Meet Your Victorian Era Serial Killers...
I was taking Niece S home the other day, and I talked about when we used to live in London. (I don't know why, but most of my conversations usually end up with me talking about London. I'm available for parties.)
Anyway, I told her we went to church in a neighborhood called Whitechapel.
me: "You know what Whitechapel's famous for, right?"
me (pausing to heighten anticipation): "That's where Jack the Ripper did his terrible deeds."
s: blank face
me: "You know about Jack the Ripper, right?"
S: "Should I?"
I couldn't believe it. I immediately picked up my cell phone and called Niece S's mother to complain about her educational upbringing.
me: "What kind of second-rate institution have you been sending your child to?"
E: "Oh, sorry if I don't share your love for everything dark, and I don't tell my children horror stories at night."
me: "Jack the Ripper is a part of world history. He is the truth. He is not a story."
So, Niece S, here is my contribution to your education:
WHAT I LEARNED FROM JACK THE RIPPER
1. If You're Waiting in an Alley for a Victim, Always use Fog Machines
Here's Jack, waiting for an unsuspecting... um... woman of the night to approach, his knife apparently lit from within, like a lightsaber. Personally, I have to wonder what hooker in her right mind would see this man waiting in an alley, and continue to walk toward him. Of course, perhaps Victorian era Betties weren't in their right minds. Anyway, I'm sure the fog can only help his chances.
2. Impress your Teachers by Using "Evisceration" in a Sentence
"Ripper" refers to his mode of operation. Because this is a PG rated blog, I will describe it thusly: Jack took the innards, and put them on the outards.
When the police found the mutilated remains of Jack's victims, there wasn't a word that could reflect such a heinous crime. So, Lt. Bill Pickles, in an effort to impress his boss, looked at the intestines and said something along the lines of, "That there betty seems to have been... vissicrated."
And that's how we have the word "eviscerated" today. (The preceding may or may not be a complete fabrication)
3. If you want the Police to Waste A Lot Of Time, Leave them A Really Stupid Cryptic Message Written on a Wall.
Police went into a frenzy over a message, written in chalk, supposedly by Jack himself.
"The Juwes are not the men that will not be blamed for nothing."
It prompted investigators to scratch their heads and say, "Oh crap. Was that a triple negative? Does that mean the Juwes are the men that will be blamed for nothing, or for everything, or only non-Juwes will be nothing..." and on it went.
Sort of like a dog, chasing its tail, and then running into a dark alley and being eviscerated.