Monday, January 12, 2009


Book status: Revision Complete! Emailed to Ted last night (this morning) at 1:30 a.m. Signed email with this little gem: "I go ni-night now." Yes, I wish I had just used "sincerely" but hopefully Ted's accustomed to my verbal vomit by now.

Sister Author status: My sister author Bree Despain (one of Ted's other clients) just sold her book! It's huge news, and you can read about it here. (She also has a really cool soundtrack for her book, so check it out). Sherpa Ted rules the world!

As is the case whenever I've been working on a revision, my house has gone to pot, and my brain has gone to goo. I started working on the house problem this morning, but before I cleaned my computer desk, I just had to take a picture of the mess.

I defy any of you to find the following items on your own computer desks: Entertainment Weekly, Michael Moore's Election Guide 2008, a random shoe, spaghetti noodles, a candy cane that's actually a pen, and the rest of the junk.

How did the shoe get there? Why was there only one? And what was I planning on doing with the Spaghetti noodles that required close proximity to my computer? These are questions I will be asking myself over and over in the coming weeks as I slowly go crazy waiting for Ted's next revision letter.

Last night, I took a break to watch the season premiere of '24'. Any 24 fans out there? I got to thinking how cool Jack Bauer is, and how if he were in my book, he would totally kick alien butt.

He'd grab any sharp object (like a ball point pen) and hold it over the bad alien's ear, like he's about to skewer his brain, and then he'd yell something like, "GIVE ME THE CODE!" or "TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!" or "GUESS MY FAVORITE COLOR!!! NOW, PUNK!!!"

His interrogation methods always work, because the guy with the pen at his ear has most likely heard of Jack Bauer, and his kick-butt-i-ness, and he knows Jack doesn't bluff. If he doesn't guess Jack's favorite color, he's going to get a pen through the ear.

Sometimes Jack's methods don't win him any friends. His methods tend to get him kidnapped by the Chinese Government. His methods also tend to get his daughter attacked by a Puma in the wilderness. But, his methods save lives.

So I commissioned Jack Bauer to revise my book. I told him he could use whatever methods he wants, as long as Little Red is in no way harmed.

So Jack took a pen, held it to my manuscript's ear, and started shouting, "GIVE ME 5,000 WORDS! NOW!!!!"

My manuscript whimpered, "But, Mr. Bauer, every word is important to the plot! I swear, none of them are expendable."

My manuscript obviously had not heard of Jack Bauer's famous interrogation techniques.

By the time he was finished, Jack Bauer had shot my manuscript in the knee, and ripped my manuscripts nails out, until my manuscript finally said, "Okay, Mr. Bauer. I'll give you what you want. I'll give you 5,000 words. Take them. Please."

So as you are revising your own personal manuscripts, remember this piece of wisdom:
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.


  1. Your desk may be a mess, but at least you have one! I seriously need a bigger house--one with a private office for myself. I wrote most of my manuscript while hunched over on my laptop on my couch. No wonder I have so many back problems!

    And how on Earth did I forget to record 24!! I even watched the tv movie last week in preparation. Where's my tivo remote?!

    Crap, tivo is making me choose between recording Gossip Girl, The Bachelor, and 24. It's like Sophie's choice all over again. Which one of my children am I going to sacrifice to spare the others? Darn you, tivo, what kind of tv lover do you think I am?!

  2. Does Jack Bauer do any helpful parenting techniques? I'm all out of empty threats and need all the help I can get. I will have to try the 'pen-to-ear' trick with my kids to see if they will practice the piano tomorrow morning. Thanks for the tip.

  3. note to self: follow erin's example of sticking pen in my childs ears instead of empty threats now!
    wtg brodi's friend! that is great news...and brodi, you will be following suit shortly!!

  4. Jack Bauer is the crackle and the pop! Love him! Haven't had a chance to watch the premier is sitting on my best friend Tivo waiting for me. Congrats on finishing the revisions!

  5. I am so glad you found random shoe...I have been looking for a random shoe. Will you put it on the bathroom countertop or somewhere obvious where I won't misplace it again?

    Jack Bauer is as good as it gets. I would let him kick my butt just to be able to say that Jack kick my butt! Don't get me wrong though, I am pretty tough and I have to think that I like my odds against him.

  6. Watching 24 with Luey (and Jamie) is amazing--last night Luey sat there and said what would come out of the characters mouth word for word before they did-- it happened three times--do you think Luey leads a double life--I know she knows people, but maybe SHE REALLY KNOWS PEOPLE! Love the show.

  7. Erin- Actually, I think Jack Bauer learned his techniques from you...

    Cam- love that- "the crackle and the pop"

    Deanna- We were filling in the lines as well! Funny how predictable, yet thoroughly entertaining the show is!

  8. 24 is like crack, only the good kind. My girlfriend hooked us up to it a couple of years ago, I think we are only up to season 4? 5? And there's no mercy when Jack's in the house. We get the sacred red envelope in the mail, we stay up all night watching 2 discs, send back, wait, receive, repeat. If I check out BSG and it ends up the same... I may need some kind of 12 step program.