Friday, July 9, 2010

My Recap of the Eclipse Movie For Dummies

The Eclipse Movie in 12 Easy Steps:


1.  In the beginning, Edward proposes to Bella, interrupting her beautiful recitation of a poem in the meadow. Or it might have been her math homework. I'm not sure. I couldn't understand her.
(He proposes every other line in the movie, so if you miss it the first time, don't worry.)

2. Jacob, Bella's spurned other man/wolf, confronts them in the parking lot, accusing Edward of lying to Bella. He tells Bella he's no longer talking to her and he doesn't want her in his life. She must have misheard, because she hops on his motorcycle and takes off.  Apparently this high school is the optional kind.
3. Edward promptly forgets he just watched her ride off with Jacob, and spends the time pacing so hard his eyes turn black. When she gets back, he's all, "Do you know how worried I've been? Where were you?" and she's all, "Derh, didn't you see me ride off?" 

4. She forgives him, and he proposes again.

5. Charlie's worried about Bella's relationship with Edward, and so he begs her to connect with her old friends, who are all totally lame because they don't have superpowers, especially Jessica because she totally harshed on Bella for riding off with a scary-motorcycle guy just so she could see the ghost of the vampire who ditched her. You call that friendship?

 6. Meanwhile, some redheaded chick (not Victoria, because Victoria's all fierce, and this girl is all doe-eyed) is running through their forest, looking like she's lost.

7. In a giant step for equal rights everywhere, Edward gives Bella permission to see her friend Jacob. Bella and Jacob reconnect, ending their fight, and reaffirming that Jacob does, indeed, drive a motorcycle.

Again, it's okay if you missed it the first time. 

8. Meanwhile, the werewolves stand around looking awkward.

(Okay, so what are we supposed to do with our hands?)

9. The red-headed non-Victoria chick is birthing newborn vamps for a war with the Cullens. We know a big fight's coming, because the Cullens are all dressed alike in their team uniforms.

10. Jasper (looking slightly better since he lost his ringlets from New Moon) teaches everyone how to fight Newborn Vampires, because he was in the Civil War, which everyone knows was fought between the North and the Newborns.

(Jasper and Alice, demonstrating the best way to take them down is to hug them in the middle.)


9. They have plenty of time to frolic in the woods, because the Newborns can't possibly cross the river... Oh crap!

10. A big fight ensues, but don't worry, because Edward took Bella to the safest place possible. Bora Bora? No. Provo, Utah? Of course not. He takes her to the mountain top, in a tent, where he's surprised the sub-zero temperatures mean it will be cold. But at least she's far away from the fight. By like a hundred yards. And everyone knows vamps aren't that fast.

11. Bella's lips are turning black, but never fear, because Jacob's there to warm her up, and we finally have the answer to the love triangle: a threesome in the tent. Everyone's happy. As proof, Bella kisses Jacob and Edward's okay with that.

12. Everything's fine until Edward accidentally blabs that he and Bella are engaged. To make sure the message sinks in with Jacob, Carlisle breaks all of Jacob's bones, while the werewolves stand outside looking awkward.

... and they all lived happily ever after.

19 comments:

  1. Thanks for the laugh, Brodi! That was an awesome recap! You brought to light everything that I tried to suppress just so I could enjoy the movie. ;)

    PS - I liked Jasper's hair better in Twilight and New Moon. But, now that I've seen the movie twice, his hair in Eclipse is growing on me, sort of.

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  2. Jenni- I loved Jasper's hair in Twilight, hated it in New Moon, liked it better in Eclipse.

    And in case it doesn't show, I loved the movie, and I'll probably see it again!

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  3. That review was so good, I won't even point out that it's two days late!!! (Oh....)

    There were certainly parts that only make sense if you've read the books and know what they cut out. "Werewolves are dangerous, Bella! You can't see them! You can't go with them! You can't be around them! ...Okay, I'll see you when you get back from your bike ride with Jacob!" Of course, Bella's motivation there is even worse "I'm so mad at you, Jacob! Why have you been ignoring me! Why, I'm so mad, I'm going to just climb on the back of your bike in front of my uber-protective boyfriend who knows exactly how much you like me so we can go on a ride together and discuss how mad I am!"

    Best Twilight movie so far, though. :) Any chance you planned to watch it again in an Idaho theatre?

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  4. I'm pretty sure I should have just paid you my money and skipped the movie.

    No no this one was ok.

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  5. Now I definitely don't have to see it. Your version was much better and funnier anyway.

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  6. Lovely post...that is about how I felt about the movie. But I need to see it again. Can you believe I have only been once? What is the matter with me?

    However...I have to dispute that Japer's hair looks better. He looks like a FREAKING HOMO!!!! Google Kelly McGillis Top Gun and tell me he does not have the EXACT hairdo of a lesbian in denial!!!!!!

    BARF!!! I hated him and I hated his hair. Why does everyone talk about Jasper anyway...what about Emmett? Really? Where is the Emmett love? I guess everyone else has bad taste but me :)

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  7. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT!!!

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  8. Robin- You weren't supposed to notice I didn't blog on Wednesday!

    Debbie- I'm seeing it again for sure.

    Mary- Glad I could save you the 8 bucks. (9.50 with service charge)

    Cam- When are you gonna come out of your shell and tell me what you really think?

    Sam- No take backs!

    Everyone- I just noticed I counted to 12 wrong. Why didn't anyone tell me?

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  9. Haha, your recaps always make me laugh! I'm glad you mentioned the mysterious new redhead who also happened to be named Victoria. What was up with that? I mean, what could be her motivation for hurting Bella, right?

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  10. LOL I didn't notice the numbering problem until you pointed it out.

    I'm with Mary, your recap is better. I don't need to see the movie.:)

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  11. You miscounted?

    I loved your recap, although you missed one glaring annoyance...why is it that Rosalie..the natural uber-blond bombshell has black furry eyebrows? Is it just me or should they have their own character billing in the credits?

    Eclipse was my favorite book, it was great to see it on the big screen and I thought it was an overall improvement over the previous two.

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  12. I just hope the third show is better than the second. I can't believe I had Dave come see that movie with me and my girlfriends. He still won't let me forget...It's on his list as the worst movie he's ever been to. So thanks for the recap. I'll just have Dave read it and then I'll go to the movies with my girlfriends sans Dave. (Guys just don't get it).

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  13. Ha-ha! I didn't even notice the numbering, though, because I was laughing to hard. Especially about what the werewolves are supposed to do with their hands. SUCH an awkward picture! And now I don't feel quite so behind because I haven't seen it.

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  14. Due to me being in school for my second masters (six weeks straight of classes from 7a-5p) I have yet to see it. Soooo, this was extremely helpful in letting me know what I have missed. Thanks for the helping the rest of us out Brodi :) Oh, and I too love the pack pic of standing around. Aren't they wolves? Shouldn't they be scratching themselves or something with their hands? Wait, that just sounded dirty.

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  15. Lulabell- I know! Why did they replace that other chick?

    Britt- I don't know if it's better, but it is shorter.

    Una- Rosalie's eyebrows were driving me nuts too! Especially in the flashback scenes. I'm thinking, why isn't anybody noticing this?

    p.s. Edward's are pretty bad too.

    Erin- Maybe guys do get it, and it's us who don't... nah.

    Jenilyn- To be honest, I'd look pretty awkward topless.

    Jo- Two Masters degrees? One not enough for you? You amaze me. All I do is sit around, analyzing other people's movies...

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  16. You just saved me 3 hours! I think you should start your own line of Cliff Notes.

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  17. Brodi you are my comedy hero. ;)

    I really did like this movie a lot too!

    And like you said I thought Jasper looked the best in Twilight!

    But thank GOODNESS for a MUCH better wig on Rosalee, although, come on people, can't you attempt to make her eyebrows just a TITCH lighter? Very few people with natural blonde hair have black bushy eyebrows.

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  18. Now if anyone asks I can say I don't need to see the movie because I read Brodie's re-cap. The best, lol.

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  19. Gosh, I probably don't even need to bother seeing it now! :) Love the recap.

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