Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Five Signs you have Revision Brain

Sorry I'm so late to the blog today. I've been arse-deep in revisions, and I realized I have a serious affliction. One that has no known cure.
No, there is not a tree growing in my lung like this guy:

Yes, that's a real x-ray. Yes, it's an understatement to say the knowledge that such a medical mishap can happen has affected me. Deeply. 

Luckily my condition is a more common one, known as Revision Brain. I'd like to enlighten you as to the condition.

Five Signs you have Revision Brain:

5. You can't think of anything for #5.

4. The smiley faces your editor places in the margins of your manuscript to let you know she likes something, go from looking like this:

to looking like this:

3. You snap at your hubby over the appearance of a tomato in the fridge.

me: "Where did this tomato come from?"

him: "I don't know."

me: "It wasn't in here this morning."

him: "Maybe I brought it home from work, when I brought home the sandwiches."

me: "Well, did you or didn't you?"

him: "I don't remember. Look, it's a perfectly good tomato. Just eat it if you want to."

me: "I would never eat a tomato of dubious origin."

him: "Fine. Throw it away. I don't care."

me: "What do you mean my edits suck?"

3. You wake up at random intervals during the middle of the night, and frantically write down a brilliant idea in the notebook you keep by your bedside, but in the morning, you read the notes and they say: 

Remember for Chapter 17!! : MC eats cheese in her underwear.

In trying to decipher the note, and uncover the brilliance you are sure is there, you ask yourself stupid questions, like, "Did I mean the MC wears underwear while eating cheese, or did I mean the MC eats cheese found in her underwear?"

*Rest easy, there are no scenes involving cheese and underwear in my book. I promise.

2. You're sure you could sooner climb Mount Everest than write a blog post.

And the number one sign you have revision brain: You re-read said blog post and realize you counted down from five wrong. 

What about y'all?


  1. The only thing that was harmed in all of this was the poor defenseless tomato. Poor thing.

    Your revision brain rocks. No matter what I say, you will usually forget about within 2 days. Thanks for agreeing to that College Football trip of 4 games in 9 days all across the country. You remember that don't you? Don't you?

  2. Hahaha. Spooky. You captured the revision process so well...eep. I remember the "smiley faces" I got:

    ME: Hahaha! My editor likes this so much! She's put all these little smiley faces all over it!

    ROOMMATE: That's not a smiley-face. That means "insert quotation mark".


    The end.

  3. Sam- Of course I remember. Weren't you planning on staying home with the kids?

    Heather- Ha ha! Don't let anyone tell you they're not smiley-faces.

  4. Love the smiley faces. Sorry they're starting to mock you, though. Good luck with recovering from Revision Brain.

  5. PS - Sorry if you comment about Sam needing to grow a mullet on your 80s post offended him or you. My humor often comes across as mean-spirited, which is never my intention. I usually just intend to make people laugh.

  6. Jenni- You're kidding, right? Your comment was made of nothing but awesome!

  7. Haha, I can't believe you couldn't find a way to make that cheese/underwear thing work! It's so original!

  8. If you can't make the cheese/underwear thing work, you might want to seriously reconsider this author/writer thing... gosh!

  9. Oh, I love the middle of the night brilliance! That's awesome and you should totally put it in a story. Maybe you'll branch out into picture books?

  10. Lulabell- There's still time, right?

    Sal- Is that a challenge? I accept!

    Jenilyn- Is there a tasteful way to draw it? If so, I'm in.

  11. You must not be feeling well if you'd turn down a tomato--no matter how it made it's miraculous appearance in the fridge. I'm pretty sure the tomato was on the tree of life.

  12. yes yes, brilliant middle-of-the-night idea, but how did the MC *feel* when eating cheese in her underwear?

    you know you gots skillz. keep it up, and send sam our way for a texas football game.

  13. L.T.- Tomatoes are, indeed, the Frege (fruit/veg) from paradise.

    Kent- That invitation better be open to both of us!

    Leisha- Thanks, girlfriend!

  14. Revisionist brain sounds awful, but on the bright side, we find it hilarious! Makes for good blog posting stuff.

    I would rather forget this week and thankfully it is now half over. I'm starting to think I'd like to be that character that gets sucked into the black hole, set on fire and pelted with golf ball sized hail. It would be an improvement, sadly. Thank goodness for your blog, it is my ray of sunshine for the day!

  15. I love this. It almost makes me feel good about not writing the book I'm not writing. Because then I don't have to worry about revision brain.

  16. Una- I know what you mean about this week. I left this week, alone with the check, a few days ago.

    Jill- I did not eat the tomato. I put it on the table in front of Sam to prove a point. The point was, I was looking for a fight. And if I ate the tomato, Sam would win. This way, the tomato wins.

    Melissa- Yes, the best way to fight off revision brain is not to write. But I hate to go around, telling people not to write. Don't you know there are thousands of books in heaven, just waiting to be born?

    I might be mixing my metaphors.

  17. Um, yes, I was totally kidding. *makes shifty eyes* Ignore the man behind the curtain!

  18. oh. I have had this affliction. I think I may *always* have it.

  19. Elissa- Permanent revision brain- a very scary condition, reversible only by removal of brain*.

    *Above statement not FDA approved.

    Thanks for the comment!