Monday, April 19, 2010

In Which we Buy a New Car... and Strange Billboards of Utah

We finally got a new car. We couldn't decide on the Bronco or the Blazer, so we compromised, because when virile Blazers meet willing Broncos (in karaoke bars) often the product of that union is a cute little thing called an International Scout.
Our new little illegitimate child, Scout. Born in 1975.

Only problem was the car was in St. George. (For those of you non-Utahns, St. George is about 300 miles away from Salt Lake City).

I think there are two kinds of moms in this world. Those who would volunteer, nay, beg, to leave hubby home with the kids, drive a rental car down one night, stay in a hotel, and drive the new car back... and those who wouldn't. 

I'm totally the first kind.

So I drove down Saturday night, enjoying the scenic views of Middle-Utah (sort of like Middle-Earth, but a lot less green).  And I noticed the various billboards welcoming me to various tiny Utah towns. 

For instance, here's the one promoting Beaver, Utah.

So, in case you were on the fence at the sight of a giant Beaver riding an ATV (or conversely, it might be a normal-sized beaver riding a super tiny ATV), they also throw in the fact that Beaver has the "Best tasting water in U.S." 

I don't know about you, but upon reading that fact, I wanted to go use a public restroom in Beaver just so I could slurp some water from the sink, and find out what the best water in U.S. tastes like. Then I started imagining what the best water should taste like, and I thought if I were inventing water, I'd make it taste like Diet Coke. So I stopped in Beaver and bought a Diet Coke. And the signs were right... it was delicious.

I also discovered ATV's were a general theme in the Billboards. Like every city council got together, and Bob called the meeting to order, and then Phil says, "We gotta advertise something that sets us apart from the rest of these small towns."
And Joe answers, "We have a lot of open space. Dirt roads. Wasatch mountains to the East. Plains to the West.... are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

And Bob says, "ATV's!"

Only problem is, every single town along I-15 has Wasatch mountains to the East, plains to the West, and dirt roads everywhere. So every billboard shows a picture like this:
We're the ATV capitol of the world. No, we are. No, we are.

At least Parowan didn't fall into the ATV trap. Just outside of Parowan, there's a billboard that says:

Great Things are Happening in Parowan

I wanted to ask the sign-makers... have you seen Parowan?
I'm all for believing anything anyone slaps on a billboard, but I couldn't help my skepticism, wondering if there really were random "great things" happening, or maybe their definition of "great" is different than mine. 

This is nothing against Parowan. Maybe they were all like, "Well, everyone else is using ATV's, so..."

And the other guy was all, "You're right. Let's not tie ourselves down to one thing, like ATV's. Let's be a little more generic."

These are all things I noticed on the way down. On the way back, in our new Scout (new as in 1975) everything was loud and bumpy, so the only thing I noticed was how every car was passing me like I was standing still. 

So, would you be the one taking the road trip? Or the one staying home with the kids? And what do you think of our third child, Scout?


  1. I would be the one taking the road trip WITH the kids. I know because I did that over spring break (we have cousins down there). Plus, I'm crazy that way and sometimes do stupid things like that just to prove that I can do it and survive.

    I like your new child. And your description of Middle-Utah.

  2. Jenilyn- It didn't even occur to me to take the kids. That's an option? Don't tell Sam.

  3. I would totally take that trip...but I think my wife was more excited about it than I was, so we compromised and she partied all weekend. Her wind blown hair was totally hott! when she got home.

    A Scout is really no different than a newer SUV. Yes, it may not ride as doesn't have the doesn't have the cool dashboard controls...not all the seatbelts are fancy may leak a bit of oil...the console is beat up...but besides all that, they are almost identical and it fits the size of our family. Love our Scout.

  4. Glad you made it there & back again safely. (Yes I had to add the again, you mentioned middle earth so I had to do it.)
    The best tasting water? Is that really something they should brag about? I wonder who has the worst?

  5. I'd pick option C... drop the kids at the in-laws and take the trip with my hubby. Because nothing says romance like a motel in Beaver complete with plastic cupfuls of our nations finest water.

  6. Wow, that is some vehicle! And I thought my dad was the only one who lost it this weekend and bought some crazy wheeled thing (a tractor).

    I love those small towns and their awesome billboards. Makes me want to drive south.

  7. If you think the billboards are interesting - you should try buying local papers from some of these towns - miles of entertainment - especially the letter to the editor sections. Scout looks awesome - you won't need an ATV with that baby - it looks like it could handle the backroads without any problem. If I had the chance to take off and leave the kids behind - I'd totally do it.

  8. Scout looks great! How are you going to stay warm when winter comes around again in 8 months?

    I'd be the one staying home, but that's because I don't have kids. If there were kids, I'm not sure what I'd do.

    Beaver's billboard should have totally said, "Pastures of fun" instead of mountains of fun.

  9. LOVE SCOUT!! i still need a ride, perhaps for FHE tonight?

    that would count for FHE right? if we had treats??

  10. Congrats on the new car!

    I'd go with option three, take hubby and kids and enjoy the crazy road trip.

    Sounds like you had a great time...especially considering you got to try the best water in the U.S.!

  11. Not sure what I'd do with the kids, but forget St. George--I'd head all the way to Vegas.

  12. Sam- Stop gushing. People are gonna want to steal little disabled Scout.

    Catie- The worst tasting water is any place where I'm sharing a cup with my son. It gets gross.

    Kayla- I need to find parents who will take kids overnight. Anyone know where I can get a pair of those?

    Melissa- Who are you calling crazy? Unless you mean, crazy cool!

    Mary- Those small town paper letters to the editors always make it seem like Utah's about to secede from the Union.

    Jenni- The guy who sold me Scout said the heater could work... if I hook some electrical doohickee up to some wire thingee. Hopefully I'll have that figured out by winter.

    Dorien- That would totally be an appropriate FHE. Count me in.

    Una- What's up with everyone wanting to bring kids on road trips? It's like we're living in some alternate universe.

    Kaylie- You sound like my kind of chica. Gimme a Craps table in Vegas, and I'm in heaven.

  13. The "Safari" is awesome! Necie came home from the ride saying it made her hair go crazy! Sadly, I wish it was the Safari's fault for make her hair crazy looking. She somehow makes it crazy on her own.

    We need to do more condo "cleaning" more often. That was really fun!

  14. I'm surprised you didnt take a picture of the Fillmore sign, or is that a little too 'non family friendly' for this blog? It's the highlight of the trip for hubby and I on our way to CA. Makes us laugh like 8th grade boys realizing we're finally in on the dirty joke.

  15. Erin- That was a fun day.

    And... It's a Scout.
    A Scout!
    A SCOUT!!

    Debbie- What am I missing on the Fillmore sign? I'm not in on the joke! What does it say? Now I have to go Google it.

  16. LOVE the car! Cute little Scout! And dare I say I'm the first blog-reader to see it in the flesh!!??

    Laughing over great things in Parowan. Really.

    And am I right, you drove the rental car down to pick up the car and Sam stayed home with the chilluns? Sweet deal.

    Great seeing you yesterday. So thoughtful of you to stop. We need to do lunch or something to catch up. Blog land is never quite enough time to hash over life!

  17. Scout is adorable! And I have to say that I am glad we never have to go on a road trip again in Sam's Truck O' Death. That truck was possessed and had it out for me. I'm sure Scout isn't inhabited by any demon spirits, so I love her already.

    And I'm so glad you didn't die! I have no time for death in my life.

    Brick and I probably would have paced up the kids and gone together. Or dropped the kids off with my parents and made a getaway weekend out of it.

  18. Cath- Indeed, I believe you were the first blog reader to see Scout! (besides my neighbors, who heard the truck before actually seeing it).

    I've been thinking about your family the last few days, hoping you are all doing well. I would love to do lunch. Is that possible in your world?

    Bree- again, it must be nice having parents who would do that for you. (It's okay, my parents don't read my blog).

  19. Well when I say "kids" that would be the dog and my son. Plus, since I'm the "newbie" mom, I would of course have to take him, he is three months and adorable. And if hubby goes, I don't have to drive so I can look at all the sights!

    I'm sure if I had two older answer may be different (or when my son hits the "terrible" twos...which I hear can last ten/twenty years!!) =)

  20. I would be the one taking the road trip for sure!!!! Love the new ride (even if it isn't a Bronco.)

  21. Una- True. Brand new babies are often fun to travel with. Or so I've heard.

    Cam- That's my girl.