Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Anatomy of an Author Smackdown and FBF Winner

1. FBF Winner

Smokey the Hairless Cat clawed two winners out of the pile this week. We tried to extract one of them from his pointy claws, but he was having none of that.

Jenni Elyse

Pick your top three choices from the picture below (I have them all autographed, and also I have Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick) and email me your address. (Email address on sidebar).

Everyone who left a comment on Bree's blog will be entered in this week's FBF.

2. For those of you who followed the blog or Twitter over the last 48 hours, you may have heard that the
Author Chimichanga Smackdown of '09 is on.

a: Our blog challenged Bree Despain to write 45 pages of her sequel to The Dark Divine by next Monday. (5 days from now).
*We left threatening messages on her blog and Twitter.

*If she doesn't come through, we get to break her kneecaps. (To be fair, we can only do this by throwing pea gravel at her knees from 3 yards away. No hammers. But we will stay as long as it takes to break a kneecap.)
*If she succeeds, we raise the stakes, with an even crazier demand.

b: Some of you (who shall remain nameless... Okay, it was Una. And Lulabell) suggested Bree dish back my own medicine. So she has upped the ante.

*She demanded that I finish my new novel "Broken" in the next two weeks. Or she will sic her giant New Zealand Cousin's after me. (Their preferred method is ripping my leg hairs out, one hair at a time, until I am dead.)

c: F.O.B. Una asked what an "author throw down" consists of.
I'll tell you:
*First, we chuck unnecessary adverbs at each other. Mightily. and Awesomely.
*Then, we attach dangling participles to the ends of braided ropes, and we crack the whips like a lion-tamer.
*The whole thing looks really lame, and ranks just under Star Wars fanboys doing Chewbacca impersonations, and just above Trekkies playing Klingon Uno.

To finish my book, I'd estimate I have to write 25,000 more words. 275 words per page, so that translates into roughly 90 pages. In 14 days. Which is about 7 pages per day.

7 pages a day. What do you think? Do you think I can do it?

Current Word Count: 40,000

Goal: 65,000

Here's the thing:
In order to do this, I sorta have to shut myself off from the world for a bit. I may have to call in a couple of surprise guest bloggers. (Don't worry, I'll get either authors or well-established bloggers, or people I think are really funny, or my mailman.) Because we are a team at this blog (Team Tamale), and we are challenging Bree's blog (Team Gluten-Intolerant), I would like to put it to a vote.

Are you with me on the Chimichanga Challenge?
Will you still be here at the end of the two weeks?
Do these pants make my butt look fat?

Please keep leaving encouraging/threatening comments on Bree's blog. She loves them!

3. Decoding Sam

We were at Nephew A's birthday party the other night, when I overheard Hubby Sam talking to my sister's Mother-in-law and Father-in-law.

In-laws: "You and Brodi only have two kids. Isn't it time you had another?"

Sam (laughing because we get this question all the time): "No. If I have any more kids, it's not going to be with Brodi. It's going to be with another woman."

Huh? Usually we're all like, "No, our family's done. Perfect size."
What do you think Sam meant by this? Do you think I should incorporate the silent treatment? Or will that just encourage him to go find another baby-maker?


  1. Woo hoo! I knew Smokey would show compassion on me! Thank you, Smokey (and Brodi, of course)! Just be careful not to send locks with the book this time. ;)

    I totally think you can do it and I'll still be here at the end of two weeks! You're a bad-a** writer and kick Bree's butt! (No offense, Bree!)

    As far as Sam's comment, maybe he was just saying that you're done and so if he wanted more kids, he'd have to find someone else. Or, maybe, he's trying to put the in-laws in their place by saying something like, "How dare you ask such a personal question? I'll show you!"

  2. Jenni- I think you give Sam too much credit.

  3. Also, I forgot to tell you that I did see The Vampire's Assistant. I liked it. It's definitely not a horror film, but I thought it had a good story.

    I found out, though, that the title comes from the second book in the series and that helped explain why the movie seemed so jam packed with information. I felt the character development was a little lacking, but I'm now interested in reading the series.

  4. Yes, Brodi and I are done having kids and we love our 2 fabulous boys. My point was--I am a desirable man and who am I to deprave another...ok, I best be stopping this comment. Brodi is the only one for me!!! She rocks. Seriously.

    As shocking as it sounds, my joke fell totally flat with my sister in laws parents in law (still with me here?). I have since learned from that dreadful Monday night that I should just use my old standard reply to those that ask if we are having more kids (this is said in a yelling hysterical voice): "WE ARE DONE HAVING KIDS...NO MORE! DON'T ASK...ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!" I think that will get my point across much better and nobody would get their feelings hurt with that, would they?

  5. Congratulations Jenni Elyse and Susan!

    Wait! I did not encourage Bree to counter-threat (unless my threats in general were that good), it's all on Lulabell *dramatically points finger at Lulabell*, I just sided and defended your honor, Brodi, *covers heart with hand* when Bree showed up to try her smack-down in your blog comments. *Pauses to think* Okay, maybe my threats did have Bree shaking in her gluten-free boots! She didn't post a new blog today. Must be my comments that come with theme song!

    Go Team Tamale!!! You can totally do this Brodi! I have faith in you! If it takes some guest bloggers, your mailman (who looks way too friendly), Sam, and Smokey doing a blog, I'm all for it if you win this Author Smack-Down. Maybe Kid C could contribute a commentary.

    Sam - I found your comment funny, but that's the relationship I have with my hubby (and the humor in my family). Just the other day, my parents asked him if he could get rid of something from my family what would it be (we were originally talking about furniture that hubby and I have that was given to us by family on both our sides), he pointed at me and said, "that". He loves me, I know he does...but he just couldn't resist the set-up. In fact, my father thought it was hilarious! Especially when I informed him he was sleeping in the dogloo for a week. =)

    I know this is long, but you have too many goodies in your blog. Speaking of Star Wars, have you seen the movie Fanboys - your comment (since I just saw the movie this weekend) about Star Wars Fanboys had me laughing!

    Okay, I'm off to continue to spread the love of Team Tamale over at the Bree Blog! =)

  6. *emerges from writing cave*

    Jenni- I've heard it's a good series. Let me know if you check it out.

    Sam- most of the things you say fall flat with my sister's in-laws. You have a very... um... sophisticated sense of humor that not everyone appreciates.

    Una- Awesome comment! Bree never updates her blog. (Just kidding, Bree). She just doesn't have a blog schedule, so we'll be lucky to get a post a week from her. But when she does post, it's stellar. Also, you can follow her on Twitter, because she's much more communicative in the Twitterverse, imo. Our hubbies sound uncannily alike. And I'll put Fanboys in my Queue at Netflix. The problem is, I totally grew up surrounded by Fanboys, so I feel like I've already lived the movie!

    *ducks head, enters cave again*

  7. Hahaha. I love Sam's comment. Sounds just like something MY husband would say. Are you sure they aren't related?

    And, I have to comment about Sam's haircut as well. I remember a time when our kids were little and I tried to save money by cutting their hair. Hubby came home and said "we can afford to pay for haircuts." But somehow, I ended up cutting the boys hair years later and do so semi-regularly now. And sometimes when they pay for one if I don't have time, I think, "I could have done better than that."

  8. I Tamaled Bree's blog for you. And I think you can easily finish your book in two weeks. Maybe you can use the challenge as a plot device and just post some of the blog entries about it. Anyway, good luck.

    (And I won't rub it in that I finished my draft last night. Still needs work, but there's an ending at least. Now all I have to do is scour the neighborhood for the kids...)

  9. Congrats Jenni! Also yes! The challenge must be taken! And re: sam's comment, my sis-in-law said the same thing to her hubby. Well, I mean, she said to us "If he has any more kids..."

  10. Jenny- so there's hope for my haircutting skills?

    Jenilyn- I love how you used "Tamaled" as a verb. And congrats on finishing your ms! Yay! Drinks all around.

    Alysa- So funny, the things that come out of our mouths. Thanks for sending a tamale to Bree's blog!

  11. Uhoh. I think I'm gonna have to be a fence sitter on this one. I have loyalties to both sides now and all.

    Oh Sam, my hubby would totally pull the same thing. Although I could see my hubby saying something like that at church even. I just shake my head and hope they know he's kidding.

  12. Debbie- It's totally cool to be both Team Tamale and Team Gluten-Intolerant. Really, we're all on both teams. There is a chance at the end of this all for everyone to win. Two good, finished books!

    That being said, how were you not immediately Team Tamale? My own cousin!

  13. I know I know. And honestly last week I was all over that tamale like white on rice. But just recently I've found out that my ties must be split equally. Email to follow. This message will now self destruct.

  14. I think that if you can estimate the number of words and words per page, then divide that by words per page, divided by 14 days to come up with an approximate of 7 pages per day...I think that you can definitely write that many pages. I mean, the math is the hard part, right?

    I will definitely still be here in two weeks. Do your best!

  15. Honestly, with your writing skill, I don't even think you have to do the math. The math just runs away in fear at the mere mention of you writing so many words/pages per day.

    Is Broken a sequel to Echo? Or, is it a completely new concept?

  16. Whooboy, that's a big mouthful. I think you can do it if you let your cat dance around your keyboard for a while each day. Bree didn't specify that what you wrote was coherent, right?

  17. Okay! You caught me! If it's any consolation, I think you will do a great job, and we're all excited to see the results!

    Changing the subject, with regards to Sam's comment, I think this is where you reply "That's a deal breaker, ladies!" Any 30 Rock fans in here?

  18. Debbie- So true. So true. Of course, technically, Bree and I are both on each others' teams too. Sort of like a polygamist family.

    Becky- I wish writing was as easy as math! Thanks for the support.

    Jenni- Broken is a completely new novel. It's about a girl who's been trapped in hell for a hundred years and then gets to relive 6 months of her high school.

    Douglas- Funny, Bree and I were joking about putting a monkey to type at our keyboards. Something to do with, give a billion monkeys a billion typewriters, and one of them will eventually write Hamlet.

    Of course, neither of us needs Hamlet, but you get my point.

    Lulabell- You're right! That is a dealbreaker. Right next to "over 30 and still wears a name tag." Love me some 30 rock.

  19. Only 2 weeks till we get more book? Whoo hooo. Go Brodi, Go Brodi.

  20. Team Tamale-

    Your threats do not scare me. Team gluten-intolerance is going to smack Brodi down. 7 pages a day, you better start working instead of commenting on your own blog so much.
    I can smack you pretty hard with my gluten-free chimichangas.

    You guys should have seen our smack-down at the SLC library today. There were adverbs. Awesomely awesome adverbs. And tears. One of us cried. Okay, it was me. but I think allergies were involved.

  21. Good luck on the can do it! We will all be here for you :)

    (PS...Ironic about Sam, Ben says exactly that same thing when we get questioned...WTH?)

  22. Heids- Thanks, sistah.

    Team Gluten-Intolerant: If I don't comment on my own blog, I'll look like a loser. Take that! Oh, wait.

    Bree- Great writing day yesterday: laughter, tears, a few punches thrown. Thanks.

    Cam- Do you think our husbands dream of other households at night? I wonder...

  23. This is my favorite part:
    *First, we chuck unnecessary adverbs at each other. Mightily. and Awesomely.
    *Then, we attach dangling participles to the ends of braided ropes, and we crack the whips like a lion-tamer.

    I may end up quoting those lines at some point! (Wait, I just did.) But Bree's right: stopping commenting on your own blog and get to work! The rest of us will comment for you.

  24. Have you ever met a New Zealander? My husband is one. I wouldn't be too scared about the NZ Cousins. They're a pretty tame nation. Now, if they were Italian (like my descendants), then I might be a little concerned.

  25. So James Dashner came and did an assembly at Eisenhower this week, and he was signing books after it. I told him that you said hi. He said "Oh! You know Brodi?! Tell her that I say hi, too!"

    Just thought I would let you know. :)

  26. Nikki- point taken- I stopped commenting! Feel free to quote those lines any time. Thanks for your support.

    Bibliophile- good to hear the truth about the New Zealanders. Now I can tell Team Gluten-Intolerant that I'm not afraid of the cousins from down under. (Does New Zealand still count as down under? Ask your hubby).

    Hannah- Thanks for telling him "hi". Next time I see him, I'm going to tell him "Hannah says hi" and then I will report back to you. How was his school visit? Did you learn a lot?