother it with hugs. Slay it with butterflies and rainbows.

No, if I were facing a monster, I would want a hero who would find a light place to sleep (not sure how this tactic fits in with the whole thing), find a knife, stab it in the back and dump its limp, lifeless body in the cold sea.

Now if the question were, "How Do You Make Friends?" that would be different. I would not recommend this tactic. But in any other situation, I think Kid C's answer was perfect. 

If I incorporated this rule in my book, it would be a very different story. Of course, there is that one scene where the main character uses glitter to kill a dragon. 

What do you think?

How my Car Accident this Morning Dredged up Embarrassing Memories... which I will share with you.

So, I totally got in a car accident. 

Just now. Like ten minutes ago.

I was on my way home from a celebratory breakfast, which is like a celibatory breakfast, only more fun, when I got rear-ended. 

It happened as I was trying to turn right onto a busier street and I was at a red light. 

You know how you inch out? Well, I was inching out. And the guy behind me decided to go on ahead and turn right. But I was in front of him. He smashed into me.

I'm not mad. I can understand how bad the guy feels. 

This one time, in a similar situation, I was trying to turn right at a red light. I thought the car in front of me had gone. I was looking left, waiting for a break in the traffic, and I must have let up on the brake because suddenly I felt a bump, and when I looked up, I was really close to the car in front of me. 

You know that feeling, when you hear metal on metal? Yeah, it sucks. The car in front turned the corner and I followed, thinking we were looking for a place to pull over, call the cops, and exchange information. 

But he didn't pull over. 

We passed a grocery store, and I thought okay, he'll pull over in that parking lot.

He didn't.

He started to pick up speed, so I sped up behind him, thinking, Why is he going so darn fast? I just rear-ended him!

I honked and waved, but all he did was press on the gas. 

All sorts of scenarios passed through my brain. Maybe he was a criminal. Maybe he was a wanted man, and couldn't risk police attention. Maybe he was on his way to bomb a building, and didn't have time to swap insurance cards.

Then he entered the on ramp to the freeway. Going the opposite direction I was going. I didn't follow, because, hey, I did my part. I tried.

But inside, I was so relieved that this possible serial killer - or maybe a bank robber - ditched me. 

When I got home, I checked the front of my car to assess the damage. But the bumper was in pristine condition. 

Weird, because the jolt from the accident was rather large. 

Then I went around to the back of the car. There was a huge dent in the fender.

And it all dawned on me. 

Yep, I was the one who had gotten rear-ended.

I was the one who had raced away, like a wanted serial killer. 

It was not my proudest moment.

I'm Back on the Blog, and I brought a Friend, who is really good at Counting Down to EVERNEATH

Hey y'all.

I am emerging from the writing cave! It is bright out here.

Here's what's been going on since we last talked.

1. Um... I've been writing.

And I have to say the sequel to EVERNEATH is coming along. Which is good because it's due tomorrow.

2. EVERNEATH comes out in four months. FOUR MONTHS! And three days. THREE DAYS!

And if you're like me, and you have trouble counting backward from the higher numbers like 8, I have the perfect thing for you.

Presenting... the EVERNEATH countdown widget! I shall call him Widgy, and we shall play and play.

Would you like Widgy for your own blog sidebar? Then you are in luck. All you have to do is press on the doohickee at the bottom of Widgy and then there will be some sort of html code-a-ma-thingee that you can add to your blog. 

Sorry for all the technical terms. Many thanks to Katie Wood Ruffin who was kind enough to make Widgy.

3. I sent my youngest, kid B off to Kindergarten. 

Could he possibly look any smaller?

I always make fun of those moms who shed a tear when their kids make it to kindergarten. Monday was no exception. I had the best insults at the ready.

But my censure of those moms was muffled by the snot draining from my nose and the waterworks running from my eyes.

All my excellent jabs toward them were interrupted by sniffles, and the delivery was stifled, and eventually those other wimpy moms just walked away, and I ran after them, blowing my nose on my shirt and slipping on my own tears, because they had to know that this was supposed to be a day of celebration, and they were being ridiculous.

My kindergartener.

The final blow was when Kid B, who has a difficult time talking, looked at me as I was leaving, and said, "I go home now?"

And I said, "No. You get to stay and have fun."

And he looked all around the classroom - so unsure of everything going on - and then back at me and said, "No, I go home now."

So I ripped open my chest and handed him my beating heart, and told him to hold on to it until we were together again.

He ended up having a great day. And they only lost him once. Yeah, true story. It's awesome when other moms in the neighborhood tell you, "Hey! My kid said they lost kid B!" And you're the last to know...

So, dear friends, what's going on with you? Thank you so much for being nice to the guest bloggers, Sam and my mom. They felt so at home, they begged to blog some more.

Guest Blogger Extraordinaire: Brodi's Mom

Please welcome our guest blogger... My mom. No, I am not desperate.

At a recent family gathering, Brodi asked if anyone present wanted to be a guest blogger.  I immediately raised my hand and shrieked, “Pick me!  Pick me!” 

No one else raised their hand or their voice.  Apparently Brodi didn’t notice, because she cleared her throat and asked with exaggerated enunciation, “I said, does anyone want to be a guest blogger?”

Against a backdrop of deafening silence and with absolutely no reduction in enthusiasm, my hand shot up again as I chanted with grating annoyance, “Pick me!  Pick me!” thus dispelling the myth that if you ignore me, I will go away.  I am the consummate irritant.

No one but her mother would have detected the barely perceptible eye roll when she acquiesced and replied, “Oh Kay-yay!  You can blo-ogg!”

I won!  I won!  By default, yes, BUT I WON!!!

Brodi stipulated that first I had to introduce myself, preferably in simple sentences.  OK! OK!  I have thumbs.  I can do that!  Here goes.

I am Brodi’s mom. 

For those of you who don’t know me, I am 5’7”, naturally blond, I am frequently mistaken for Angeline Jolie  (must be the lips!)  and I have an advanced degree in astrophysics from Harvard.

For those of you who DO know me, I am still in the 12-step recovery program for pathological liars. 

I have always loved words.  They have such power, and can convey such emotion.  I especially like the newest entries included in the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary.  So in an effort to further describe myself in officially current vernacular, I am not a “cougar,” but I share my daughters’ intense admiration for Rafa Nadal.  At the moment I am sporting a serious “muffin top,” my only claim to curves.  I do not chirp, peep, “tweet,” or feed my Twitter.  I do, however, “fist bump,”  “crowdsource,” and show my “guns” upon request. Well, enough about me.  I’ll be available later for questions. On to the blog.

Summer ended abruptly last week.  Autumn debuted at 6:00 Monday morning in a flurry of backpacks, notebooks, peanut butter sandwiches and a whole bunch of kids with sun-bleached hair.

There’s a certain nostalgia about the first day of school. Memories and recollections flood our minds. Time is not divided into seasons, but determined by which teacher and what grade each kid is assigned. As a grandma, I want to sprint full throttle ahead and wrap a protective shield of arm flab around my little tribe so nothing can harm them.  Grandmas are hard-wired to run interference for their team.  It is not an easy task to allow fledglings to try their wings without saturating the earth with feathers.

Especially kid C.  You’d think that after a broken clavicle and his grandpa stitching multiple facial cuts, I would be hardened to childhood wounds.  Not so.  I am still jarred by the flow of blood or protruding bones.  DNA is a pretty powerful binding agent.

This past Saturday, Dennis and I became soccer nomads, attending 4 out of 5 scheduled games of our grandkids.  Each child seems genuinely happy when we exceed the prescribed neighborhood decibel level with unrestrained cheering, since we do not own vuvuzelas. 

Every one of our posse made us proud, especially kid C.  In spite of a broken elbow held together with pins and a bright Runnin’ Utes red cast on his arm, he played his scheduled game.  Brodi had bound him in bubble wrap to buffer any blunt force trauma to the injury site, so much so that we could have FedEx’ed him anywhere in the world. But there is always risk of freak accidents.  I tried not to worry.  I failed.  Although I do think total body bubble wrap may just be the answer to Grandma angst.  What a little warrior.

After the game, we attempted a high five, but due to the location and immobility of his cast, we settled for fist bumps.  We’re nothing if not adaptable.  It was a nice moment.

We love Brodi’s blog and her gift for creative expression.  She looks at things, but she also sees through things.There are times we think her muse is on steroids.  But we particularly enjoy the many and varied comments that complete her thoughts.  We feel like we know everyone personally, and we’ve learned so much from you.  Sometimes life is like a hurricane – an organized storm around a well-defined eye. Hurricanes happen.  To everyone. You have supported us, encouraged us, and allowed us to feel your love with words of comfort and joy.  This has helped calm the storms that rage. We were advised to surround ourselves with people who believe we can do hard things.  You are part of that.  I guess it is true we are all connected. This is a good thing.

 I appreciate the opportunity to sit in Brodi’s chair, share some thoughts and express our appreciation. Of course, she tells it like it is.  I tell it like it ought to be. So the next time she asks if anyone wants to be a guest blogger, there will be a thunderous “Pick me!” heard round the world!  I’ll be back!

Round 2, Questions and Answers: Whether you wanted it or not

I don't believe anyone demanded it, or even asked for it, but it is a lucky day!  You get another post from Brodi's favorite spouse (the other three of her spouses are fighting it out for 2nd place) Sam!  And I am back ready to answer a few questions from my last post and the post before.  So, lets dive right in:

Emily asks: Who is your favorite sister? And what is metro-sexy?
This is very hard to answer, especially when it is one of my sisters asking the question.  We had all of our family in town for my lovely niece EO's wedding.  I got to spend some good time with all my sisters and brothers and their spouses which is always awesome.  I have 3 lovely and very entertaining sisters.  And as crazy as it sounds, we all live about a mile from each other.  Usually when I review who my favorite people are, I check to see if they are funny, sincere, play tennis, can compete in a good arm wrestle, willing to eat at the downtown restaurant Cinnegrill, invite me to all of their parties, etc.  Well, my three sisters get checks for each of these requirements.  So, shockingly enough, I will say it is a tie.  All three are very funny and fabulous, but only one has a blog.  If you have ever wanted to learn more about the movies 'Planet of the Apes' and are dying for a review of the 5 or 6 of those movies out there, feel free to check out my sister Eden's blog HERE 

 
In regards to your metrosexy question: Metro-sexy is defined as an usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments, and fashionable clothes.  Yep, that pretty much nails me.  Whether I need to or not, I will throw out my clothes if they are more than 15 years old.  I have to stay hip to the fashion.  I plan on throwing out my pegged jeans next year. 

Dorien also asked:  Can you tell us how exactly you put the "sexy" in metro-sexy? 
I know how to work what I have got.  But as Brodi said in response, this post would be very long, so I will have to just leave it at that.  As I learned back in my high school days at West High, 'flaunt it if you got it.'


Sal Gal asked: Will you be going back to the middle east for work again?
Over the past 5 years, I have had the chance to work quite a bit in SE Asia, such as in Pakistan.  Brodi actually accompanied me on one of my trips.  Sadly, I probably won't be taking many trips back there for the foreseeable future, but our company is focused on other regions of the world, so it will be some new adventures. 



Jenni Elyse asks: Does/did it bother you that Brodi didn't change her name?
To be honest, it was never an issue.  When Brodi was doing some tv news reporting, it just made sense to keep her maiden name because it is a bit more unique than my awesome last name.  After that, I think we were comfortable with it and had no issues with it so she just kept it.  There is occasional confusion over what they should call our family, but overall, no problems at all.  If we wanted to get it really confusing, we should have given our boys both different last names like 'Gonzalez' or 'Bradford' or something like that.  Brodi does remind me though, at least once a week, that she would have changed her maiden name if my last name was Capote.  Brodi Capote.  She probably would have changed it too if my last name was Nadal too.

Marianne asks:
is that the atari from grandma and grandpa ashton"s house?!?! 
Sadly no, it is not.  You wanna know what is sadder?  I actually spent money and bought an atari for our house.  We have had the wii for 3 years.  I have probably played it for a grand total of 15 minutes.  I bought this atari and I have played it for hours.  How frakkin' pathetic is that?  


Thanks everyone for having me around.  It is always fun over here.  I was all ready to do a post on how wonderful reality television is and how it can help us be better people, but Brodi said to save that for sometime in the very, very distant future.   Thanks for being such a good support for Brodi.  We can't wait until Everneath comes out.  If you want to meet me, I will be the guy standing in line at King's English or one of the other book stores with a handful of Everneath books. 

The Spouse speaks, err, blogs for Brodi today

So, Brodi asked me to fill in for her and write up a blog post.  As you know, she is finishing up her second book (which totally is rockin', by the way) and she is short on time, so for a small nominal fee, I was brought in to blog for her.   She gave me only 2 requirements - No nude pictures of myself and don't drive away followers (which very well may be the same thing).  Thanks to all of you kind readers of her blog for the questions.  I am ready to rock and roll with some answers:

Nicole K asks: I would like to know if Sam is going to blog about Bachelor Pad? 

How can I answer this and still be taken seriously anywhere, ANYWHERE?  Yes, I have watched Bachelor Pad this summer.  (hangs head in shame).  If you have never watched this show, kudos to you for being a sane person.  Basically, this show has pulled past contestants from the Bachelor and the Bachelorette and threw them in a house together to live...and then each person votes to kick others off the show.  Last person standing (usually with self esteem long gone) wins $250K.  Let me just say - these people are crazy.  Typical scenario - guy kisses girl thinking it will help him stay in the game.  Same guy then kisses another girl thinking it will help him really stay in the game.  1st girl gets mad at guy.  Guy is nervous because now girls start not liking him.  He apologizes.  Girls happy again.  He kisses 1st girl again.  He then kisses 2nd girl again.  Girl gets mad.  Shampoo, Rinse, Repeat.  Seriously, most of these contestants have the crazies.  I will admit that I have yelled at the tv.  I will not admit to throwing my shoe at the television.  Utah's very own Michelle has a chance to win.  Not that ANYONE cares.

Robin asks several questions: Sam--do you, like my husband, have to force your wife to knock off and go to bed at a decent hour?  

Brodi is 'spirited.'  If I tell her to knock it off and go to bed...she will stay up longer.  If I tell her to go to sleep in an hour, she will go to sleep 2 hours later.  We go to bed at similar hours...usually sometime between 11 and 12 each night.  But, I often fall asleep on the couch and stumble to the bed around 2 in the morning.   If Brodi's mind is on overdrive, she aint going to bed until she passes out. 

Did Brodi buy you a nice thank-you gift with her advance? 

Yep, she went out of town to LA and NYC for fun/conferences.  Oh wait, for me?  Yes, we were able to put food on the table.

When Brodi becomes a bestseller early next year, will you quit your job? 

Probably not, my work would be completely lost without me.  They need me.  They need me.  They need me.  Don't they?  Do you know something that I don't know?    

Who do you see as your greatest competition: Rafa or Jack?

Tough.  I would say Rafa though.  Mainly because his name comes up every single day. 

For example:  Sam: "Hey Bro, lets stay home tonight and hang out." 

Brodi: "Rafa would take me out dancing and clubbing." 

Sam: "OK, get on your dancing shoes, we are going to the Bay."

She has Rafa, I have Ana I.  Luckily, both of these tennis stars have allowed us to have each other while they compete in all of their tournaments.  And look, these two players also hang out with each other outside of the tennis court.

Rachel asks: Question for Sam: Who is funnier in real life, you or Brodi? What advice do you have for my husband, as one spouse of an author to another?

As you can see from this blog post, Brodi is much funnier in real life. But if you give me a Rockstar drink or crack cocaine, I can be pretty crazy funny too. The best advice that I can give is to keep pushing the spouse. EVERYONE thinks that they can write, but that is really not true. It is difficult, time consuming, frustrating, etc. The business is tough. It is difficult to write a book...it is difficult to find an agent...it is difficult to sell a book. It aint easy. So, be there for your spouse and support him/her and give encouragement.  And speaking as Brodi's spouse, she is a great writer so it has been really easy to be so supportive.  She is fabulous and I am happy to be her biggest male cheerleader.

Leigh Ann asks: Okay, Mr. Ashton: What are your three favorite meals to cook, clean up after, and serve Brodi at the end of a long day of writing with a long night stretching ahead of her? Hmmm? Bonus points: What is the average length of the footrubs you give her while she types?

Thanks for the questions Leigh Ann, I have not been called Mr. Ashton since she was a television reporter.  Brodi kept her maiden name, so my last name is Johnson.  But, I have no problem with being called Mr. Ashton, Hot Stuff, Sam the man, Sexy guy, Metrosexual Man, Mr. Ashton Johnson, etc.  

Favorite meals?  Besides spaghetti, hamburgers and the best ribeye steaks that you could imagine, I am not really a cook.  So, we do lots of fabulous takeouts from Citris Grill, the Pub, any Thai place, etc.  I am a very good dish clean upper and I am happy to do so.  Brodi won't let me go near her feet, so no foot rubs.  It might have something to do with always trying to tickle her feet.  Yeah, she doesn't like that.  Not one bit. 

Small Town Shelly Brown asks: Sam, what do you do while Brodi is writing? 

When she is writing, I like to work on my dance moves.  Tuesdays are 'We be break dancing' day (check out kitty doing some breakin' moves).  Thursdays are set aside for Modern Dance and Sundays are Ballroom Dancing days.  I also like to spend my days watching reruns of Bachelor Pad.  I also spend time on planning where to pick up takeout for tomorrow nights dinner.  I also spend crazy amount of times looking for the best deals in anything.  I could be buying a pair or $3 socks and I spend 25 minutes trying to find those same socks for $2.50.  I also make sure that the kids are not playing in the streets.  I try to sneak in 5 minutes of playing the Atari as well.  

Ok, this blog post is long enough for now.  I still have some questions to answer on Friday including one from my lovely sister.  If there is anything else you would like to know, please ask away.  I will be working on my responses nonstop for the next 2 days to get ready for Friday's blog post.  Thanks to you all for reading Brodi's blog.  She totally rocks and all of your comments always makes her day.