Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The One Where Sam and Brodi Find Themselves Among the Nude

Did I ever tell you the one about the topless beach?

The other night, Cousin W was asking us if we knew of any fab topless beaches. Unfortunately, I do.

So, a couple years after we were married, Sam had business in the Canary Islands. Being the thoughtful wife that I am, I insisted on accompanying him on his dull business travels.

The Canary Islands are off the western coast of Africa. They are like Hawaii for the European crowd.

We had heard a little about the clothing-challenged European beaches, and we were prepared. (Not prepared, as in naked, by the way. Prepared, as in there was no way I was gonna allow Sam even one glimpse of the beautiful Euro-ladies). I told Sam he would have to close his eyes while I led him to our spot, and then he was only allowed to stare at the ocean.

But as we were wandering among the topless hordes, I soon realized these were not gorgeous European Ladies. It was more like all of our Grandma's got together, and decided to play some strip poker.

And then I noticed the men. They looked naked, but that was only because their giant bellies hung well past their speedos.

To tell the truth, I looked like a model compared to the ladies, and Sam looked like a freakin' greek god.

So after a few minutes of leading Sam, who was dutifully covering his eyes, I was all, "Open up and take a gander, Sammy. Look as long as you want, at whomever you want."

We strutted our stuff all week.

Then the weekend hit. And it was like something out of a summer barbecue at the playboy mansion, with Sam playing the Hef, and me resembling Hef's mother, and everyone else starring in their own version of MTV's Spring Break, Cabo Style.

Yes, the beautiful people come out on the weekends.

So I did what any normal wife would do.

I chucked a handful of sand into Sam's eyes. Yeah, he'll now associate topless women with searing eye-pain.

Mission accomplished.


  1. Ah, the White sands of the Canary Islands. That was a fabulous trip with a bit of work and some fun in the sun.

    The nudie beach was entertaining to say the least and you explained it perfectly. I was seriously wishing that I had been wearing a speedo, because I was the MAN at that beach during the weekdays. I looked good. I shook my money maker and let the old crowd be impressed.

    And as you said, the weekend came and the beautiful people came out to play and I was suddenly pretty average. I did 'accidently' get in a few peeks of the crowd, but I felt bad immediately...and the sand in the eyes pretty much guaranteed that my viewing days were over.

  2. i KNEW i saw you guys there that weekend... I told Sherri, "look, it's Sam and Brodi...I'd recognize Sam's whiteness anywhere!" but she didn't believe me, and also threw sand in my face...

  3. ROFL!! i need to hit that beach on a weekday! (fully clothed btw!)

  4. wait wait so did you guys go nudie with the old people?

    ay carumba!

  5. Freaking hilarious! I encountered one of these "beaches" at a lake in Hungary. You forgot to mention all the non-shaving of armpits and legs that go along with toplessness.

  6. Nice move Brodie!!!! I love your stories.

  7. Oh P.S. I found some old english journals from our Churchill days in a box the others day and apparently you among many others helped me fill in the pages when I was a little behind during journalism class. back in the days of blue and bright pink paper.

  8. Kent- lol! I thought you looked familiar. But we weren't lookin' at faces that day...

    Dorien- Girls' trip.

    Shell- no, but we wore nude colored suits.

    Bree- :) I know, the hair!

  9. heather- As I say with anything I wrote as a teen, please disregard!

    Seriously, can you sent it along to me? scan it or something?

  10. Ohh-la-la!!! At least you have some good memories and stories to tell about it...even though you may be scarred for life!

  11. lol! nude colored suits

  12. What? You were at a nude beach in bathing suits! Cousin W (you can call me Wendy, I have no shame) is so disapointed! I have a feeling those "nude colored swimsuits" were see-through ;o)

    All I know is when me and Rex go to the nude beach this summer we will not be wearing nude colored, see through swimsuits! We will definitely be hanging out with the old people and enjoying their saggy bladders!

    I wish I could get this to let me upload a pic, I'd have to put up my beach pics with this post ;)