NYC Part #2: Where Emily looks crazy on a subway, and Bree runs off with a banana

Hey y'all.


Today, we're heading to Venice Beach. I've never been there, but I hear it's where Muscle Beach is. This is very exciting.


But on to the rundown of my New York trip!


We conquered Broadway, with viewings of Jersey Boys and Wicked.

Emily Wing Smith, Bree Despain and me.

We ate lots of awesome food.

Here we are at Katz's Delicatessen, home of that famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. You know... the one where Sally does the... thing... and that woman says, "I'll have what she's having." Which was a pastrami sandwich. 

Our hotel was near Times Square, so we were there a lot. Below, you can see we asked Stevie Wonder to take our picture. 

iPhone cameras are hard to work.

Bree and I went to the Harry Potter exhibit. We must've gone at a slow time, because we were the only ones in line. I think they were expecting more people to come, because we had to stand in line a long time waiting for them to let us in to the exhibit.

Here's Bree, standing in line. That's how she looks when she's waiting. She struck that pose the entire time.

But no one else came. So they finally let the two of us into this large room with a stage. On the stage was a guy with a fake British accent, standing next to a chair with a hat. The guy and his accent were all, "Who in the audience would like to be sorted by the sorting hat?"


Bree and I looked at each other. We were the only ones in the "audience".


Guy: "Any volunteers?"


us: "..."


Because, when you only have two people, do they really need to be sorted?


Eventually we both took our turns with the sorting hat. We ended up in Gryffindor. We must've been stout of heart.


Emily Wing Smith did a fantastic job at her reading. 

She had to practice on the Subway ride to make sure it timed out right. 

Here's Emily reading out loud. Just for fun, Bree and I took turns acting like she was crazy, and then slowly moving away. 

In between the readings, David Levithan would stand up and read from an educational sex magazine.

David Levithan, describing how boys and girls have different parts. 

That is not a joke. He really did read from the sex magazine.. Somehow, it fit the evening events, but now that I'm telling about it, I can't make it make sense.


I also got to meet with my awesome editor Kristin Daly Rens, as well as Emily from HarperCollins marketing and Allison from publicity. I presented them with a "Mormon Cookbook", and said, in a solemn voice and a bowed head, "This is a gift from my people."

I shouldn't have said it so formally, because they began to gingerly leaf through the pages of casseroles and jello, taking care not to bend the spine, and promising to do right by these hallowed recipes. 


I quickly clarified that I don't actually cook, and that despite what they've heard, these casserole recipes are not actually scripture, so they can feel free to abuse the book without offending anyone.


The rest of my pictures feature only Bree and Emily, because I'd often take out my camera and give a quick, "Smile, girls."


The result is what looks like a series of engagement pictures for them. 


Here's the happy couple, after the official announcement, celebrating at John's Pizzeria.

Each of us - a half - incomplete
together we are as one…
in this there shall be joy.

Look how daintily they ingest their BBQ from Will's Barbecue...

Each hour, each day, each year
We grow as two, yet as one,
We grow apart, yet together
Forming an eternal love

Here they are, under the famous Katz's Delicatessen sign. The world is their oyster!

Love turns
one person into two
and two into one

But, at times, even though they were smiling on the outside, I sensed a restlessness developing...

The most joyous of occasions
Is the union of man and woman
In celebration of life…

Eventually, it came to a boiling point, when I clandestinely snapped this picture of Bree with another man (Robbie, Boy With Books) and... a giant banana.

Three hearts
that beat
as one…

It's okay, though. Emily found someone else too:

Strangely, the "I Feel Lucky" button on Picasa wasn't so lucky this time.

And of course, in the end, the cow ran away with the spoon.

Okay, I just went to Google "Cow ran away with the spoon" to get a picture of the cow and the spoon together, but it turns out it was the dish who ran away with the spoon. 

What the what? Am I the only one who always remembered it as the Cow running away with the spoon? I'm a little disappointed. Here I thought the poem was being all progressive with a mammalian-flatware relationship. Now it turns out the spoon ended up with a plate. This is a little too normal for me. 

So I jotted down the version of the poem as I remember it, and here it is:

Hey diddle diddle,

The cat ate the fiddle

the cow jumped over the moon

Little Bo Peep lost her sheep,

And the cow ran away with the spoon.

I know now that there are many things wrong with my version, not the least of which is that Little Bo Peep doesn't belong there with her sheep, and any cow who jumped over the moon would be way too tired to run away with a spoon. 

And yes, the cat eats the fiddle in my version, but I ask you, how is that so much weirder than a cat who plays the fiddle?

Ohmyheck. Have I really spent this entire blog discussing Hey Diddle Diddle? What is my problem? 

So much for progress. This blog is so long! Take a few days, digest the entire thing, and then let me know what you think. 


Did anyone else have the cow and the spoon together?

Please Vote on our Barry Manilow Cover Band Name

It's Friday, yo. 

So, my crit partner and BFF Emily Wing Smith has a new book coming out called BACK WHEN YOU WERE EASIER TO LOVE. 

The story involves a girl, a breakup, a guy, a road trip, and Barry Manilow. (Description my own. It fails to convey the awesomeness of this story.)

Anywho, for the launch party, my critique group The SIX (very apt description, because we are all six feet tall) decided to form a Barry Manilow cover band. 

The band members.

The fact that none of us are very musical didn't enter into the decision-making process.

Emily herself will be on the bongos.

Bree Despain on the maracas.

Valynne Nagamatsu on the piano.

Sara Bolton and Kim Reid on backup vocals. (We don't know who they'll be backing up. We're just hoping one of us emerges as a star).

I will be on the key-tar. 

The severed hands are included.

Guess who's invited to the launch party?

You! Yes, you!

BACK WHEN YOU WERE EASIER TO LOVE RELEASE PARTY

Thursday, April 28
7:00 p.m
King’s English Bookshop
1511 South 1500 East,  Salt Lake City

Mark your calendars!

So, we are trying to decide on a band name, and here's where you come in. Please vote on your favorite, or if you have a suggestion, you can enter it in the comments. 

A. The Six Merry Manilows

B. Raindrops Keep Falling on my Dead (submitted by Douglas Cootey)

C. The Cuckoo Cabanas (submitted by Josh Berk)

D. Rico Wore a Diamond (submitted by Saundra Mitchell)

E. The Barely Manilows 

And if you suggest a title, and we choose it, we will dedicate a song to you. Thank you for playing!

My Trip with Doctor Who, and How a Small Child was Maimed at the Book Blogger Social

Happy Monday y'all.


How about some Thing 1 and Thing 1!

Thing 1:
Doctor Who visited me in my sleep last night. For those of you who don't know, Doctor Who is a time-travelling man/alien who saves the world a lot. 

Dr. Who and Rose. They made me cry a lot.

Last night, I dreamed I got to go on one of his exciting adventures.  Where would we end up? Ancient Rome? Shakespearean London? Or... a thousand years into the future? 


No. He took me to 1989 to see the filming of that Patrick Swayze classic Roadhouse. You know, the one where Swayze plays a tough bouncer hired to straighten out a dirty bar? 

It's his way... or the highway.

Yeah, I wasn't familiar with this movie either. I have no idea where it was hiding out in my sub conscience.


Before you ask, no, I didn't get to see Mr. Swayze utter his most famous lines:


"Pain don't hurt."


and


"Nobody ever wins a fight."


and finally,


"My way... or the highway."


I asked the Doctor what we were doing here, and he looked at me like, "Duh, it's your dream. Isn't that a question for your therapist?"


I'm inclined to agree with him. 

Nobody ever "wins" a fight! Except the last guy standing...

Thing 1:
We went to the Utah Bool Blogger Social Saturday night. Utah is home to a staggering amount of book bloggers, and twice a year they get together to party with the local authors.


And when I say party, I mean party. Want proof? Check out this candid pic:

Authors Matt Kirby, Bree Despain, and myself.
Photo taken by Heather Gardner Photography. 

This picture popped up on the internet after the party. I love it. Bree and I look thoroughly unimpressed, and Matt looks a little disgusted. 


I'm here to tell you, that was not representative of the evening! Heather has promised to give us a little more notice before she snaps a candid picture next time.


Overheard at the party:


-Emily Wing Smith and I, taking turns to see who could cough up a lung first. (I won)


-Bree and Emily, having a discussion that involved the phrases, "Who did you fork that one time?" 
It's not like it sounds. They have both had accidents where they nearly impaled a bystander with a fork. 


-Matt Kirby said afterward that the "Who did you fork" conversation would make my blog. He claims his blog-worthy-statements-detection-skills are running at about 98%.


-During the book swap, Chersti Nieveen trampled a small child to get her hands on Emily Wing Smith's ARC of BACK WHEN YOU WERE EASIER TO LOVE.


-She later swore the child was really the devil's spawn, and deserved to be trampled. 
Here's a picture of the unfortunate demon child:

Don't be fooled by her angelic disguise.

Here's a pic that better captures the spirit of the event.

Top: Matt Kirby, Bree Despain
Bottom: Chersti Nieveen, Emily Wing Smith, Leisha Maw

Because nothing screams "Party!" like Bree Despain wearing Princess Leia Buns made out of lightbulbs. 


So, what did y'all do over the weekend? Were you at the social? (If so, give a holla in the comments). Did you see any good movies? Did you trample any small children?

LTUE Conference, and my Biggest Pet Peeve in Movies

Hey y'all.


So, I don't know if you noticed, but I forgot to blog on Friday. It's not really that I forgot, it's that I drove to Provo for the LTUE (Life, the Universe, and Everything) writing conference, and I didn't get to my hotel room until 11:30.


And then I forgot.


I went to the conference on and off, because the main reason I was there was to be with my writer's group.

Emily Wing Smith and Bree Despain, 2/6 of the SIX.
Numbers 2 and 3 Crazy, respectively. 

We hadn't seen each other in over a month, and as everyone knows, every month that goes by where we don't see each other, a part of us just shrivels up and dies.


It's random which parts this affects. For me, it was my upper left ear lobe. Emily wasn't so lucky. It was her right eye. Bree lost her writing hand. For Sara, the part that shriveled up and fell off happened to be a baby.

Little Emmi Bolton. Who knew that's how babies were made?

I have to admit, my cup has been runneth-ing under a little bit lately, so it was nice to be with these gals and get a refill.


Other Happenings at the Conference:


*James Dashner displays extraordinary honesty in his keynote address:

Just Kidding. He rocked the house. And only made a couple babies cry.

*Mette Ivie Harrison and Bree were on a panel teaching us about the problems we face when writing sequels, and how to solve those problems.

Mette and Bree: Experts on Sequels

*The next day, Bree promptly forgot everything she ever knew about writing sequels, and had a meltdown about her own upcoming sequel.


*I got to meet up with old friends and meet some new friends. *Waves to everyone*


*We saw I am Number Four.

Alex Pettyfer. He doesn't care the world is blowing up around him.

Now that Alex is in Number four, and they want him for Hunger Games, and the Mortal Instruments series, we're convinced a Young Adult novel cannot be adapted for the big screen unless his name is attached. 

Please, someone out there produce another hot, blond teenage actor. Otherwise, none of our books stands a chance. 

AS FOR MY PET PEEVE:

Also in the movie, my favorite cliche, where the character sets an explosive in a building and then walks away in slow motion, and when the building blows up behind her, she can't be bothered to notice. 

Please say one of those 2X4's whacks her in the head. Please.

What the what? I'm sorry, I don't care how many buildings you've blown up. If something is exploding mere feet behind you... you look! Everyone would look! If you don't look, all I can think is, "She must be deaf from all the buildings she's blown up."

Even then, there is no excuse. It can't be that old. I see fireworks every Fourth of July, and there's no way I would just walk away in slow motion while the show went on behind me. It never gets old! Look! Pretty fire! 

Just once, I want that scene to happen, and then one of the sparks lights her hair on fire. 

Then we can be all, "Yeah, you shoulda looked."

Anyone else see it? What did you think? 

p.s. Update on my dad: He's completed his first round of chemo, and is doing well. Yay! Thanks for all of your prayers and well-wishes. 

The Dreaded Author Pic: aka Why I was up all Night. aka Anyone want to stand in for me?

Yo, y'all.

Today I'm getting the thing that every author dreads and fears:

No, not leprosy. I'm getting the author picture. You know, the one that will go on the back cover of the book, to be immortalized in print forever.

Okay, maybe not every author feels like I do, but darn if I wasn't up all night last night stressing about it. (Which did wonders for my skin this morning, and not in the good way). 

I have friends who have totally awesome author pics:

Bree "I can even make a brick wall look good" Despain

Emily "What picture? I was just looking at something over there, and smiling thoughtfully" Wing Smith

Then there's me.

This picture was in the Salt Lake Tribune over the weekend, with the caption "Fans of Utah young adult author Ally Condie". 

I had no idea how front-and-center I would appear. Check out the poor little girl to my left, who's trying to peek around the enormous planet dressed in black. 

It looks more like the caption should read: "Ally's number one giant fan, who might follow her home and leave dead roses by her front door. She's comin' to getcha, Ally. And she's leading the charge of hundreds more just like her! Only, smaller. Rarrrrr!"

To be fair, when the girl told everyone she was taking the picture, I puffed up like a blow fish. That's how I pose. 

Cheese.

I also took another picture recently. I won't show it to you, but I will tell you that if it had a caption, it would read "Boobs McGee, and her giant purse. Be amazed at how they dwarf everyone around them!"

Emily Wing Smith says I look exactly the same in every picture ever taken of me. I don't know what she's talking about...

Okay, maybe I do. But this is because I have spent my life practicing how to smile so I don't look like this:

 

Brodi Ashton. Her cheeks arrive 15 minutes before she does.

Anywho, there's a chance I'm overthinking the whole thing. Really, I just want to get it over with. Anyone have any advice? Anyone know how to apply blush so that my chest looks flatter?

Maybe I'll just go with the caption: "Objects in picture are smaller than they appear. I promise."

What would the captions of your own pictures read?

My Year in Review: Publishing Highs and Lows, and How Much I owe to the Booby Jar

2010 in Review and by the numbers

Number of separate hits on my blog: 23,928

From: 120 Countries

Most hits: USA

Most surprising hits: Yemen (?)

(My goal to target Yemeni readers: check!)

Strangest search entries that actually led to serious time on my blog:

"Brodi Ashton Walmart Marshmallow Peeps"

"Brodi Ashton Booby Jar"

"Jacob's Abs"

"Bodyguards in Pakistan"

"Naked Mondays"

"Saggy Bladder"

Some of these make total sense. I did spend a fair amount of time blogging about Jacob's abs. (Specifically the left one, third from the top. It was beautiful.)

And I did blog once about a saggy bladder. And Naked Mondays. And I blogged extensively about my bodyguard in Pakistan.

Okay, sadly each of these makes sense. 

Number of times I posted on a Tuesday: 1 (Today!)

Publishing highs:

Signing with my new agent. (Hi Michael!)

(Michael "You Could Sell his Smile on the Internet for Money" Bourret and me)

Selling my book. (Hi Kristin!)

Number of Book Launches I attended: a plethora

Authors at those book launches:

Bree Despain (The Lost Saint- party tonight!)

Ally Condie (Matched)

James Dashner (The Scorch Trials)

Matt Kirby (The Clockwork Three)

Kiersten White (Paranormalcy)

Sarah Williams (Palace Beautiful)

Kami Garcia and Margie Stohl (Beautiful Darkness)

Number of quarters I owe to the booby jar (as a penalty for using the word "booby"): 486

Number of posts about my secret lover Rafa: 10

He's not impressed.

Number of conferences I attended:3

(Emily, Bree, Brodi and Sydney Salter at the SCBWI conference in L.A.)

Number of times I danced the Love Shack with M.T. Anderson: once (I'm sure he'll be blogging about it too, in his own "year in review")

Number of rejections I received throughout the year: 486 (at least, it felt like that)

Number of times I thought getting published was just a pipe dream: loads

Number of times I wondered what, exactly, is a pipe dream: once (like right now. What does that mean? anyone? Does it mean my dream was stuck in a pipe, right next to a hairball?)

Number of days my book was on submission to editors before we got an offer: 2 

Number of times I was pretending to take notes in church, when really I was writing my book: 52.  (There are 52 Sundays in a year, right?)

Number of Thursdays spent writing at Borders with Bree Despain and Emily Wing Smith: 40

Number of times in any given day Sam and I just look at each other and say, "I can't believe the book is going to be an actual book.": at least 3

Number of times in any given day I declare my undying love for my agent: at least 3

Number of times Sam rolls his eyes at me: countless

Number of times I'm grateful for blog readers who've stuck with me for another year: let me count the ways.

I'm taking the rest of the week off. See you next year!!

What NOT to Say as an Introductory Tweet, Apparently

So, after the book deal was announced, my critique partner Bree Despain sent out a Tweet, telling her followers to follow me. She must be very powerful, because immediately I got like a hundred new followers. Bree said something like, "You'll love her. She's hilarious."

That made me nervous. I had all these new followers, and now Bree was promising them I'd be hilarious. I never feel unfunnier (less funny?) than when someone says stuff like that.  I felt like the new people were sitting around, watching Twitter, going, "Okay, Brodi, do something funny."

*Side note: I've typed "funny" so many times now, that it's starting to not look like a real word, but more an amalgam of "fluffy bunny".

So, just to give people a taste of what it will really be like to follow me, I sent this tweet:

Wow. Lot's of new followers. Hi! Here's an introductory tweet: I have a strange zit on my bellybutton. Who knew that was even possible?

I think I instantly lost 50 of the new followers, (one even tweeted about how bellybuttons make her uncomfortable, and I'm thinking, "Why? At least 99% of people have them. The uncomfortable part should be that there's a zit on the bellybutton, not the button itself.") and Bree sent a follow-up tweet:  

I send you new followers and you start tweeting about bellybutton zits???

*added: she also added "That's why I love you."

The truth is, I didn't want anyone's expectations to be too high. I thought my tweet was a typical example of what I have in the brains, and a good chance to say, "If you like the tweet, there's more where that came from. If not, get out now."

Because if there's anything I truly hate, it's failing to meet expectations. So let's lower that bar, people. You know the saying, "Aim for the stars. You're bound to hit the moon." Let's amend that to "Aim for the roof of my house. Perhaps even the tops of the trees. Hope we don't get caught in the branches. Then we can be pleasantly surprised if we clear the trees."

Who's with me? May I please have a holler? (I can't speak street, let alone type it.)

I had a great time at Matt Kirby's book launch last night. I'll give a full report of the event on Monday. (But I'd appreciate it if you'd only expect half a report, and then you can be pleasantly surprised when I post the full one.)

What are y'all up to this weekend? I've got soccer games up to my ears, and then my mom's making soup. Mmmmmm.....

Win a Signed Copy of The Dark Divine, My Favorite Writing Conference, and the Rafa-Agent Ted Connection

I'm giving away a signed copy of Bree Despain's THE DARK DIVINE today! All you need to do is comment, and answer a question. Find out at the bottom.

1. WIFYR Conference

One of the best writing conferences I've ever been to was the Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers down at BYU.

This year, the conference will be held June 14-18, but the location has changed (it's in Sandy) and registration is now up. Click here to register.

The lineup of faculty is illustrious, including BFF Emily Wing Smith teaching the beginning/intermediate writing class.

If you are writing a novel, or thinking about writing one, I would recommend her class with all my heart. (I happen to know many of the classes are filling up fast, and seating for the workshops is limited.)

I also know of several people who have found their agents and publishers at the conference.

2. Rafa and Ted: They're like twins

The Australian Open started this week, and y'all know what that means...

Tis the season for this:

...this too:

(Rafa, laughing hysterically)

But last week I found out about one of the downsides to blogging about Rafa too much. (There aren't that many downsides, so I was surprised I found even one).

Bree Despain and I were trying to find a picture of our agent "Ted" and so we put his full name in quotes and then Google-Imaged him. And up popped this:

(Rafa. Not Agent Ted.)

Updated: Real pic of Ted

I thought, "That's weird. When I type in my agent's name, I get my absolute favorite tennis player in the world and my (not so) secret crush." What are the chances?

And I suddenly had this sinking feeling, could this be something I caused? Have I somehow, in the far reaches of the interweb universe, connected the two? Talk about unprofessional behavior on my part.

Then I looked at the web site that popped up with the picture. It was Bree Despain's. Ha ha. Totally not my fault. Bree Despain has linked Rafa to agent Ted.

Best. Day. Ever.

And personally, I think both Rafa and Agent Ted would be honored.

3. So, to enter the contest:

Leave a comment and tell me anything embarrassing or inappropriate you've done over the internet. Comments that had you up at night? Pictures meant for someone's eyes only? Sent your agent a tiny microscopic version of your manuscript?

If you are one of the lucky few who has done nothing embarrassing on the internet, you can leave a comment about Rafa.

As long as the comment is not: "Rafa is a poser", because my brother in-law said that yesterday at lunch. And he hasn't been seen since.