10 Rules Every Aspiring Author Needs to Know... aka How to get Published and Make Friends

I often get asked for advice for aspiring writers. Today you are in luck. I have compiled my best advice into what can only be described as the next Ten Commandments.

The TEN GOLDEN RULES of Becoming an Author.

1. Writing a book is about intent. Don't stress putting words on Paper.

Everyone wants to write a book. The difference is, those who actually do don't worry about it. If you have to make any sacrifices in your life (housekeeping, family, television), it's not worth it. Maybe it's not meant for you.

Every author I know said writing the book just happened one day, when they weren't paying attention. Just like people finally find love when they stop actively looking for it, your book will get written when you stop thinking about it.

2. Editing your own manuscript is for sissies. 

Seriously, what do you think editors are for? If you revise too much, there will be nothing left for the publisher to do, and therefore they will become obsolete. Do you really want to put editors out of work?

As a related note, critique groups clutter your life. Constructive criticism is just another way to say someone doesn't understand creative genius.

3. Tell everyone about your book. But make sure they know your idea is copyrighted.

Talking about your one-of-a-kind, no-one's-ever-seen-anything-like-this-before story to everyone you encounter is just as important as writing it. In fact, it's more important. Plus, it's really interesting for the person listening, even if that person is a stranger on a bus.

(Have a non-disclosure agreement ready to sign, especially if the person is the type that would steal brilliant ideas.)

4. Acknowledge the stupidity of the books already published in your genre.

It's important to point out the flaws of every other author who's published in your genre, for two reasons:

a- to prove to everyone you are better

b- to educate the author. How else will they know how much they suck if there aren't people like us to inform and enlighten?

5. Make that first query count, because it's probably your only shot.

Find the perfect agent for you, and make sure your query is the best it can be, because if you receive that first rejection, you might as well assume no one will ever like your book, and it's time to throw in the towel.

6. Respond to rejections, preferably within the first ten minutes after receiving the rejection. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

On the off chance you do receive a rejection, have a rebuttle ready. Agents need a dose of reality. If they're stupid enough to reject your manuscript, they're probably too stupid to live. Point this out. You'd be doing the sad sack a favor.

7. Present your list of demands up front.

Once you do get a phone call from your dream agent, make sure he knows how lucky he is. Think back to rule #2, and steer the conversation accordingly.

Also, make sure the potential agent knows your expectations, which should be as follows:

a. At least a six-figure advance.

b. Simultaneous movie rights.

c. Creative control over the cover. (After all, you did that that one graphic design class in high school.)

If he can't promise these things, red flags should pop up. You could probably do better self-publishing. It's okay to threaten this action on the initial phone call too. 

As a side note, reply to every email with "Remember, you work for me. And I can fire you at any time." In fact, make it your email signature. People in publishing need to know you are someone to take seriously.

If you've made it this far, congratulations. But really, did you expect anything else? It's just proof that someone out there in the publishing world is paying attention to genius.

Moving on to: Submission

8. Immediate submission is the norm.

Once you've decided on an agent, you should plan to submit within 24-hours. Anything longer means your agent is probably lazy. 

Accordingly, once you've submitted to editors, you should expect to hear something within 48 hours. Again, anything longer and your agent isn't doing his job.

9. Revision letters are just another chance for your editor to tell you she loves you.

After you've sold your book in a multi-book million dollar deal, you will get your first revision letter. Revision letters come in three varieties:

a- There's the "I love your book" letter, in which your editor expresses her gratitude for allowing her to buy your book.

b- There's the "Can you come to New York immediately and teach us how to cultivate your brilliance?" This letter is pretty self-explanatory. Remember, the trip will be on the publisher's dime.

c- Finally, there's the "This letter is to inform you we are going directly to print" letter.

If your letter does not fit in one of the above categories, you should assume your editor hates you, and hates your book even more. 

10.  You make the world go around.

As a final piece of advice, never forget that it's all about you. Every morning is a new opportunity to ask yourself, and those around you, "What have you done for me lately?"

If they can't provide a sufficient answer, drop them. You don't need that crap.

If you liked this blog post, feel free to drop me a line. If you didn't, you obviously don't recognize genius.

*In case I need to say this, happy April Fool's Day. Love to you all.

Yes, Write what you Know, but also, Write what you DON'T KNOW: Some backstory to EVERNEATH

Wanna hear something crazy?


EVERNEATH was not my first attempt at a book. It wasn't even my first finished book.


I completed EVERNEATH about 7 years after my first attempt, which was a really stupid chick-lit novel, about a woman who has a baby and thinks her life is over. (Kid C had just been born, but that totally didn't have anything to do with it.) The main character sat in a corner and cried a lot, occasionally sneaking sideways glances at the nuclear device across the room, otherwise known as a baby.

Me, wondering about a return policy.

I never finished the book, because in my mind, there was only one logical conclusion: The device goes off, everyone dies. And who says chick-lit has run its course? 


I was writing what I knew, and what I knew was Post partum depression. Of course, at the time, I didn't know it was "post partum depression". I thought it was "Why didn't everyone tell me my life would suck after children? Is this like the best kept secret, because misery loves company?"


I got help.


Three years later, I had two children, and I thought for sure any attempt to write would be lost among diapers and baby bottles. 

If we'd had a third, I totally could've fit all three in here.

But then, like most people, I adapted. I found minutes here and there, stuck between the couch cushions, behind the toaster, hidden in my husband's sock drawer. The more minutes I found, the more I strung them together until I had a routine. (Also, I stopped cooking. Never looked back). 


And out of that routine, I wrote my very first book. And completed it! I loved my little book, and I knew my little book and I were going to go far. 


No, it wasn't EVERNEATH. 


Again, I wrote about what I knew. My first book was about a snarky, blond-haired, teenage school reporter, who also happened to moonlight as an alien-hunter. Besides the teenage part and the alien-hunter part, the character was me. Or at least, my voice. So easy to write. Just like writing this blog. 


I revised and revised and soon I found an agent. Then we revised and revised, and submitted my book. 


And here's where everything stalled. Kiersten White had a great post on this the other day, where she likened the process to two diverging lines at Disneyland. You never know how fast... or how slow... your line is going to go.

Everyone wants the same thing: to get on the boat! And get published.

I watched as some of my friends, who were at about the same point in their careers as me, shot to the front, hopped on the ride, and proceeded directly to the moon, where they lassoed the stars and brought them from the heavens to replace their porch lights.


While my book floundered. 


I met Richard Peck at the SCBWI L.A. conference almost two years ago, and he asked me what I was doing while I was waiting to hear back from editors. 


I answered enthusiastically, lying out of my arse. "I'm writing the next book, of course!"


The problem was, every book I wrote sounded exactly like my first book: same plucky teenage heroine, who kicks-a while simultaneously making witty comments.


Sam said to me one day, after reading some of my work, "You're never going to be able to write a different character."


And I was all, "But I want to write about a strong female!"


Sam: "Are snark and pluck the only things that make a female strong?" 


To me, them there were fightin' words. Partially because I like to fight, but partially because he was right. 


I thought of the opposite of that first character. Maybe a dark-haired, broken girl, who sometimes doesn't have the right things to say. Maybe her strength isn't as easy to pinpoint at first. Maybe it comes from somewhere besides the funny bone. Maybe it comes from a dark place. 


Maybe she wasn't always like this, but she'd been through something unspeakable.


The question was: what had she been through?


And that's how EVERNEATH was started: as an exercise to prove my husband wrong (which is reward enough in itself), a challenge to test myself, a concerted effort to WRITE WHAT I DON'T KNOW.


The more I pushed against my own boundaries as a writer, the more I realized that maybe this wasn't just an exercise. I fell in love with the book, and after my first book crashed and burned in submission hell, I couldn't wait to go through it all again with EVERNEATH.


And that love would be tested. Without going into too much detail, at one point I had to choose between my faith in EVERNEATH, and my first agent. Never underestimate the importance of finding an agent who is passionate, PASSIONATE, about your book.


Maybe there's no better test for your bond to a book. I parted ways with my original agent (yes, I died a little) and found my better half Michael Bourret, who saw the same quiet strength in Nikki that I saw. And he just might be a brother from another mother.

Michael Bourret. He likes me and my book, just the way we are.

So, yeah, my particular Disneyland line hit a few twists and turns, and the occasional land mine, but in the end, it was MY line. I own it. 


Those of you who are in line (and aren't we all?) own your line. OWN YOUR LINE. Write what you know. And sometimes, write what you don't know. See where it takes you. Try not to pay attention to other lines.


You'll never shed your skin if you don't stretch it. 


So, what are your lines like? Any twists and turns you'd like to share?  

My Year in Review: Publishing Highs and Lows, and How Much I owe to the Booby Jar

2010 in Review and by the numbers

Number of separate hits on my blog: 23,928

From: 120 Countries

Most hits: USA

Most surprising hits: Yemen (?)

(My goal to target Yemeni readers: check!)

Strangest search entries that actually led to serious time on my blog:

"Brodi Ashton Walmart Marshmallow Peeps"

"Brodi Ashton Booby Jar"

"Jacob's Abs"

"Bodyguards in Pakistan"

"Naked Mondays"

"Saggy Bladder"

Some of these make total sense. I did spend a fair amount of time blogging about Jacob's abs. (Specifically the left one, third from the top. It was beautiful.)

And I did blog once about a saggy bladder. And Naked Mondays. And I blogged extensively about my bodyguard in Pakistan.

Okay, sadly each of these makes sense. 

Number of times I posted on a Tuesday: 1 (Today!)

Publishing highs:

Signing with my new agent. (Hi Michael!)

(Michael "You Could Sell his Smile on the Internet for Money" Bourret and me)

Selling my book. (Hi Kristin!)

Number of Book Launches I attended: a plethora

Authors at those book launches:

Bree Despain (The Lost Saint- party tonight!)

Ally Condie (Matched)

James Dashner (The Scorch Trials)

Matt Kirby (The Clockwork Three)

Kiersten White (Paranormalcy)

Sarah Williams (Palace Beautiful)

Kami Garcia and Margie Stohl (Beautiful Darkness)

Number of quarters I owe to the booby jar (as a penalty for using the word "booby"): 486

Number of posts about my secret lover Rafa: 10

He's not impressed.

Number of conferences I attended:3

(Emily, Bree, Brodi and Sydney Salter at the SCBWI conference in L.A.)

Number of times I danced the Love Shack with M.T. Anderson: once (I'm sure he'll be blogging about it too, in his own "year in review")

Number of rejections I received throughout the year: 486 (at least, it felt like that)

Number of times I thought getting published was just a pipe dream: loads

Number of times I wondered what, exactly, is a pipe dream: once (like right now. What does that mean? anyone? Does it mean my dream was stuck in a pipe, right next to a hairball?)

Number of days my book was on submission to editors before we got an offer: 2 

Number of times I was pretending to take notes in church, when really I was writing my book: 52.  (There are 52 Sundays in a year, right?)

Number of Thursdays spent writing at Borders with Bree Despain and Emily Wing Smith: 40

Number of times in any given day Sam and I just look at each other and say, "I can't believe the book is going to be an actual book.": at least 3

Number of times in any given day I declare my undying love for my agent: at least 3

Number of times Sam rolls his eyes at me: countless

Number of times I'm grateful for blog readers who've stuck with me for another year: let me count the ways.

I'm taking the rest of the week off. See you next year!!

Call me! (I'm talking to you... Yes, you!) Writers, join us for a conference call to learn about Breaking into the Business, and other stuff

Hey y'all.

Would you like to have a conference call with me? One where you don't even have to do the talking?

If yes, read further.

If no, then please don't tell me.*

*because I don't think my fragile ego could take the rejection right now. Then I have to wonder why you're reading my blog if you don't want to have a conference call with me... is it my voice? My frizzy hair? My big butt? Tell me!

Those of you who answered,Yes...

...have I got some news for you! Mark your calendars for December 16th at 9:00 EST. (That's tomorrow, for those of you less calendarically inclined).

Many of you are familiar with my critique group The SIX (we are ranked in order of most to least crazy in the sidebar, although there's been some discussion as to a revote to usurp the current number one. Which is me). 

We've been asked to participate in a conference call for writers, where we will be discussing things like:

How we got our agents

Stories of our roads to publication

Query tips

Getting the most out of our critique groups

Which conferences are worth attending

etc.

All you have to do is call in, and you can listen to our group (along with F.O.B. Robin Weeks as moderator) which includes authors: 

Emily Wing Smith

whose new book Back When You Were Easier to Love comes out in April with Dutton (Penguin).

Bree Despain

whose book The Lost Saint (the sequel to The Dark Divine) comes out December 28th.

And me!

EVERNEATH

(Okay, so apparently I have a little bit of cover envy)

Also, Kimberly Webb Reid, whose agent is submitting her book to editors...

and Valynne Nagamatsu and Sara Bolton, both of whom are excellent writers, crit partners, and played integral parts in my own (and everybody's) road to publication.

This is your chance to hear just how high and nasally my voice can be! (I always have nightmares that HarperCollins cancels the contract when they hear my voice for the first time). 

The instructions on how to participate can be found on author David Farland's Author Advisory site.  (Really, it involves dialing a number. You can even raise your hand and ask a question by pressing 5*).

I'm very excited because this is the first time anyone's asked me to do anything! So please listen in, and ask a question, because I don't want to look like a total dork sitting on the phone, talking about the super-weird piece of bellybutton lint I recently found. Which is what I will talk about if there are no questions.

Because, if a conference call takes place in a forest, will the tree even fall down?

Something to think about today.

So, who will be there? And if you're not going to be there, what's everyone up to this week? What can I buy an 8-year-old boy for Christmas? 

*Added:
I'm just going to post the instructions here, because they're so easy. Call tomorrow night at 9 pm EST.


1: At the appointed time, dial
1-218-862-7200
(long distance charges may apply, depending on your phone plan)

2: Enter the Conference Code: 245657

3: To raise your hand and ask a question, dial 5*

4: To Mute yourself, dial 4*

My Monday Top Five: Including an Agent with Superpowers, and the answer to Which Jane Austen Character am I?

Hey y'all. Here are the top five things going on in my noggin:

1. From Old/old/new to old/new/new to new/new/new.

So, I think it was pretty obvious that although people liked the clean lines of the old/new blog, it left them with a cold, sterile, lemon-juice-in-a-papercut-ish kind of feeling. 

Although that's how I feel about the writing life in general, I would hate for people to think they needed a bandaid after reading my blog.

Blogs should be harmless. Not jagged. It's sort of a general rule.

So, I present to you, the warmer, gentler new/new blog. What do you think?

2. I also worked on a Frequently Asked Questions tab. Let me know what questions I'm missing! I'd like to get a big-ole long list about anything to do with me, publishing, queries, agents, shoe sizes etc.

3. I took the "Which Jane Austen Character are You?" quiz over at fellow Apocalypsie Gretchen McNeil's blog. 

I came up with Elinor Dashwood. 

Strangely, she's the only Jane Austen character I never really identified with. I know everyone wants to be Elizabeth Bennett, but I really wanted to be Anne Elliot. 

She is my favorite Austen heroine- serene and dependable. Which, I guess, answers the question of why I didn't score her.

4. Did you notice how I used a strange word "Apocalypsie" in that last one? The apocalypsies are a group of children's authors who are debuting in the year 2012. Get it? 

I think our slogan is "Read 'em like there's no tomorrow". The problem is, when I used to dream of being published, I was sure the world would end before my book came out. 

Now this all sounds a little too ominous. When people ask me, "When's your book coming out?" I have a habit of answering, "Winter 2012. If... we make it that far. [crossing fingers] Here's hoping!"

5. Speaking of ominous, my deadline is 9 short days away, and I'll admit I'm a little stressed. I try not to show it, but the other day I responded to an email my agent sent me with this:

"Okay. Great."

One minute later, my phone rang. It was my agent. He told me my email arrived in his inbox practically bleeding stress. It made a mess of his computer, and shorted out a few wires. They had to call hazmat crews over to deal with the toxic disaster.

To him, my email looked like this:

Okay.

S.O.S. If I don't get this stupid scene written, I'm going to commit suicide by friction, because I think that would be the absolute worst way to go, even worse than freezing to death, or being burned alive. Send help. Send chocolate.

Great.

Thank the heavens for an agent who can read between the lines, and talk me down from the edge.

So, what's everyone up to? Who is your favorite Jane Austen heroine? Can you think of anything worse than death by friction?

Revision Tip #3: How Ready are You when it comes to Revising with an Agent? (Multiple Choice Quiz)

Hey y'all. So, this isn't exactly a revision tip, but it has to do with after the revision. I have prepared a multiple choice test for you, to see how ready you are to deal with an agent who gives you revision assignments. If you find yourself stumped, think "W-W-B-D: What Would Brodi Do" and then do something else. Anything else.

*Yes, these are real life examples

**Yes, Michael Bourret is a patient man/agent.

Before you've signed with an agent...

When your potential favorite agent schedules a phone call (you know... THE OFFER CALL),  you:

a. Answer the phone after the first ring

b. Answer the phone before it even rings

c. Don't answer the first time. Blow dry your hair instead. It's okay to play hard-to-get; Agents like that. They like to have to work hard to contact you. This lets the agent know you will be hard to contact in the future. (Which, as you'll read below, is totally true)

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you decide to accept said agent's offer, you:

a. Call him to let him know.

b. Send one email, thanking him for his offer, and accepting it.

c. Send two emails: one thanking him for his offer and accepting it, the next one freaking out that maybe he really wasn't offering you representation, and the OFFER CALL was really just a chat (because agents like to call writers, just to chat, even if they don't like your work) and you misunderstood the entire thing, and if that's the case, he should disregard the first email, because no matter what happens, you don't want to look stupid.

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When your revisions are due, you:

a. Send in the correct revised version

b. Ask for an extension

c. Send in the old version, tell him it's the revised version... and it's totally not okay because he's gonna re-read the entire thing because the most noticeable change comes at the end. So yeah, he wasted his time re-reading the exact same manuscript in its entirety before he realized, "hey, nothing's different."

Answer: A. or even B's okay. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you have to reschedule the revision phone call, because the agent has to have some extra time to read the actual revised version, you:

a. Set up a time convenient for both you and your agent.

b. Make sure your phone is charged.

c. Find the most remote island in the Pacific Northwest, where the hotelier looks at you like you're insane when you have the nerve to ask, "Do you get cell reception here?" and then promptly go to that island to await the call.

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you send an email to your agent, asking him to call you at your hotel instead of your cell phone (because it's totally believable you're the one person in the continental U.S. who can't get reception), you:

a. Call him instead, because that would be easiest.

b. Send him the number to the hotel, with your room number, and ask him to call you.

c. Send him the wrong number to the hotel, with no instructions how to reach your room, and ask him to figure it out. Because it's good form to test your agent's resourcefulness, and you always want to start out your phone calls with the agent saying these words: "In the future, if you have to give this hotel number to others, here's the correct number..."

Answer: A. or B. Not C, because that's what I did.

When you're up late at night, and the self-doubt creeps in, you:

a. Discuss it with your significant other, because he/she can't leave you, because he/she knew what he/she was getting into when he/she got involved with you.

b. Take an extra sleeping pill, and tell yourself it's best to sleep on it. You'll have your wits about you in the morning.

c. Compose a crazy a** email that showcases your neuroses, because hey, you do your best writing at midnight. Address said email to your agent, with the subject line: "Aaaaaaaccccckkkkkk!"

You can probably guess which one I chose, prompting me to make myself one of these:

Six days without incident and counting...

So, how did y'all do on the quiz? At least you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that there's always someone out there who did it crazier than you. I, unfortunately, can take no such comfort.

Meet my New Agent!

So, this is the post I've been dying to write!

I just signed with an agent. His name is Michael Bourret, he lives in L.A., and he's a Sagittarius. Just kidding, I don't know what he is. But I'm so excited. 

The Story:

I had several full manuscripts out there. (If you query an agent with a one-page letter, and they're interested, they might ask to see the full manuscript). Then about a week ago, I got a phone call from a great agent who wanted to offer representation. 

The next step (after you jump up and down and scream at the top of your lungs, to the point where the neighbors are calling the police) is to alert all the agents who have fulls, and tell them you have an offer so they have a chance to respond. Like a week or so.

The last time I did this, nobody else responded. So I was sort of expecting the same thing, even though it's a different book. 

Anywho, the crazy thing is, almost every agent who had the full ended up offering representation. Pure madness. 

So then I had a choice. A good choice, but a stressful choice. I lost five pounds in a week, which is weird because I made a concerted effort to only eat chocolate. 

I thought, what are the things I'm looking for in an agent?

1. Someone with whom I get along with good. (Hey, I never said I was a good writer). 

Problem: I spoke to every one of them on the phone. Got along great. Planned family barbecues together and trips to the coast in the summer.

2. Someone who knows his/her stuff.

Problem: They all did. They were even eloquent about it. Not a dangling participle or wandering gerund among them. 

3. Someone who's passionate about the book. 

Problem: They all were. They spoke of the characters as if they were actual people, which makes me feel less weird when I'm alone in my house and I'm carrying on conversations with my characters.

In the end, I had to go with my gut, and my gut was telling me to go with Michael. (Of course, it might've been all that chocolate I'd inhaled. But even if it was, I always listen to chocolate. It's just common sense.)

 

Michael is part of Dystel and Goderich Literary Agency, and he represents stellar authors such as Sara Zarr, Lisa McMann, James Dashner and Emily Wing Smith. 

(Michael Bourret. He and his smile are available for writing conferences.)

I hope he knows what he's gotten himself into, taking me on.