Monday, November 23, 2009

New Moon: My Official Report...

Happy Monday Before Thanksgiving!

1. Sorry to mention New Moon again, but I went to the Twilight Lexicon's party and showing on Saturday.

Before the showing, they held a drawing for all sorts of cool thingees: A robe from the movie, autographed CD's, and one of Jacob's abs. (That was the hardest gift to get).

The girl on my left won.

And then the girl on my right won. Me? Nothing.

The girl on my left (Emily) won a CD signed by Jackson Rathbone (Jasper) who didn't have a lot of screen time in the movie, presumably because he was off-set curling his hair.
("What do you mean one side is flat??!!")

Some of the stars showed up for the occasion. Hats off to the movie makeup team. These stars are all beautiful, but they look nothing like they did in the film.

The MC asked a bunch of fun questions, like:

* "Who here is team Edward? Who is team Jacob?"
After which the crowd broke into a riot over the fundamental difference between "Movie Edward" and "Book Edward" and "Movie Jacob" and "Book Jacob". The two lone men in the audience hid in a corner.

* "Who here read the book the earliest?"
A girl about two rows up from me raised her hand. She read the first book when Stephenie Meyer was just a toddler. Nobody could beat that.

On to the Movie:

I don't know if this is a spoiler or not, but Jacob has his shirt off a lot.
At one point in the movie, Bella -- under the delusion that a ghost Edward is almost as good as the real one -- crashes her motorcycle and cuts her forehead.
Jacob looks around. There is nothing to staunch the flow of blood. Nothing. No leaves, no dirt, no corner of his shirt, no sleeve, no hand, no long flowing hair, nothing in the world to stop the trickle of blood. So he has to rip his shirt off.
I have to wonder if Jacob's t-shirt was made of water proof nylon or something, because after all the trouble to rip it off and dab at Bella's cut, the shirt didn't seem to soak up one drop of blood.

In fact, it was difficult to find a picture of Jacob where he didn't have his shirt off. Here's one of those rare pics. If you can find your own, they are worth a fortune.
Also, if I had a nickel for every time a guy tells Bella "It's too dangerous for you to be near me" and "This is the last time you'll ever see me" and "So you've decided to eat again?" I'd be a rich woman.

(Rain doesn't bother dogs. Oh, wait...)

Bella has it rough this movie. She gets dumped by Edward, then she gets dumped by all of the Cullens, then she gets dumped by Jacob, then her Dad wants her to move to Florida... I don't know why. She is an absolute joy to be around.

Look: here she is at the neighborhood campout, roasting smores.

Sometimes she loves to just lounge around on the beach

And here she is going for a hike, loving nature. Only problem is, she tends to get lost, and somebody's gonna end up ripping off his shirt and carrying her to safety.

And here she is, making new friends with the pec pack. She's just so likable. Sam has to hold Paul back because he wants to hug her.

Sometimes if you turn your back for just a moment, she'll attempt to inhale sea water. So fun! And a big hit at parties.

And if you ask her on a date, you might end up in a threesome. Because that's how Bella rolls.

Here she is, almost kissing Jacob. She almost kisses him a lot. And what could be better than an almost kiss?

My New Moon Grade: A+

2. New Moon fever has hit our house too.

Sam left me this weekend. He said he was going shopping, but I was pretty sure I would never see him again, because his yellow eyes looked so sad, and his cheek cracked a little bit. So, I wandered into our backyard, spinning in circles and calling out his name.

I barely recognized our yard. Where there was once grass, in which Sam and I frolicked just months ago, there was now death. And snow. Okay, snow-covered death. The vine that had snaked its way into our basement was dead and gone. And snow-covered.

Despite our backyard being only 1/8 of an acre big, I got lost.

Kid B found me hours later. He ripped off his 4T t-shirt and carried me the three feet back inside my house.

3. I loved this! (via Alice Pope): Thirty-Four Ways New Moon the Movie Is Better Than New Moon the Book

So, what's everyone's plans for Thanksgiving? Going out of town? Staying in? I'll have a short blog on Wednesday, and then we're off to Sam's Ranch.


  1. I came back, I came back! Sheesh, I was only gone for 20 minutes to fill the car up with gas. I am glad that kid C found you.

    Thanks for the info on New Moon...but you left out the most important part, and the part that all of your blog readers want to know was Alice in it?

  2. Sam- You didn't keep your promise! You said you'd be 10 minutes. What else was I supposed to do?

    I'm not sure Alice was even in this one... sorry.

  3. I think this post is your finest! I am almost rolling on the floor laughing. It's hard to type!

  4. have fun at the ranch--

    our movie theater went WILD when jacob took his shirt off for bella after the "crash".

    i seriously have never laughed so hard!
    i LOVE all the "sound effects" from the audience--makes it so much more enjoyable!
    have fun at the ranch and Happy turkey day!

  5. Why would anyone want to find pictures of Jacob with his shirt on? Personally, I think he should have been shirtless the entire movie.

  6. Jenni- I just appreciate you not tossing your cookies on me during the carsick scene... way fun!

    Dorien- I think seeing the movie with the rabid fan base totally adds to the experience.

    Valynne- What movie were you watching? He DID have his shirt off the entire movie.

  7. I've always regretted that I didn't attend Carol and Cheri's breakout session at WIFYR in 2008. They talked about Twilight. Apparently there were people literally in tears as they screamed at each other. And now I've missed another fun Twilight meeting. Sigh.

    Actually, it's probably a lot funnier to hear your account of the party. And more commentary on the movie. I'm so going to have to see it. After I go pick me up some dramamine.

    Joel's wife is going to make a spoof of New Moon. I gather it's going to involve him running around without his shirt on. Be waiting for it on youtube!

  8. Jenilyn- Can't wait for the spoof! Let me know when it comes out.

  9. What you also didnt mention was the girl to your right right right won too (she won the cape) but she wasn't sitting down yet because she was helping me in front.

    I have to admit the second time I think the spinning made me sicker because I could see the entire screen this time. Last time I didnt even realize there was so much. Haha.

  10. Fantastic blog entry! All it needed was more snow and bare chests, preferably snow-covered bare chests. Actually, shirts, too.

    I noticed that you didn't show any transformed men. No fangs, no fur, no gore. This leads me to believe that New Moon is not about Vampires & Werewolves, but bare chested men who strike out on dates and have hardened nipples a lot from all that exposure to snow.

    Gee, I wonder why I didn't go to see it with my wife & daughters this weekend.


  11. Great post. I didn't ready any of it...I was just looking at Jacob's pictures :)

  12. I saw New Moon Friday and I loved it! I thought it was a far better adaptation of the book than the Twilight movie was.

    Brodi - I understand feeling lost, hubby went grocery shopping for me on Sunday, I just had to curl up on the couch and go comatose from the loneliness (or it is because I'm 32 weeks pregnant), anyway...

    I love your review of the movie, your captions are hilarious! Thank you, I needed a laugh this morning!

    Alas I could not take hubby with me to see this one. I get eyerolls when I mentioned it. But I'll be making him sit through it when I buy the DVD. He saw the first one, he just cannot skip the'd be wrong...end of world wrong, tears through the fabric of the universe wrong, right?

  13. dying laughing here. simply dying. You are too too funny. and too good at making fun of things.

  14. So.... you liked it right? :) My favorite part, besides shirtless Jacob, are the almost kisses. They are pretty intense.

    I'm thinking of a little New Moon review today, but now I'm totally intimidated.

  15. I'm still laughing - awesome commentary. I didn't realize Jacob took his shirt off so much - maybe I will have to see it.

  16. HAHA! I love it- this made ma laugh so hard. Thanks, my Monday needed it!

  17. Debbie- There are so many things you can pick up on when your nose isn't touching the screen.

    Douglas- you mean... supernatural hardened nipples.

    Cam- the pictures tell it best. I tried to describe Jacob's abs to Sam, and he just wasn't getting it.

    Una- tell him California will fall into the ocean if he doesn't see New Moon. It's that imperative.

    Tamara- it's easy when there are so many things to make fun of.

    Suey- Yes- do a review! And then let me know when it's ready so I can read it.

    Mary- Just make sure you bring a roll of one-dollar bills with you. Jacob's that real.

    Olivia- Did you see it again? Or was one midnight showing enough?

  18. Yeah, I think I'll catch it at the dollar. I'm still recovering from that midnight showing.

    I can't believe you drove back to SLC after that. Brave woman!

    I guess that "Jacob" scent on your hands would help keep you awake. All woodsy & shirtless smelling.

  19. Olivia- I love the smell of "shirtless". It's like mangoes and poppies.

  20. Where in the world did you get all those movie pics? I didn't know your iPhone camera was that good. The Jacob scent is now "shirtless", huh? Ha, ha - love it!

  21. Heids- the "shirtless" smell is very hard to capture. Just as Jacob is hard to capture.

  22. Seriously, you are hilarious. Hubby had to come out of the room to see why I was laughing so hard! Your review was perfect! I don't know if I'll let him see it though, he gets uncomfortable with half naked men running around. Makes him realize he's almost 40. :)

    I was so happy I got to meet you on Saturday. You are even prettier in person!

  23. Kimberly- good to meet you too! So fun to put a face to the name. And I hope I look better in person; the blog adds ten pounds.

    Now if we can only get Rachel to comment...

  24. Seriously? That Jasper shot is just asking to be spoofed and spoofed again. Not to mention the ab-ulous Jacob. So looking forward to seeing this movie.

  25. and rachel finally delurks.

    it was lovely meeting you in person. i admit to a bit of panic that you thought i was some kind of internet stalker. but now you can see: i'm a real person.

    your movie commentary is hilarious. "the peck pack". that will keep me laughing long enough to survive thanksgiving with my husband's family. really looking forward to that. it will be like utah's own version of the jerry springer show. can't wait.

  26. Melissa- "ab-ulous". Love it. The best part of the pic of Jasper is Emmett behind him. He looks like he's pausing while tackling his brother so that he can give us a sexy look. A look that says, "I'm holding Jasper back, and I'm thinking of a dirty joke. Because I can do two things at once."

    Rachel- Happy de-lurk day! I'm so relieved you are a real person. It was so fun to meet you and gab about books and stuff. And why are you making a Jerry Springer Thanksgiving Special sound like a bad thing?

  27. Wow, I never knew kid B had so much strength! Haha, and Emmett really is giving the camera a little wink! I love your recaps. Hilarious!

  28. By the way, this report definitely made up for the lack of abs in the last one.

  29. lulabell- Kid B is very strong. He got into my "Essence of Jacob" lotion the other day, and the next morning he woke up with abs.

  30. I can't stop laughing! I'm stoked to wallow-I mean-see it. Of course, I will be have to wait for a sans-Mike opportunity as he manages to mock my Twilight love impressively without know hardly anything about the books. Oh, he's good.

  31. Keersten- Let me know when, and we'll make it a girls night. Did you have your baby? How are you?

  32. Your New Moon Home scenario was the best thing I've read all day. You're hilarious! Okay. So I chuckled through the movie (out loud a few times). "I haven't said that to anyone in 100 years?" Come on... some lines I just had to laugh. And seriously. The J-dog's T-shirt blood sopping scene. I agree. Uh. What was it made of? Plastic? I don't think I've seen anyone take off their shirt that fast. I got dizzy during the October - December scenes. And Bella. Her joyful spirit sure does attract some winners. All in all. I had a great time. I'll definitely read Eclipse just so I can enjoy the next movie.

  33. Good movie with all, Normally age difference is gross because of sexual experience but edward is still a juvenile in vampire world. he’s also a virgin. edward is no more wise than a young person never experiencing a full life and gaining those experiences. this is all new to him. bella is also 18 years old.

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