Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Maze Runner Winner... and Happy Birthday to Sam

1. And the Winner of the signed copy of James Dashner's MAZE RUNNER is...


Email me (addy in sidebar) your address.

2. Okay, since I had no money to buy Sam a birthday present, bear with me on today's blog...

Dear Sam,

I was in college, dating lots of Bill’s and Joe’s and Steve’s (the names have been changed to protect the super-boring), and wondering if I would ever be slammed in love, or if it was something only read about in books. Like a Tale of Two Cities.

And then you slammed into me. Literally. In the hallway at school. I dropped my books and later my pretenses, and started writing really cheesy lines like, “I dropped my pretenses.” Gag.

It took you awhile to notice me. We were in the same class, but you sat on the other side of the room next to that Heather chick, the one with the giant silver cross necklace and the clear skin and the daring necklines.

I promise she never would’ve converted for you.

Then we became BFF’s, and I thought, “this is it”, but you totally asked that "Sue" chica to the Jazz game, and told me all about it afterward.

And oh yeah, there was that missionary you were writing…

I was a waitress at The Cowboy Grub, and you came in to eat and ordered steak - which is a little silly because the Grub is known for Mexican - and my friend and co-waitress said, “That’s the guy? I totally thought you’d go for someone more… GQ. He’s a little shlubby.”

I love how we still laugh about that.

Now we’re getting older and a little squidgy around the edges, and who knew we’d be so adamant about the rule of the “4 T’s of bedsheets”: (No Tenting, No Touching, No Tucking, No Twisting).

And sure I could go without:

-Your pack rat nature. (Seriously, you still have that Bart doll from the 1980’s? Are you kidding me? Remember that time I secretly threw it away, and you got it out of the garbage?)

-And your habit of singing songs that make no sense? (See: You dancing in the kitchen, singing “Shake shake shake… Shake shake shake… Shake Beckham’s Bottle. Shake Beckham’s bottle” to the tune of “Shake Your Booty”. )

-And your clothes that would scream early 90’s if they could, only they can’t because they are old and decrepit and lost their ability to scream decades ago.

I’ll admit, you did have your snaggle tooth filed down, in a most considerate move, but the gold fillings? Gold?

Ah, but then you understand how year after year I forget the exact date of our anniversary. (The 25th. Booyah.)

And you let me drag you up to Butt-Munch Idaho, ranking just above I’m-gonna-kill-myself-if-I-stay-here-one-minute-longer, Nebraska in the Fun Department, so I could try my hand at journalism.

And we both laugh about those movies that show the couple kissing first thing in the morning, because all we can think about is gross morning breath.

And we make fun of the newscasters and their dangling participles and faux-excitement. (“Is your water poisonous? Find out at Ten. If you’re still alive.”)

You allow me my crushes:

And I yours:

And no matter how many times we see “Shaun of the Dead” we still laugh our arses off.

I love that in a funny movie, you laugh the loudest of the entire theater, even though it’s totally embarrassing for me.

So what if you have a strange attachment to actual newspapers (we subscribe to two dailies), and Tab, and beef, and sports boards, and spandex jokes, and yelling, “Who’s yo Daddy?” You still laugh every time I answer, “Dennis Ashton.”

You didn’t kill me when I did this to your hair:

So what if the first time you met my dad, and he asked that Dad Question, “Sam, what are you going to do with your life?” and you said, “I don’t know. I like sports, so maybe there’s a way to like sports for a living.”

You stayed with my dad in the hospital while I went to his own mother’s viewing because he couldn’t make it. You got him out of the anesthesia and back to his home.

So I think my dad has completely forgotten about the time you told him, “Shakespeare is okay and all, but I prefer mysteries.”

You’ve always thought I could write, even when my words resembled alphabet soup puked onto the computer screen.

And now we’ve had to tighten our belts, and all I can give you is a bunch of words. You married me, and all you got was this lousy blog post. And your perfect evening:

Happy Birthday Sam.

Me. You. The boys. Against the World.


  1. Oh man, reading thru this terrific post...I sound TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!

    And fwiw, I think you are the only person on the planet who does not think that I am totally metrosexy. My clothes are not old, they are retro. And it can't get any more metrosexy than 5, count 'em, 5 gold teeth.

    You are a rockin' babe of a wife and a fabulous writer and a great mom to the boys. Nothing else that I could ask for...thanks for the Birthday wishes, even if it is a few days late. Lets go take on the world.

  2. Dude, you should just be happy I remembered your birthday at all.

    Now I'm just waiting for other commenters to say, "Get a room already!"

  3. Ah geez guys get a room already. ;-)

    Happy Birthday Sam-e-o. What a sweet tribute I must say. It's funny that you guys have a the 'who's your daddy' joke because we always say the 'your mom' joke around here.

  4. Debbie- I know. That post is gross, isn't it? We're getting a room tonight.

    Yo Mothuh!

  5. Need I say, "Get a room?" Or, can it just be implied? I think so.

    What a wonderful post. I love how you can make something seem so funny and heartfelt at the same time. That shows you how good of a writer you are!

    I totally love Shaun of the Dead! Corey and I watch it all the time and it's definitely the best zombie flick ever! Corey tells me that if I ever get infected with a zombie virus, he'd totally keep me in the shed and come out to play games with me. That's love!

    PS - Kayla! Congratulations! I totally get to borrow it, kay?

  6. Jenni- Thanks for the kind words... and Sam would totally keep me in the shed too!


  7. HA! Great post- love it!

    And Sam likes TAB! I tried my frist TAB yesterday & I'm pretty sure it's the nectar of the gods.

  8. Well, I happen to think that Bart doll will be worth a fortune someday. If, of course, it's in mint condition. What? It isn't? It once spent hours in a Dumpster? Oh well....

    Happy B-Day Sam!

    (I do a variety of mean happy B-Day greetings. I'm sure Brodi will pass one along).

  9. hahaha far too 90's pics brought back memories of my keds with rainbow shoelaces and stirrup pants, which, coincidentally, I'm wearing today. The stirrup (tights) that is, not the keds.

  10. are those pop tarts and tab?
    and hey sam, retro is SO IN! josh prob. wants to borrow something you own for a school dance!

  11. Wow, you can be nice when you want to!!

    So the Old Mexico, Three Cheese Enchilada's with Rice and Beans and Cowboy cookies...what is it with all of you East Siders and Cowboy Grub? Ben took me there constantly while we were dating...good thing he was so good looking to compensate :) I didn't know you ever worked there, though!! That was the place for hot waitresses...Dave tried to find his wife there with 10 to 2 eyes but she wasn't having any of it.

    Happy Birthday Sam.

  12. Olivia- I saw your post, and I couldn't believe it. Tab is totally the nectar of the gods... if the nectar of the gods tasted like dish soap.

    Emily- I'll pass it along, but it's not the same as seeing you in person go, "Haaaappppyy Beeeee Daaaayyy!"
    And then in a low voice, "Sammmy it's your birthday."

    Melissa- Ha ha! stirrups! I begged my mom for a pair, but she never got me one. So I tried to tuck my pants into my shoes to fake the stirrup look. Yeah, I was a total loser.

    Dorien- Josh can come over anytime and borrow from our stash of striped rugby shirts, and then I'll peg his pants for him. Unless I can track down my MC Hammer pants...

  13. PS...Smokey is back on my bad side. I take back my take backs...

  14. Cam- I worked at The Grub for six years! I don't know what it is about our east side obsession with that place... tradition maybe? Or maybe I went there for the hot waitresses too.

    You went there with Ben? I totally thought you'd end up with someone a little more... GQ. Ah, our fluffy men.

  15. p.s. That explains why Smokey took your name out of the pile before he picked the winner. Someday you two are gonna be friends, and you'll both look back on these days - while sitting in a recliner, petting each other - and laugh at the good times.

  16. Happy Birthday, Sam!!

    Great post, Bro. I love how you can be sweet, mean, and funny all at the same time. That's pure talent.

  17. Oh, Sam, in my comment to Brodi, I totally forgot to wish you a happy b-day! I'm the worst! Anyway, better late than never. Happy b-day Sam!

  18. I love the birthday gift for Sam...brought tears to my eyes. You guys are so cute, but you forgot one thing during your dating period... How Sam fell in love with you while you played indoor soccer. Oh wait, it was your sister who played indoor soccer :)

    Sam, you are great...metrosexual and all. Happy Birthday!

  19. Happy belated birthday to Sam!

    I love that your Ode to Sam is both touching and hilarious in almost-equal degrees. (The hilarity wins out.) =]

  20. Jenni- it's okay. I forget to say "happy birthday" all the time. He's used to it.

    Erin- Oh yeah! I forgot he used to think you were me, and I was you. You know, if you're interested, I think he'd still totally go for you...

    L.T.- I'm happy the hilarity wins out. I hate to think people will start viewing me as "tender".

  21. I am laughing and crying all at the same time! You two have great synergy! When you can come up with (and embrace) that many quirks about each other - now that's TRUE LOVE! Fantabulous post Brod.

    And Sam - Happy 31st Birthday! (Oh wait! You're not 31???) Read your own blog post last night. Um - please share the trick. I'd like to stay 31 too - especially on days like yesterday. If I were 31, I would have had 1 vomiting child instead of 3! Thanks for the bread Brodi. It's already gone! You're the best. Always a favorite around here.THANK YOU!

  22. Cath- who knew I'd turn out to be so mushy?

    That's weird that you're not 31. I could've sworn we were the same age. Hope your kids stop puking soon.

  23. I have to agree with Jenni that showing hilarity and sincerity are traits of a great writer. I loved the post.

    Happy bday to Sam!

  24. Brodi, I think this is my most favorite post of yours. Congrats to having a great marriage and Happy Birthday to Sam!!

    p.s. No kidding, I have an actual word for my word verifications: remotes

  25. Thanks, Sal. I can't believe your word verification was a real word! That's never happened to me.

  26. I have to post again. I was going through your post from Fri and came across the pic of your cat. My thirteen yr old was looking over my shoulder and got the heebee-geebees, shaking her body all over the place, yelling "Gross! Gross!" You can now add 'terrorizing children' to your list of accomplishments.

  27. I feel honored that Smokey (who apparently frightens small children) would pick me. Maybe its because we have so much in common... I frighten children all the time, too! :)

    Happy birthday Sam!

  28. Kimberly- I'll admit he sorta looks like a cross between a rat and a bat and a chihuahua, but he really grows on you. Like fungus.

    Kayla- Despite what everyone thinks, frightening children is a good quality. Congrats on the book.

  29. Ah, hope you had a happy birthday, Sam. I won't even give you crap about drinking Tab this week.